60 replies to this topic

[EMDelaney]

Dear Agent,

Repo man Joe Kelly, has stumbled across something the government desperately wants in a car he tows: compelling evidence of a man-made virus running rampant through an unknowing society.

He has found a decades-old journal, authored by a government scientist in the 1970’s. It describes her involvement in a top-secret project gone awry. A colleague had unleashed the virus as a means of population control. Horrified, and unsure of who to trust, Kelly is thrust into involvement to expose the conspiracy. It could cost him his life. Failure to act, however, will cost many more. As he struggles to unravel the mysterious scheme, he is pursued by CIA man-hunters for his find, placing him in a dangerous race to locate a possible cure that he learns may exist.

THE VIRUS, a 100,000 word Thriller/Suspense manuscript, is available for your review upon request. Thank you for your time.

Edited by EMDelaney, 10 December 2010 - 06:06 PM.

[alex]

Hey EM,

I like the story, but for me the MS seems a little too generic(?) I'd be the last person to know for sure, I'm new here and this is only my second post, but would it be more engaging if more of the characters had names or some background info in the MS itself? Or is it better to name and describe only the protagonist?

Just my $0.02!

Alex

[suja]

Hi,
'containing evidence of the most henious act' - sounds to me like you're staking a claim (among all the other henious acts against mankind).
The sentence structure in the second paragraph is a little confusing.'Others associated at the time, have died or gone missing since. One of which is a famous news anchor-woman who knew her, having disappeared only recently'
May be something like - A few(or several or some) of her associates have died or gone missing since then. One of them, a famous news anchor, having disappeared just recently.
I like the story, the plot would make it a definite page-turner. Best of luck
Suja

[wordsmith]

Repo man, Joe Kelly inadvertently discovers a decades old notebook in a stolen car, containing evidence of the most heinous act ever perpetrated against mankind.

The notebook contains a journal, written by a government scientist in the 1970's. She describes her part in a top secret research project, labeled F45. It involved a very sophisticated, deadly virus. Its intention was to be used as a biological weapon; however, one of her colleagues had unleashed it into society, as a means of population control. [This could probably all be contained in one, tighter, more concise, sentence.]

Kelly, uncertain of the journal's authenticity or who to trust, enlists the help of a police detective friend. They investigate, learning that the scientist died mysteriously. Others associated at the time, have died or gone missing since. One of which is a famous news anchor-woman who knew her, having disappeared only recently. Kelly's involvement, and discovery that government higher-ups may have had a hand in the scheme, soon leads to his being sought by CIA man hunters. As the virus continues to threaten society, he struggles to unravel the mystery and locate a possible cure that is said to exist. [Don't tell us the anchor woman knew her and disappeared, tell us how Joe Kelly is effected. Government higher-ups are involved? Tell us what the threat to Kelly is. This is, after all, primarily his story, isn't it?]

THE VIRUS, a Suspense / Thriller, is complete at 100,000 words and available for your review upon request.

There are no bio notes on you, the author. Even if this is your first foray into the wonderful world of fiction writing, let the agent know what moved you to write this first novel. Don't skimp on you. An agent is going to want to know who s/he is dealing with.

And here I was about to compliment you on a well thought out first draft and then I read your addendum. (Who'da thunk one little page could be so hard to write, huh?)
I noticed a few grammatical (punctuation) errors throughout. You'll definitely want to do a clean up before you start sending out queries. For a thriller, this feels a little static and cold. You need to instill a bit of the heart-pounding, pulse-racing suspense of the story into the query letter. ) It looks like you've got a great story premise and a solid storyline. It's not a perfect wrap-up, however, as it is uncertain if he actually finds the cure or if we are all going to fall victim to this supervirus! Cliffhangers work on the bookstore shelf but not for the agent.

PLEASE NOTE: Sometimes the fastest way, is the slowest way. Your first query is going to be the most important page you ever write in your career. If ever there was a time to stop, regroup and either start over or slow down, it is now if you have become frustrated and find yourself posting one query after another, almost daily. Thanks everyone. Now, let's see what you think!

Words everyone embarking on a new query letter, whether novice or 'old soul', should take to heart - maybe even post over the computer as a gentle reminder of the harsh reality!

[redwood]

And here I was about to compliment you on a well thought out first draft and then I read your addendum. (Who'da thunk one little page could be so hard to write, huh?)
I noticed a few grammatical (punctuation) errors throughout. You'll definitely want to do a clean up before you start sending out queries. For a thriller, this feels a little static and cold. You need to instill a bit of the heart-pounding, pulse-racing suspense of the story into the query letter. ) It looks like you've got a great story premise and a solid storyline. It's not a perfect wrap-up, however, as it is uncertain if he actually finds the cure or if we are all going to fall victim to this supervirus! Cliffhangers work on the bookstore shelf but not for the agent.

