Jump to content

Disclaimer

Photo

The Drowning God (adult thriller/horror) draft 3draft 3 in post #8


  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 Kendley

Kendley

    rank newb

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:mostly online, a few semi-pro anthologies

Posted 21 November 2011 - 02:39 PM

OUTLINE DELETED
I think it's useful to compare working outlines to synopses, but the number of comments/critiques on synopsis drafts below says different...
Posted Image

#2 ErikaB

ErikaB

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 435 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 21 November 2011 - 02:52 PM

So glad that I can finally give advice which I know is for real. You are doing exactly the same thing as I did on my first synopsis. They don't want you to break down each chapter. Your synopsis should be like a short story of a five hundred to a thousand five hundred words starting with the beginning of your story. That is what makes it so difficult. Just high light the top mayor points of your story but in a way that your sentences flow together. Synopsis are biiiig headaches and you will be a master if you finally nailed it down. The breakdown of your characters should be only a couple of words long and blending in with your story.
Best is to look at other synopsis and then you will see what I mean.
Good luck.

#3 Kendley

Kendley

    rank newb

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:mostly online, a few semi-pro anthologies

Posted 21 November 2011 - 04:56 PM

So glad that I can finally give advice which I know is for real. You are doing exactly the same thing as I did on my first synopsis. They don't want you to break down each chapter. Your synopsis should be like a short story of a five hundred to a thousand five hundred words starting with the beginning of your story. That is what makes it so difficult. Just high light the top mayor points of your story but in a way that your sentences flow together. Synopsis are biiiig headaches and you will be a master if you finally nailed it down. The breakdown of your characters should be only a couple of words long and blending in with your story.
Best is to look at other synopsis and then you will see what I mean.
Good luck.


Thanks!
That's the outline.
Synopsis draft to follow......



#4 ErikaB

ErikaB

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 435 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 22 November 2011 - 03:00 PM

Please can you take a look at mine. Its called the Dragon Glider and I can't wait for the draft.

#5 Kendley

Kendley

    rank newb

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:mostly online, a few semi-pro anthologies

