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EXTRACTION (YA Sci-fi)


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#81 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 10:16 PM

Thank you so much, BBC. :) Here's what I've got:

---

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits in a leather chair and watches the protective shield wipe out across the sky. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. Emerging bone-white and shaking from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before he dies.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#82 bigblackcat97

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:42 AM

I like this - wait and see what other AQ'ers think before I give you more in depth feedback.

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#83 Ilovesoup

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 10:08 AM

I like this tons better too!

Thank you so much, BBC. :) Here's what I've got:

---

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits in a leather chair and watches the protective shield wipe out across the sky This was probably the only thing I didn't get. She tries to run wasnt she in a chair? while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. Emerging bone-white and shaking from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers.

When I get to the end of the paragraph, I get it.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before he dies.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


The rest I got. If you can find a way to clear up the little things up in that first paragraph (which was a little confusing at first) I think this query is good.

#84 Jennie

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 01:32 PM

Thank you so much, BBC. :) Here's what I've got:

---

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits in a leather chair and watches the protective shield wipe out across the sky. <--- this is the only sentence I had to reread a couple of times. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. Emerging bone-white and shaking from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before he dies.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


This is great!

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#85 beccaclark

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 05:51 PM

Thank you so much, BBC. :) Here's what I've got:

---

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits in a leather chair and watches the protective shield wipe out across the sky. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. Emerging bone-white and shaking from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers. Intriguing. I like. Was she strapped down? And why were they impressed...she was crying and begging right?

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before he dies.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


I really like this! If you get a chance please take a look at mine. SIORIA. Thank you!!

#86 anticipa

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 06:18 PM

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits in a leather chair and watches the protective shield wipe out across the sky. This phrasing is pretty jarring She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. I feel like you need a transition here. For those unfamiliar with the story, it's like uh, isn't she dead? Even if it was just something simple like "And when she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the simulation..."Emerging bone-white and shaking from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to ignore the hollow ache of hunger. Heh, a bit of ambiguous wording - it almost sounds like she's finally allowed to acknowledge her hunger or something rather than... not being hungry She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids lose every last bit of their worth and are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before he dies. maybe "before they murder him"?

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


Very clean, cool version. Me likey!

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#87 EddieTol

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 06:45 PM

--

Clementine Marvel, age sixteen, would give anything for a shot at life in Sector One.

In this far-underground colony of her planet, there is a chance to be more than an identification number. There is technology in development like liquid nutrition to keep Clementine from ever feeling hunger. There are serum injections to keep her illness-free, if she ignores the side effects.

Most importantly, there is safety. Safety from Security Officials who roam Sector Five's streets with metal sticks, like the one who gave Clementine her scar. Safety from a poisonous substance secreted by the moon that floats too near the planet surface. A shield keeps most of it out, but every now and then some Moonshine gets through and people die.

When Clementine wins a spot as an Extraction to Sector One, she saves herself from that life. From Moonshine.

She doesn't realize it will cost her her mind.


For me, this is much more effective. Here I get a feel for both your M/C and your story and I become a little invested in what happens to her. I agree it is difficult to refrain from showcasing your world as it is your creation but leave that for the synopsis. An agent will never see this amazing world you've created from nothing more than your imagination unless you give him a compelling reason to. That reason has to be your MC and this does a good job at putting the focus where it belongs. It isn't there yet but, for me, this seems to be the right track.

And I had no problem understanding what 'Moonshine' was referring to, but consider a better word than 'gets through'. You can be more descriptive than this.

Good luck,

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#88 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 07:11 PM

Thank you all so much for your comments. :) Made a couple minor changes for clarification:

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits strapped in a leather chair and watches the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she didn't really scream at all, and that she impressed the testers.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before they murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#89 beccaclark

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 07:48 PM

Thank you all so much for your comments. :) Made a couple minor changes for clarification:

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits strapped in a leather chair and watches the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. In her mind, She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she didn't really scream at all, and that she impressed the testers. OOOHHH!!! Way better...the only thing was that she really didn't scream at all so I made the suggestion above...

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before they murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


I honestly can't wait to read this whole entire novel! thumbs up :tongue:

#90 Kate Sullivan

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 07:55 PM

Thank you all so much for your comments. :) Made a couple minor changes for clarification:

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On Extraction Day, she sits strapped in a leather chair and watches the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run (in her head? Are her feet free? I just hear "Extraction Day" and I think worse than the death chair.) while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the Extraction Test simulation, (do these testers just pick kids at lottery? Is there something special about her to be picked to undergo this test?) the last thing she expects to hear is that she didn't really scream at all, and that she impressed the testers. (Did she know she was a test subject to begin with? "The last thing she expects to hear" sounds like she was awaiting her results of Extraction Day.)

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. (who carts them? are they the testers or enemies of the testers? Are they all under twenty or are they adults?) She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before they murder him. (The testers? Or the enemies of the testers? The moon? Why didn't Logan, or did Logan, get a chance at the Simulation? Did he fail it?)

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


Hi! As you can tell from all my questions, my only confusion is why and who is controlling everything? If she has to surrender her own mind and control of it, then why and to who? Who gave her the transfer prize to Core? Who thought she'd be a good candidate for the simulation? Are they kids, too? Keep in mind, I am not your target audience so please feel free to tell me to can it... I just wanted to show a different perspective from a fresh set of eyes. Good luck! It does sound like a great read. I get this vibe from Core that it's like an edgy version of Heaven.

#91 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 08:11 PM

Excellent point, Kate. I lost the mention of the planet leaders from earlier versions.

