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EXTRACTION (YA Sci-fi)


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#41 Fred C.

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Posted 01 November 2011 - 04:46 PM

Hi Stephanie,
Let me know what you think of the following. You're free to accept or reject my ideas as they are. I tend to favor laconic prose with simple sentence structures that make it easy to understand and read. Economy of words... that sort of thing.
I hope it helps! :)

The Developers don't think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel has any value. The Extraction test is her last shot to prove them wrong. That reads much better! I'd suggest making it one compound sentence.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the planet slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, where she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to re-live memories of Mom, Dad, and Laila whenever someone dies from sickness cause they're not worth the cost of treatment.This last sentence is pretty compelling, but it reads a little clunky.

Most importantly, Clementine is safer in the Core. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets, like the one who beat her when she was young and a bit too brave.I'm recommending this line be deleted or rewritten because you have a linear progression of time relative to story, and by jumping back in time it takes me out of the mood I feel you're trying to create. Safe from moonshine, an acidic poison secreted by the nearby, giant moon.It's expected that moons will be nearby. Suggest the following for pacing: "Safe from the deadly moonshine secreted by the planet's giant moon that occasionally penetrates the atmosphere's protective shield.[/b] A protective shield keeps most of it out, but every now and then some gets through and people die.
The perfect life is Clementine's reward in Extraction.

She doesn't realize her free will is the price.


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#42 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 01 November 2011 - 04:53 PM

Okay, is this any better? Thanks again. :)

---


Don't want to take time to do the color stuff but this is how I'd revise it if it were mine, using Ant's suggestion for the hook:

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong. (capitalized test to make its importance clear)

Only ten kids will pass--the ten kids who impress the Developers. And Clementine will do anything to be one. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the planet slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She won't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger because she won't feel hunger. She won't have to re-live her family's deaths whenever someone dies from sickness because they're not worth the cost of treatment. (trying to make the rhythym a little better and why bring in her family's names in a query?)

Clementine will be safe in the Core. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets, like the one who beat her when she was young and a bit too brave. Safe from moonshine, an acidic poison secreted by the nearby, giant moon. A protective shield keeps most of it out, but every now and then enough gets through to kill people.

Yes, the perfect life will be Clementine's reward in Extraction. A shame no one tells her the price is her freedom of choice; her mind. (not happy with free will but maybe none of these will work. The ...doesn't realize... is so overused it's cliched, too.)


Really close. Sounds like a great story.

Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

#43 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 07 November 2011 - 04:22 PM

Thank you so much for your suggestions! I've implemented a couple and changed another two or three small details that have been added to the novel:

----

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal.

Clementine will be safe In the Core. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets, offing kids who cause trouble or don't show enough promise. Safe from the giant moon's deadly poison that occasionally penetrates the atmosphere's protective shield.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's reward in Extraction.

A shame no tells her the price is her freedom of choice; her mind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#44 Makuro

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Posted 07 November 2011 - 04:37 PM

Works for me. When do i get to read it?.

#45 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 07 November 2011 - 06:24 PM

Thank you so much for your suggestions! I've implemented a couple and changed another two or three small details that have been added to the novel:

----

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal.

Clementine will be safe In the Core. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets, offing kids who cause trouble or don't show enough promise. Safe from the giant moon's deadly poison that occasionally penetrates the atmosphere's protective shield.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's reward(s???) in Extraction.

A shame no tells her the price is her freedom of choice; her mind.


Why don't you try a few agents on your B list and see what happens? Any bites, the query's okay to send to your A list. No nibbles, revise again.

#46 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 02:40 PM

Thanks for all your help :) Gonna go plug away at ms revisions.

Also, if you guys get a chance, I'd love it if you'd vote on which title sounds more intriguing (see poll at the top). Thanks again!

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#47 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 03:26 PM

Thanks for all your help :) Gonna go plug away at ms revisions.

Also, if you guys get a chance, I'd love it if you'd vote on which title sounds more intriguing (see poll at the top). Thanks again!


I'm not wild about either. From your query (where the moon poison is barely mentioned), I'd expect something like THE EXTRACTION TEST or IN THE CORE or even A PERSON OF VALUE.

But then I'm not too good with titles.

#48 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 03:31 PM

I'm not wild about either. From your query (where the moon poison is barely mentioned), I'd expect something like THE EXTRACTION TEST or IN THE CORE or even A PERSON OF VALUE.

But then I'm not too good with titles.


Variations of those titles have all been shot down :P The thing is that the moon poison does play a big role, but I had to choose in the query to either focus on that or the conflict of mind. The conflict of mind is more immediately relevant to Clementine, but I still feel like something moon-related would fit better as a title. I might try to add one more sentence to the query to make the moon acid a bit more pertinent. In the meantime, I've been asking a lot of teens who don't know much about the book to vote on titles based on intrigue, and that's how I got the suggestion for Acid Sky. I think I like it best. We'll see. :)

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#49 patskywriter

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 03:35 PM

I don't like either title. Where does the book spend most of its time—before, during, or after the test? I think that the title should reflect that period of time.

If before, something like "Escape to a New World"; if during, "Test to the Limit"; if after, "New Mind in a New World." Bad titles, I know, :tongue:, but I hope you know what I'm getting at.
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#50 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 03:58 PM

Made a couple small changes:

---

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon's deadly poison that's mostly kept out by a protective shield, but every now and then some acid gets through and kids die.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction.