Posted 16 December 2011 - 02:59 PM

DRAFT 1, 1046 words


In present-day Japan, prefectural police detective TAKUDA investigates a failed kidnapping in the dark and backward valley where he was raised. It’s a grim homecoming; Takuda lost his brother and his son to a malevolent force in the valley’s waterways. Now he’s a seasoned detective and a martial arts expert, and no one is happy to see him back. The local police attempt to steer his investigation away from the suspect’s former employer, ZENKOKU GENERAL, a powerful international corporation.
The locals answer Takuda’s questions with tantalizing references of a cult to the kappa, a mythological water sprite. Takuda’s driver, Officer MORI, also steers Takuda toward the cult. Mori has tagged along behind Takuda for years, but now it seems he knows more than he is telling.
After leaving the valley, Takuda finds his martial arts expertise augmented by almost superhuman strength. He reins in his curious powers and goes home to his wife, YUMI, who is tougher in many ways that he will ever be. Yumi is furious at Takuda for visiting the valley and dredging up their painful past, and she makes him swear he won’t destroy their family through revenge.
Disappearances continue, including the suspicious drowning death of a foreigner linked to Zenkoku General. Now bad news from the valley threatens to gain a high profile, and the pressure is on to make this problem disappear.
Takuda ignores the politics. He goes hunting for the cult of the kappa with the valley’s disarmingly cheerful Buddhist priest, the REV. SUZUKI. Beneath an ancient, rotting shrine, they find a cavern filled with hundreds of human skeletons, generations of sacrifices to the kappa, the Drowning God…and they come face-to-face with Zenkoku General, which cleans up the site of Japan’s greatest mass murder with a court order and an “accidental” dam release.
Takuda is removed from the case, deliberately forgotten by his bosses and cut free from any restraint. Mori won’t go back to regular duty. He has been investigating the valley for years, building on work inherited from other officers. He reveals how the valley’s officials hid thousands of disappearances over decades, perhaps centuries. Thousands of innocent lives lost, including his sister.
Mori leads Takuda back to Rev. Suzuki, who explains the ways of the kappa. Along with his scrolls, he has three medieval swords, a matched set, two of which he presents to Mori and Takuda. Rev. Suzuki has one more wonder, a grisly relic: the finger cut from the kappa by a boy visiting the valley. Mori admits that he was that boy, and he insists that the kappa can be killed. They must go back to the valley, but Takuda must sneak in the back way, through an abandoned railway tunnel.
In the abandoned, half-flooded railway tunnel, Takuda meets the kappa. Not even Takuda himself could fully explain how this creature’s reality justifies his own existence, but with sword in hand, he sets about his destiny: destroying the beast in the darkness. Takuda gets the struggling beast into the sunlight, but he is felled by an arrow from an invisible assassin. As the kappa leans in for its deadly kiss, Takuda pulls the arrow through his own flesh and drives the arrowhead into the Kappa’s face. The unseen archer and the kappa escape, and Takuda calls Mori just before losing consciousness.
Takuda wakes at Rev. Suzuki’s temple. The kappa’s claws are poisoned, but Takuda is soon well enough to return home to Yumi, who will not yet forgive him for endangering himself and digging up old pain. While his wounds heal, Takuda ties up loose ends: he finds that the retired policeman who laid the groundwork for Mori’s investigation of the kappa cult has been compromised by Zenkoku General; the mysterious archer is actually a martial arts student with a crush on him, also in the thrall of Zenkoku General; and that Zenkoku General itself may have built a factory in the valley solely to study the kappa .
Takuda learns from one of the last members of the cult how to defeat the creature, and he shares his plan with Mori and Rev. Suzuki. They think his plan is suicide, and the tension between the three is higher than ever. Mori’s distrust of Rev. Suzuki threatens to pull the trio apart, but they proceed with their final assault on the kappa 's new lair in a chamber beneath the Zenkoku General factory’s wastewater holding tanks.
Much like the cave under the shrine, the floor is littered with corpses in Zenkoku General uniforms. The suspect Ogawa is there, cleaning up on orders “from very high up.” The kappa springs on Takuda. Just as it looks like all hope is lost, Rev. Suzuki and Mori behead the creature. The still-living head nearly bewitches the trio, and they see its horrible past as if through its own eyes. Takuda, reeling from both poison and antidote, destroys his sword in the process of splitting the kappa’s head into seven pieces as the old cult member has told him to, as prescribed in the great mandala of the Nichiren Buddhist sects. The kappa is dead, and Takuda is nearly dead as well. Nozzles open, sending toxic solvent into the chamber. The three escape to freedom and a new life.
Takuda and Mori are allowed to resign quietly, and the priest is allowed to leave the bankrupt temple with a minimum of trouble. Thanks to the kappa’s bewitchment, they now see all around them supernatural creatures in human form as if they are now tuned in to another reality that coexists with our daily waking world.
They learn that the Zenkoku General has used them to clean up the kappa problem as proscribed by the arcane rules of the new world they have entered. Indeed, it seems that there is much more to be revealed about their new way of life. Rev. Suzuki knows more than he is willing to say, and the truth will come out...

#6 Kendley

Kendley

    rank newb

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:mostly online, a few semi-pro anthologies