PLEASE NOTE: Sometimes the fastest way, is the slowest way. Your first query is going to be the most important page you ever write in your career. If ever there was a time to stop, regroup and either start over or slow down, it is now if you have become frustrated and find yourself posting one query after another, almost daily. Thanks everyone. Now, let's see what you think!

Words everyone embarking on a new query letter, whether novice or 'old soul', should take to heart - maybe even post over the computer as a gentle reminder of the harsh reality!

What? This is a query, not a synopsis. I thought the point was to entice the agent to want to read more. I thought the wrap-up was for the synopsis.

[EMDelaney]

Thank you for your comments folks! One thing a newb had better be ready to do is accept crit. I'm learning to master that part! LOL.

Alex.... Yes, it is OK to describe only the protag. Preferred actually, but not etched in stone. I've read many a successful query that mentioned a few names or more.

Suja.... The hook's claim is indeed pretty stout. It was meant to be that way. For example, I'm hoping that you, based on your comment, are anxious to read the story just to find out if the claim of "most heinous act" is true.

Wordsmith... I see you are a published author. I respect that and appreciate your having taken the time to crit my query. You are obviously gifted in the literary arts. I on the other hand, am not! I'm a story teller with mediocre writing skills, strong imagination and creativity. I'm also a realist, that is why I take crit so well.
From the beginning: I disagree with "tightening" the first para of mini-syn. It has to remain that way to make two seperate subjects known to the reader. 1) The notebook is a journal written by a scientist many years ago. 2) Why the notebook would be significant. Hence, her role is whatever qualifies the "threat" to mankind. I'll probably leave it just as it is against your advice.
Second: The rest of the mini-syn clearly states that the MC is being chased by the CIA. That is a pretty big threat. You said, "Tell us how Joe Kelly is effected." Actually, I did! The news reporter is mentioned because she becomes the heroine. Her inclusion is mandatory.
Frankly, I feel the MC is also effected by the threat itself to society, along with everyone else. Static, cold plot? Come on man. I like the great story premise and solid storyline comment much better.
You then mention my "first draft" possibility. No my friend, this is certainly not my first draft. I have spent a hundred hours on it! I'm glad to know to that you thought it was a "well thought out first draft" (LOL). That is encouraging.
Cliffhanging queries. Redwood answered that one for me. Thanks Redwood.

I appreciate all input from everyone. I know I have been missing for a few weeks but I'll catch back up. Been polishing!

[EMDelaney]

In all fairness to Wordsmith. The WeBook folks seem to agree with you. My first page has recieved less than stellar reviews thus far.

[JMB]

Thank you for your comments folks! One thing a newb had better be ready to do is accept crit. I'm learning to master that part! LOL.

Alex.... Yes, it is OK to describe only the protag. Preferred actually, but not etched in stone. I've read many a successful query that mentioned a few names or more.

Suja.... The hook's claim is indeed pretty stout. It was meant to be that way. For example, I'm hoping that you, based on your comment, are anxious to read the story just to find out if the claim of "most heinous act" is true. My response was--it can't actually be true, and then I felt proven correct when I read the next paragraph. Wouldn't a virus that inflicted a slow painful death on a population be worse than one that wipes your people out slowly via birth control? That being said, I liked your virus--as a bio weapon.

Wordsmith... I see you are a published author. I respect that and appreciate your having taken the time to crit my query. You are obviously gifted in the literary arts. I on the other hand, am not! I'm a story teller with mediocre writing skills, strong imagination and creativity. I'm also a realist, that is why I take crit so well.
From the beginning: I disagree with "tightening" the first para of mini-syn. It has to remain that way to make two seperate subjects known to the reader. 1) The notebook is a journal written by a scientist many years ago. 2) Why the notebook would be significant. Hence, her role is whatever qualifies the "threat" to mankind. I'll probably leave it just as it is against your advice.
I agree with Wordsmith. The MS may be exciting but query doesn't sound like a page-turner. That paragraph is wordy.

Second: The rest of the mini-syn clearly states that the MC is being chased by the CIA. That is a pretty big threat. You said, "Tell us how Joe Kelly is effected." Actually, I did! But clearly saying the CIA is after someone without saying why isn't enough. I am guessing the CIA leaked the virus and the reporter was about to expose them. And what is it exactly that Joe is trying to do. You say find the truth and find a cure but what makes an average Joe capable of something this big? I see you've given him a detective friend. Is there also a scientist friend who know where to look, how to break into labs and understand data. It's hard to imagine a repo man pulling this off without experts, or understanding what he finds.