Logan did get a chance at the simulation, but he failed the test. Not sure that needs to be mentioned in the query, though.

(Edited to address Cheryl ID's point)

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On the day of her Extraction Test, she sits strapped in a leather chair, watching the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run but can do nothing while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death as the poison rips and tears at her flesh, leaving her choking in a fire that feels like it'll never end. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before the adults who control the planet murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets of the Surface. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#92 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 08:55 PM

I like version 91. In the previous one, the first para threw me off. This one tells me she's taking the test.

One place where the balance was off; don't know if it matters enough to work on it, but it bothered me:

Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away by the Developers - the adults who control the planet - for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison.

The sec sent throws it off.

But this sounds really good. I can't believe you won't get nibbles.

Just my opinion, as always.

#93 the transylvanian

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:54 PM

Excellent point, Kate. I lost the mention of the planet leaders from earlier versions.

Logan did get a chance at the simulation, but he failed the test. Not sure that needs to be mentioned in the query, though.

(Edited to address Cheryl ID's point)

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon.

On the day of her Extraction Test, she sits strapped in a leather chair and watches the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run but can do nothing while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers. This is good, nice description of the test.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. This indeed sound a bit harsh but it is not to be ignore - gets your attention and symphaty. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison should the protective shield fail. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before the adults who control the planet murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind. Like this phrase.


Quite an intreguing story, I think the query does it justice too. Good job.


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#94 Joey

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 05:37 PM

Hey Stephanie, cool syfy m.s. you've got and also believe it will get nibbles! I'm one who reads and kinda sees movies in their head, and yours plays out well!

Here's my take on this:
__________________________________-
Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon. (Great hook!)

On the day of her Extraction Test, she sits strapped in a leather chair, watching the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run but can do nothing while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death as the poison rips and tears at her flesh, leaving her choking in a fire that feels like it'll never end. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she impressed the testers. (love this..I see the action, I feel her pain)

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison, should the protective shield fail. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before the adults who control the planet murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets of the Surface. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid. No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind. (this last sentence here, is the only issue I see..it reads a teeny bit awkward. Maybe something to the effect of, "Everything comes with a price, and in order to save the boy she left behind, she must find a way to get back the one thing she gave up to live in Core, her freedom of mind."
Your query is edgy, with alot of grit and heart, and it shows.

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#95 DebsBlueRoses

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Posted 23 January 2012 - 10:00 AM

I really thought I posted comments on this, but maybe I didn't hit Post. I'm too young to be senile. lol

Thank you all so much for your comments. :) Made a couple minor changes for clarification:

--

Clementine is sixteen when she learns what it's like to be killed by the moon. What happened to the other hook? About Clementine needing to prove herself so she DOESN'T get killed by the moon?

On Extraction Day, she sits strapped in a leather chair and watches the planet's protective shield falter and wipe out across the sky. She tries to run while the moon's acid seeps through the clouds and corrodes her home on the planet Surface. She screams and begs for death while the poison turns her flesh to ash and rips her face in two, silencing her cries. When she finally emerges, bone-white and shaking, from the Extraction Test simulation, the last thing she expects to hear is that she didn't really scream at all, and that she impressed the testers. I don't understand how this simulation is strong enough to be a test to see if she's worthy of moving underground. It just seems like torture and what the people who actually DO die from the moon acid go through already. I thought there would be some test of strength or intelligence or usefulness.

Her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the planet Core. Down there, she doesn't have to eat scraps from the garbage. She doesn't have to fear turning twenty, when most Surface kids are carted away for disposal. She doesn't have to fear dying from the moon's poison. But she does have to worry about Logan, the boy she never wanted to abandon. Her best friend, her everything. She swears she'll find a way to save him before they murder him.

In the Core, Clementine is safe. Safe from the security officials who beat kids in the slum streets. Safe from the giant moon that emits the deadly acid. The first sentence can be inserted into the preceding paragraph, and you already mentioned the second sentence.

No one tells her the price is her freedom of mind, the very thing she needs to save the boy she left behind.


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#96 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 25 January 2012 - 02:13 PM

Thanks for your suggestions, everyone :)

I'm actually wondering if y'all wouldn't mind taking a look at a 4-5 sentence pitch for Extraction I've been working on. I recently won a spot as one of ten finalists in YALitChat's pitch fest, and I have until Monday to submit a revision :P Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

---

On the planet Surface, kids are killed off at twenty, but at sixteen, Clementine is one of the lucky ones picked to stay alive. When she impresses the adult Developers who rule the planet on Extraction Day, her prize is a transfer to the underground colony in the Core, where she doesn't have to be afraid of hunger, officials, or the moon's deadly acid. But the acid in the sky is growing stronger day by day, threatening to destroy the planet's protective shield. A plan the Developers have to protect civilians only includes those who, like Clementine, are lucky enough to reside in the Core. Terrified of losing the boy she loves but left behind in the Surface slums, Clementine must find a way to free him or halt the acid before the Developers take something else she can't afford to lose: her freedom of mind.

EXTRACTION_FINAL_COVER.jpg

Extraction

St. Martin's Griffin

July 22, 2014


#97 Joey

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Posted 25 January 2012 - 09:59 PM

Once again Stephanie, you amaze me. Call it forward-thinking, but doing the elevator-pitch is freakin' awesome!Posted Image

This is something I aspire to do shortly, and love that you took the initiative to do it. I fully expect (and hope) you'll get the call from an agent, and then you can give that pitch, or else you'll be at Pitch Slam or a writers' convention and you get to deliver that amazing paragraph.

I like it. Again, your ms is edgy, strong, and unique.

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"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

 

 

 

 

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