Posted 19 December 2011 - 03:03 PM

Draft 2
995 Words
In present-day Japan, prefectural police detective TAKUDA investigates a failed kidnapping in the dark and backward valley where he was raised. It’s a grim homecoming with an icy welcome; Takuda lost his brother and his son to a malevolent force in the valley’s waterways, and no one is happy to see him return as a seasoned detective and martial arts expert.
The local police attempt to steer Takuda’s investigation away from the suspect’s former employer, ZENKOKU GENERAL, a powerful international corporation. The locals answer Takuda’s questions with tantalizing references of a cult to the kappa, a mythological water sprite. Takuda’s driver, Officer MORI, also steers Takuda toward the cult. Mori has tagged along behind Takuda for years, but now it seems he knows more than he is telling.
Takuda finds his martial arts expertise augmented by almost superhuman strength. He reins in his curious powers and goes home to his wife, YUMI, who is tougher in many ways that he will ever be. Yumi is furious at Takuda for visiting the valley and dredging up their painful past, and she makes him swear he won’t destroy their family through revenge.
Disappearances continue, including the suspicious drowning death of a foreigner linked to Zenkoku General. Now bad news from the valley threatens to gain a international attention, and the pressure is on to make this problem disappear.
Takuda ignores the politics. He goes hunting for the cult of the kappa with the valley’s disarmingly cheerful Buddhist priest, the REV. SUZUKI. Beneath an ancient, rotting shrine, they find a cavern filled with hundreds of human skeletons, generations of sacrifices to the kappa, the valley’s ancient Drowning God…and they come face-to-face with Zenkoku General, which cleans up the site of Japan’s greatest mass murder with a court order and an “accidental” dam release.
Takuda is removed from the case, curiously forgotten by his bosses and cut free from any restraint. Mori, also shrouded in the fog of forgetfulness that surrounds anything involved with the Drowning God, isn’t recalled to regular duty. He has his own agenda; he has been investigating the valley for years, building on work inherited from other officers. He reveals how the valley’s officials hid thousands of disappearances over decades, perhaps centuries. Thousands of innocent lives lost, including his sister.
Mori leads Takuda back to Rev. Suzuki, who explains the ways of the kappa. Along with his ancient scrolls, he has three medieval swords, a matched set, two of which he presents to Mori and Takuda. Mori and Rev. Suzuki have decided that they are Takuda’s team. As Takuda has received surprising strength, so Mori has received a boost to his already impressive intellect. Rev. Suzuki ‘s arcane knowledge makes him indispensable. He produces one more wonder, a grisly relic: the finger cut from the kappa by a boy visiting the valley. Mori admits that he was that boy, and he insists that the kappa can be killed.
Despite anything they can say, Takuda refuses to admit that the Drowning God exists. He must return to the valley to reveal the true killer, but because he has been removed from the case, he must sneak in the back way.
In an abandoned, half-flooded railway tunnel, Takuda meets the kappa face-to-face. Takuda gets the struggling beast into the sunlight, but he is felled by an arrow from an invisible assassin. Takuda wounds the kappa. The unseen archer and the kappa escape, and Takuda calls Mori just before losing consciousness.
Takuda wakes at Rev. Suzuki’s temple. His wounds are terrible, but his increased strength also brings accelerated healing, and he is soon well enough to return home to Yumi, who will not yet forgive him for endangering himself and digging up old pain. While he recuperates, Takuda finds that the retired policeman who laid the groundwork for Mori’s investigation of the kappa cult has been compromised by Zenkoku General; that the mysterious archer is one of his martial arts students in the thrall of Zenkoku General; and that Zenkoku General itself may have built a factory in the valley solely to study the kappa .
Yumi finally forgives him on condition that he kills the creature that took her child and returns to her alive.
Takuda learns from one of the last cult members how to defeat the creature. Mori and Rev. Suzuki think his plan is suicide. Their doubts and Mori’s outright distrust of Rev. Suzuki threatens to pull the trio apart, but they proceed with an assault on the kappa 's new lair, a chamber beneath the Zenkoku General factory.
The chamber floor is littered with corpses in Zenkoku General uniforms. The suspect Ogawa is there, cleaning up on orders “from very high up.” The kappa takes Takuda by surprise, and Ogawa escapes. Just as it looks like all hope is lost, Rev. Suzuki and Mori behead the creature. The still-living head nearly bewitches the trio, and they see its horrible past as if through its own eyes. Takuda, reeling from both poison and antidote, cuts the kappa’s head into seven pieces as prescribed in the great mandala of the Nichiren Buddhist sects. The kappa is dead, and Takuda is nearly dead as well. Nozzles open, sending toxic solvent into the chamber. The three escape to freedom and a new life.
Takuda returns to Yumi. Takuda and Mori are allowed to resign quietly, and the priest is allowed to leave the bankrupt temple with a minimum of trouble. Thanks to bewitchment by the dying kappa, all three now see supernatural creatures in human form, spirits from another reality that coexists with our waking world.
They learn that the Zenkoku General has used them to clean up the kappa problem as proscribed by the arcane rules of the new world they have entered. Indeed, it seems that there is much more to be revealed about their new way of life. Rev. Suzuki knows more than he is willing to say, and the truth will come out...

