Let me know what you think of the following. You're free to accept or reject my ideas as they are. I tend to favor laconic prose with simple sentence structures that make it easy to understand and read. Economy of words... that sort of thing.
I hope it helps! :)
The Developers don't think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel has any value. The Extraction test is her last shot to prove them wrong. That reads much better! I'd suggest making it one compound sentence.
Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the planet slums and move to the underground colony in the Core
. Down there,where she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to re-live memories of Mom, Dad, and Laila whenever someone dies from sickness cause they're not worth the cost of treatment.This last sentence is pretty compelling, but it reads a little clunky.
Most importantly, Clementine is safer in the Core. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets,
like the one who beat her when she was young and a bit too brave.I'm recommending this line be deleted or rewritten because you have a linear progression of time relative to story, and by jumping back in time it takes me out of the mood I feel you're trying to create. Safe from moonshine, an acidic poison secreted by the nearby, giant moon.It's expected that moons will be nearby. Suggest the following for pacing: "Safe from the deadly moonshine secreted by the planet's giant moon that occasionally penetrates the atmosphere's protective shield.[/b] A protective shield keeps most of it out, but every now and then some gets through and people die.
The perfect life is Clementine's reward in Extraction.
She doesn't realize her free will is the price.