A shame no tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she'd need to save those left behind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#51 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 10 November 2011 - 04:40 PM

Made a couple small changes:

---

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core.

Down there, she has a chance to be more than an identification number. She doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, when the protective shield occasionally fails.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction.

A shame no tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.


The way it's written is kind of clunky. Revised to try to help it.

#52 Makuro

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 11:04 AM

Like it. I like cheryids suggested changes, they make it more clear.
I cant think of anything else.

Lets see it with the word couny, title, bio, thanks.

#53 Peter W

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 02:15 PM

Hey

Sounds like an awesome story. I really dig the acid moon stuff and getting away from a blasted surface through a test. And I think the query has evolved very elegantly!

But, must say that I liked the query in post #43 better overall. The one in #50 made me halt and ask if there are only kids on the surface and why? Maybe that’s just me…

Have to agree with the others regarding your two listed titles. They don’t really work for me; moonshine is a bit too romantic/soothing/fairytale-like compared to your query and acid sky doesn’t grab my attention. And there’s not really enough in the query about the acid moon to make it connect with the titles IMO.
A couple of alternative suggestions: Clementine’s Flight/Extraction Test. Flight to the Core. The Dying Surface.

In connection with the title I was wondering what the Developers really are? Ruling humans, scientists with power over the Core? Could they be called something more potent like the Creators or Makers or a made-up word. Developer kind of has a present feel to it like game developer – someone who works for a big company. I only know as much as what is written in your query so maybe I’m totally off and the name Developer is essential to the plot :smile:

That said, with a more powerful word for the ones ruling the planet they would fit like a glove into a potential title. Like the Creators’ (Extraction) Test, The Core and the Creators. Flight to the Makers. The Creators’ Secret. Etc.

Just a bit of thoughts regarding the title. As stated, I think your query is really good, and I wouldn’t fret too much over a title if the MS isn’t even finished yet (or the query for that matter :wink: ). Often such things tend to be easier to figure out at the end of the writing process or even after - at least for me.
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#54 JMB

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Posted 14 November 2011 - 02:59 PM

I like CherylID's suggestions. The only thing it leaves me wondering is why these lucky 10 are extracted in the first place and on what basis. All and all, the query has come along nicely.

#55 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 24 November 2011 - 01:51 PM

This is what I have at moment, after a title change & lots of writing:

--

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction. No one tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.

My young adult novel EXTRACTION, complete at 60,000-words, will appeal to readers of both science fiction and dystopian. Thank you very much for your time and attention.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#56 Asher Tensei

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Posted 24 November 2011 - 02:47 PM

Looks good, though personally I'd like a mini description of the Developers. I think it's agent ready.

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#57 Sakura Eries

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Posted 24 November 2011 - 03:15 PM

a couple of suggestions...take them for what they're worth....


The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids the lucky ten who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's Clementine's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal(is this because they die or more of a mass kill sort of thing?). She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who keep order(keep order sounds too benevolent. from the chpt i saw it felt more along the lines of "rule with an iron fist" or "abusive") in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction. No one tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.

My young adult novel EXTRACTION, complete at 60,000-words, will appeal to readers of both science fiction and dystopian. Thank you very much for your time and attention.


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#58 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 29 November 2011 - 11:11 AM

This is what I have at moment, after a title change & lots of writing:

--

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine Marvel is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will pass—ten kids who manage to impress the Developers. Clementine will give everything to be one of them. If she's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who keep order in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction. No one tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.

My young adult novel EXTRACTION, complete at 60,000-words, will appeal to readers of both science fiction and dystopian. Thank you very much for your time and attention.


I'd try a few agts on my B list and see what happens. If you get nibbles, the query's okay so try the ones you really want. Good luck!

#59 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 03:40 PM

Thanks, all :) I received one more suggestion for fixing this and wanted to make sure it works.

---

The Developers think sixteen-year-old Clementine is worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will impress the Developers. When Clementine's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she doesn't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail. But she does worry about the boy she never wanted to abandon, her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before they kill him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction. No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.

My young adult novel EXTRACTION, complete at 60,000-words, will appeal to readers of both science fiction and dystopian. Thank you very much for your time and attention.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#60 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 05:42 PM

Thanks, all :) I received one more suggestion for fixing this and wanted to make sure it works.

---

The Developers treat sixteen-year-old Clementine as worthless. The Extraction Test is her last shot to prove them wrong.

Only ten kids will impress the Developers. When Clementine's picked, she gets to ditch the Surface slums and move to the underground colony in the Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger, because she won't feel hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to worry about dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail. But she does worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything, she will find a way to save him before they kill him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

Yes, safety and old age are Clementine's rewards in Extraction. No one tells her the price is her mind, the very thing she needs to save those left behind.

My young adult novel EXTRACTION, complete at 60,000-words, will appeal to readers of both science fiction and dystopian. Thank you very much for your time and attention.


The hook doesn't flow. They're treating her as worthless. She's going to prove them wrong. First refers to their action; second refers to their opinion of her.

You can easily fix it. The Developers deem (consider, judge) sixteen-year-old Clementine worthless. She's...

Lose Logan's name. No sense in confusing the reader. Focus on Clemention and refer to him as ...the boy she never...

Good luck in your querying.




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