#7 hjenniferk

hjenniferk

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 20 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 30 December 2011 - 02:51 PM

Draft 2
995 Words
In present-day Japan, prefectural police detective TAKUDA investigates a failed kidnapping in the dark and backward valley where he was raised. It’s a grim homecoming with an icy welcome; Takuda lost his brother and his son to a malevolent force in the valley’s waterways, and no one is happy to see him return as a seasoned detective and martial arts expert.

The local police attempt to steer Takuda’s investigation away from the suspect’s former employer, ZENKOKU GENERAL, a powerful international corporation. However, the locals answer Takuda’s questions with tantalizing references of a cult to the kappa, a mythological water sprite. Takuda’s driver, Officer MORI, also steers Takuda toward the cult. Mori has tagged along behind Takuda for years, but now it seems he knows more than he is telling.

Takuda finds his martial arts expertise augmented by almost superhuman strength. He reins in his curious powers and goes home to his wife, YUMI, who is tougher in many ways that he will ever be. Yumi is furious at Takuda for visiting the valley and dredging up their painful past, and she makes him swear he won’t destroy their family through revenge.

Disappearances continue, including the suspicious drowning death of a foreigner linked to Zenkoku General. Now, bad news from the valley threatens to gain a international attention, and the pressure is on to make this problem disappear.
Takuda ignores the politics.- I don't think you need this. He goes hunting for the cult of the kappa with the valley’s disarmingly cheerful Buddhist priest, the REV. SUZUKI. Beneath an ancient, rotting shrine, they find a cavern filled with hundreds of human skeletons, generations of sacrifices to the kappa, the valley’s ancient Drowning God- you don't need the ellipsis they are meant to show an ommision, not a pause. and they come face-to-face with Zenkoku General, which cleans up the site of Japan’s greatest mass murder with a court order and an “accidental” dam release.

Takuda is removed from the case, curiously forgotten by his bosses and cut free from any restraint.-- the rest of this paragraph is about Mori, maybe this first sentance should go somewhere else. Mori, also shrouded in the fog of forgetfulness that surrounds anything involved with the Drowning God, isn’t recalled to regular duty. He has his own agenda; he hashe's been investigating the valley for years, building on work inherited from other officers. He reveals how the valley’s officials hid thousands of the -- you say thousands in the next sentancedisappearances over decades, perhaps centuries. Thousands of innocent lives lost, including his sister.

Mori leads Takuda back to Rev. Suzuki, who explains the ways of the kappa. Along with his ancient scrolls, he has three medieval swords, a matched set, two of which he presents to Mori and Takuda. Mori and Rev. Suzuki have decided that they are Takuda’s team. As Takuda has received surprising strength, so Mori has received a boost to his already impressive intellect. Rev. Suzuki ‘s arcane knowledge makes him indispensable. He produces one more wonder, a grisly relic: the finger cut from the kappa by a boy visiting the valley. Mori admits that he was that boy, and he insists that the kappa can be killed.

Despite anything they can say-- said, Takuda refuses to admit that the Drowning God exists. He must return to the valley to reveal the true killer, but because he has he's been removed from the case, he must sneak in the back way.