The news reporter is mentioned because she becomes the heroine. Her inclusion is mandatory.What?? How can a character who only gets one clause in your query be the hero? I thought Joe was our 'everyman' and he was going to save the day. If this reporter is important enough to makeit into the query then you'd better tell us how she fits in!

Frankly, I feel the MC is also effected by the threat itself to society, along with everyone else. But you never actually tell us what the threat is. I thought this was a weapon to destroy an enemy people. Has it been unleashed on the whole world? On purpose? By mistake? Static, cold plot? Come on man. I like the great story premise and solid storyline comment much better.It probably is great but you haven't created that kind of tension in the query. Do you read Query Shark? There's a great one this week about a witness protection program. If I had a plot like yours, I'd go for that feel. I suspect there are several twists and turns: Joe thinks its one thing, then another, and finally finds out it is something all together different.

You then mention my "first draft" possibility. No my friend, this is certainly not my first draft. I have spent a hundred hours on it! I'm glad to know to that you thought it was a "well thought out first draft" (LOL). That is encouraging.
Cliffhanging queries.The cliff cannot be 'will Joe stop the virus and save humanity from dying out?' That's a cliche. Again, check out the Query Shark example I mentioned. Stops just at the right moment. Redwood answered that one for me. Thanks Redwood.

I appreciate all input from everyone.We all do. And it is hard to take criticism but evaluating your own query is impossible. You know your story so you will never read it the way an agent does. I know I have been missing for a few weeks but I'll catch back up. Been polishing!

[wordsmith]

What? This is a query, not a synopsis. I thought the point was to entice the agent to want to read more. I thought the wrap-up was for the synopsis.

The query should give an agent a very brief view of the character, the story, AND a fruitful finish. An agent wants that reassurance that you CAN provide a logical progression of the story that fruitful finish.
The synopsis is a somewhat longer breakdown of the entire story, offering just a few sentences for each pivotal point in the story, telling that story in present tense, hopefully in three pages or less. (Agents these days are no longer interested in reading synopses that run as long as a book chapter and they like to see you have a strong enough grasp on your story that you can sum it up in just a few pages. (If you can't, you probably need to do some gardening and prune out some of the weeds.))

[EMDelaney]

Thank You JMB. I'm humbled that you would take so much time with my query. Please do not interpret my dissention in some opinions as argument, moreover, it is debate. In addition I wish Pete, Litgal and some of the others who were so influencial in this version, when posted on the old site, would chime in.

[Carrie M]

I think I might have said this before, but I think you should focus more on the virus itself and its effects on society. Mention that people are dying, and maybe briefly describe the symptoms of this virus. Then, tell us how Joe stumbles upon a notebook that describes exactly how and why the virus was released into society. Mention the news reporter by name. Does Joe go looking for her? Mention that too. Lastly, how does Joe find out about the cure? "He goes looking for a cure that is said to exist" isn't very intriguing. Where is it? What dangers will he face as he searches for it? Your story sounds interesting, but you need to make your query reflect that. Good luck!

[EMDelaney]

Thank you Carrie. yes, it has been a struggle to determine exactly what angle to come in from on this query. I really thought I had it and expected much better review, however, I'm at least glad to see the suggestions influencing me to head that way. I really tried capturing the essence of most of the subject line in this query. I have operated under the premise that I only want to mention one name, the MC. Most of what I have read seems to encourage that. During some of the earlier versions, I was accused of being too wordy when trying to explain some of what you mentioned. Not that I don't agree with you, it is just that it seemed to draw bad review as well. I'm really stumped here.

I feel it is preferable to remain clear and concise in description of the story. It's a flap. Not a full synopsis. If it gave the impression that there was probably a good story behind it, which you did say, I'm hopeful I'll be asked for a full syn. That is where I would feel going into the plot a bit deeper would apply. I'm very confident that I will be able to add enough in that to entice interest. I'm going to study your suggestions carefully, as well as others, then decide what to change.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your interest.

[kevinmont]

It's difinitley not a summary. It has a good structure, short, lots of action words, "CIA, Virus, a mysterious notebook, and other elements. No names is best, one name is a close second. Two or more is just asking for a trash can. However, you do have two, "Joe" and "Kelly," and then you refer to him later as "Kelly."

Hyphenate "decades old," likewise "top-secret." Lose the semicolon, "...weapon; however..." Make it a comma.

"F45" doesn't seem to be important, because you don't mention it again.

[EMDelaney]

Thanks Kev, I'm on it! (I have no idea why the semi was there) ? -

I made up my mind that I would not make immediate changes, based on every suggestion and re-post. Each week, usually Sunday, I am going to incorporate my changes / suggestions into it and then post. I have no immediate need for a finished product so I am going to make sure I have a good one before I declare the project complete.