In an abandoned, half-flooded railway tunnel, Takuda meets the kappa face-to-face. Takuda gets the struggling beast into the sunlight, but he is felled by an arrow from an invisible -- is he invisible or unseen? assassin. Takuda wounds the kappa. The unseen archer -- you could just call him the assassin here, since we already know he's unseen and shot an arrow. and the kappa escape, and Takuda calls Mori just before losing consciousness.

Takuda wakes at Rev. Suzuki’s temple. His wounds are terrible, but his increased strength also brings accelerated healing, and he is soon well enough to return home to Yumi, who will not yet forgive him for endangering himself and digging up old pain. While he recuperates, Takuda finds that the retired policeman who laid the groundwork for Mori’s investigation of the kappa cult has been compromised by Zenkoku General; that the mysterious archer is one of his martial arts students in the thrall of Zenkoku General; and that Zenkoku General itself may have built a factory in the valley solely to study the kappa .

Yumi finally forgives him on the condition that he kills the creature that took her child and returns to her alive.
Takuda learns from one of the last cult members how to defeat the creature. Mori and Rev. Suzuki think his plan is suicide. Their doubts and Mori’s outright distrust of Rev. Suzuki threatens to pull the trio apart, but they proceed with an assault on the kappa 's new lair, a chamber beneath the Zenkoku General factory.

The chamber floor is littered with corpses in Zenkoku General uniforms. The suspect Ogawa is there, cleaning up on orders “from very high up.” The kappa takes Takuda by surprise, and Ogawa escapes. Just as it looks like all hope is lost, Rev. Suzuki and Mori behead the creature. The still-living head nearly bewitches the trio, and they see its horrible past as if through its own eyes. Takuda, reeling from both poison and antidote, cuts the kappa’s head into seven pieces as prescribed in the great mandala of the Nichiren Buddhist sects. The kappa is dead, and Takuda is nearly dead as well. Nozzles open, sending toxic solvent into the chamber. The three escape to freedom and a new life. -- Interesting, but you could probably get away with more overview of this section and less details.

Takuda returns to Yumi. Takuda and Mori are allowed to resign quietly, and the priest is allowed to leave the bankrupt temple with a minimum of trouble. Thanks to bewitchment by the dying kappa, all three now see supernatural creatures in human form, spirits from another reality that coexists with our waking world.

They learn that the Zenkoku General has used them to clean up the kappa problem as proscribed by the arcane rules of the new world they have entered. Indeed, it seems that there is much more to be revealed about their new way of life. Rev. Suzuki knows more than he is willing to say, and the truth will come out...


Great story! I think you did really well. I had no problems following the story and it sounds like it would be quite thrilling. Mostly, I just saw some punctuation issues. Also, make sure you are writing in present tense for this -- 'Zenkouku used them', not 'has used them'. And I also marked a couple words that could be shortened -- he's, instead of he is. I was told by an editor they prefer this because it is lower word count and sounds more conversational, but as always it is up to the writer's preference.

#8 Kendley

Kendley

    rank newb

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 50 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:mostly online, a few semi-pro anthologies

Posted 02 January 2012 - 11:43 AM

In present-day Japan, prefectural police DETECTIVE TAKUDA investigates a failed kidnapping in the dark and backward valley of his youth. It’s a grim homecoming with an icy welcome; Takuda lost his brother and his son to a malevolent force in the valley’s waterways, and no one is happy to see him return as a seasoned detective and martial arts expert.
The local police attempt to steer Takuda’s investigation away from the suspect’s former employer, ZENKOKU GENERAL, a powerful international corporation. The locals answer Takuda’s questions with tantalizing references of a cult to the kappa, a mythological water sprite. Takuda’s driver, OFFICER MORI, also steers Takuda toward the cult. Mori has tagged along behind Takuda for years, but now it seems he’s two steps ahead of the detective, and he knows much more than he is telling.
Takuda finds his martial arts expertise augmented by almost superhuman strength. He reins in his curious powers and goes home to his wife, YUMI, who is tougher in many ways than he will ever be. Yumi is furious at Takuda for visiting the valley and dredging up their painful past, and she makes him swear he won’t destroy their family through revenge.
Disappearances continue, including the suspicious drowning death of a foreigner linked to Zenkoku General. Now bad news from the valley threatens to gain international attention, and the pressure is on to make this problem disappear.
Takuda hunts for the cult of the kappa with the valley’s disarmingly cheerful Buddhist priest, the REV. SUZUKI. Beneath an ancient, rotting shrine, they find a cavern filled with hundreds of human skeletons, generations of sacrifices to the kappa, the valley’s ancient Drowning God, and they come face-to-face with Zenkoku General, so powerful that it sanitizes the site of Japan’s greatest mass-murder with a court order and an “accidental” dam release.
Takuda is removed from the case, curiously forgotten by his bosses and cut free from any restraint.
Mori, also shrouded in the fog of forgetfulness that surrounds anything involved with the Drowning God, avoids the call back to regular duty. He has his own agenda; he’s been investigating the valley for years, building on work inherited from other officers. He reveals how the valley’s officials hid disappearances over decades, perhaps centuries—thousands of innocent lives lost, including his sister’s.
Mori leads Takuda back to Rev. Suzuki, who explains the ways of the kappa. Along with his ancient scrolls, he has three medieval swords, a matched set, two of which he presents to Mori and Takuda. Mori and Rev. Suzuki have decided that they are Takuda’s team. As Takuda has received surprising strength, so Mori has received a boost to his already impressive intellect. Rev. Suzuki ‘s arcane knowledge makes him indispensable. He produces one more wonder, a grisly relic: the finger cut from the kappa by a boy visiting the valley. Mori admits that he was that boy, and he insists that the kappa can be killed.
Despite anything they say, Takuda refuses to admit that the Drowning God exists. He must return to the valley to reveal the true killer, but because he has been removed from the case, he must sneak in the back way.
In an abandoned, half-flooded railway tunnel, Takuda meets the kappa face-to-face. Takuda gets the struggling beast into the sunlight, but he is felled by an arrow from an unseen assassin. Takuda wounds the kappa. The unseen archer and the kappa escape, and Takuda calls Mori just before losing consciousness.
Takuda comes to at Rev. Suzuki’s temple. His wounds are terrible, but his increased strength also brings accelerated healing, and he is soon well enough to return home to Yumi, who will not yet forgive him for endangering himself and digging up old pain. While he recuperates, Takuda finds that the retired policeman who laid the groundwork for Mori’s investigation of the kappa cult has been compromised by Zenkoku General; that the mysterious archer is one of his martial arts students, also in the thrall of Zenkoku General; and that Zenkoku General itself may have built a factory in the valley solely to study the kappa .
Yumi finally forgives him on condition that he kills the creature that took her child and returns to her alive.
Takuda learns from one of the last cult members how to defeat the creature. Mori and Rev. Suzuki think his plan is suicide. Their doubts and Mori’s outright distrust of Rev. Suzuki threaten to pull the trio apart, but they proceed with an assault on the kappa 's new lair, a chamber beneath the Zenkoku General factory.
The chamber floor is littered with corpses in Zenkoku General uniforms. The suspect Ogawa is there, cleaning up on orders “from very high up.” The kappa takes Takuda by surprise, and Ogawa escapes. Just when it looks as though all hope is lost, Rev. Suzuki and Mori behead the creature. The still-living head bewitches the trio, but Takuda breaks the spell before they are completely enslaved. He destroys the head, and the three unlikely warriors escape to freedom and a new life.
Takuda returns to Yumi. He and Mori are allowed to resign quietly, and the priest is allowed to leave the bankrupt temple. Thanks to bewitchment by the dying kappa, all three now see supernatural creatures in human form, spirits from a shadowed reality that coexists with our waking world.
They learn that Zenkoku General has used them to clean up the kappa problem. They have been pawns manipulated according to the arcane rules of the hidden world. They are like children in this new reality, but relying on each other and on their strange new abilities, they will face and defeat more evils like THE DROWNING GOD.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users