I appreciate any / all suggestions. Still looking for some of my old buddies from the old site to chime in.

[annierab2]

I think you’ve got the story down, but I’m missing the voice. It’s my impression you’re concentrating more on getting the plot and on the space limit than enticing me to read the story. I’m sure you realize there are many points that would need explanation to keep the reader’s head from spinning, but explaining would take up a lot of your word allowance.

I can pick at it, show you what I mean. First, what has a repo man to do with a stolen car? That’s grand theft, police business. As far as I know, a repo man repossesses property on which money is owed, usually on behalf of the seller of the property, for which he is paid by the rightful owner. If he happens upon a stolen car, or a car he needs to repossess, which the delinquent buyer reported stolen, he has to notify the police. He can’t just take it.

So, how about something like (no, I’m not trying to rewrite your query):
>After Repo man Joe Kelly unhooks the shiny black Beemer behind Posh-Plush Motors, he does the standard property check inside the car and finds something a bit more interesting than the owner’s manual.

I think you can smooth the notebook-journal sentence, cut “containing”.
And of course you know scientists are not like most people. The writer of the journal would have written, (couldn’t help it) in her lingo, probably using formulae, math symbols, etc. beyond the comprehension of the ordinary repo man. So how does our man understand its meaning? Maybe by the microbiology degree he’d almost earned before being kicked out of Stanford for pissing on the dean’s desk while hopelessly stoned?
And I would most emphatically suggest you cut this hyperbole: most heinous act ever perpetrated against mankind. Because it’s a serious distraction. It sets up comparisons. Worse than the Holocaust? Stalin’s slaughter of Russian peasants? Atomic bombs on Japan? Maybe so, and you could argue, but you don’t want to set up distractions. Just say what it is, if the idea gives us a feeling of dread, that’s better.

Now, the notebook. If he holds on to it, that’s theft. If he doesn’t turn it over to someone better equipped to do something about it, maybe he’s thinking he can use his stolen book somehow. Depending on the slant of character.
Anyhow, just some things to consider.
Carry on.

[EMDelaney]

Very interesting post annierab2. Thank you for your time.

Repomen DO recover stolen cars. Happens all the time. The art of locating them is called "pan rolling." When we see a car that is a prospective abandoned unit. We record the vin number and run it. If it comes back stolen, we contact the Insurance company. They can authorize its transportation to a facility or to a police department. In many major metro depts nowadays, police are not interested in the reports and paperwork.

Insurance companies are very anxious to work with repo men in finding their cars. In most cases, a claim has already been paid on the car so they are happy to reward you with a finders fee of several hundred dollars per unit. Spotting these prospective units comes with many years of experience. There are several qualifying factors. An old dog can spot them in a heartbeat. Back parking lot of apt complexes are good "dump zones". Stadium parking lots, grocery stores, malls, etc,...

Just wanted you to know.

Now, it does not take away from your point you made. If the reader does not know these things (and they probably do not), I have to clean up. I have taken many of the points to heart. Will factor in to next attempt. As mentioned, thank you very much for your input.

Emmett

[Brendacarre]

Hey EM,

I like the story, but for me the MS seems a little too generic(?) I'd be the last person to know for sure, I'm new here and this is only my second post, but would it be more engaging if more of the characters had names or some background info in the MS itself? Or is it better to name and describe only the protagonist?

Just my $0.02!

Alex

Alex IMHO the best way to present a tight query is to deal with the through story for the main character. The query is simply there to excite interest and get the reader to ask for the manuscript.

[Brendacarre]

For a thriller, this feels a little static and cold. You need to instill a bit of the heart-pounding, pulse-racing suspense of the story into the query letter. ) It looks like you've got a great story premise and a solid storyline. It's not a perfect wrap-up, however, as it is uncertain if he actually finds the cure or if we are all going to fall victim to this supervirus! Cliffhangers work on the bookstore shelf but not for the agent.[/color][/font]

I agree with Wordsmith. Indicating resolution is important. I read this query all the way through though and found it clear and interesting. I think you are well on your way to a strong query. I also agree that tightening the wording by making statements more active and sentences short will also speed up the pace. Good luck with your submissions. Don't forget to keep us posted on results.

[EMDelaney]

I want a little cliff hang in my query. That is the whole idea.

[Brendacarre]

I want a little cliff hang in my query. That is the whole idea.

Within the body of the query, fine, but you wouldn't end a book with a cliff hanger though would you? That is, unless you want your readers to throw the book across the room. So why would you end your query that way? Industry pros want a sense of your story arc.