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THOSE (Science / Literary Fiction)


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#61 Dano3000

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:11 PM

Thanks Lucid, I can see how it might come across as snooooooooooody.

Do you think the latest is the right direction to go? I feel like it focus's solely on Anthony's struggle, but doesn't say much about the world. Maybe it doesn't need to.

#62 elphabasister

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 03:31 PM

LATEST REVISION #9
Thanks all. Really quick edit here. Focused solely on Anthony I think. I've been staring at this thing all day and this is probably it for now. Be as brutal as you want. It's good for me.

Dear Shut Yo Mouth,

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill everyone who stops shopping, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

Anthony hates Our City. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. After protecting The Headquarters economy, he can be found overdosing on his bathroom floor or using his slave as a punching bag. The last thing he expected was for one of his beatings to knock his slave free of The Headquarters’ control, and the malfunction couldn’t have opened his eyes any wider.

Anthony has been wasting his life for a city he doesn’t even care about, and if he keeps it up, the drugs may kill him. Luckily enough, The Headquarters is finding more disaffected employees than even Anthony is able to kill. As it becomes increasingly clear that Our City faces complete collapse, Anthony will either implode with it, or learn how to escape his own self destruction from the unlikeliest of sources: a slave.

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and should appeal to lovers of dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing classes. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
-SayItAgain!


The premise is interesting but i think you need to do a little more world building in this query. I'm not really sure where this is taking place at. Also don't tell them your writing a sequel unless the agent tells you to tell them (their website should have that info) Hope that helps. good luck!

#63 LucidDreamer

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 06:02 PM

Dano, from the advice I've been getting, focusing on the MC is the way to go. I do get a real sense of your voice in this latest version so I think you're on the right track.

#64 Dano3000

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 06:38 PM

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#65 Granite Mark

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 09:07 PM

LATEST REVISION #9
Thanks all. Really quick edit here. Focused solely on Anthony I think. I've been staring at this thing all day and this is probably it for now. Be as brutal as you want. It's good for me.

Dear Shut Yo Mouth,

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill everyone who stops shopping, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

Anthony hates Our City. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. After protecting The Headquarters economy, he can be found overdosing on his bathroom floor or using his slave as a punching bag. The last thing he expected was for one of his beatings to knock his slave free of The Headquarters’ control (I'm having a lot of problems understanding "knock his slave free of The Headquarters control"), and the malfunction (What malfunction? his own? the beating?) couldn’t have opened his eyes any wider.

Anthony has been wasting his life for a city he doesn’t even care about (This sounds repetative from the first sentence of the second paragraph), and if he keeps it up, the drugs may kill him. Luckily enough, The Headquarters is finding more disaffected employees than even Anthony is able to kill(This is coming completely out of left-field to me. I don't even know what it means). As it becomes increasingly clear that Our City faces complete collapse(I still have no idea why it is clear the City will collapse), Anthony will either implode with it, or learn how to escape his own self destruction from the unlikeliest of sources: a slave.

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and should appeal to lovers of dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing classes. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
-SayItAgain!


fair 'nuff thanks for looking at mine.

This is much clearer than #8. You are on the right track to do your query from Anthony's point of view. IMO you need to focus on his relationship with the slaves, the slaves roles, etc. These elements I believe are pivotal to your story . The sub plots of killing shoppers and disaffected employees is distracting and confusing. A mention of Our City/The Headquarters, why they are bad, and their motives are all that's needed to establish the conflict, but don't focus on them - focus on your MC only. :wink:

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#66 Dano3000

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 11:29 PM

LATEST REVISION #10
I've been staring at this way too much today. Regardless, thank you all so much for your insights and suggestions.
Here's what I've cooked up.


Dear, [uuuung]
Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

The earth was destroyed just to build it, the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its economy depends on raising people like Anthony to kill anyone who stops shopping. The Headquarters is the worlds last government, and Our City is their pride and joy.

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. When The Headquarters asks him to murder a newborn because it was projected to be "economically invalid", Anthony finally admits he's not human anymore. The last thing he expected on the night he'd kill himself was for his slave to wake up freed of The Headquarters’ control, and it's malfunction couldn't have happened at a better time.

The Headquarters is preparing for another hard reset, and they're asking Anthony to take out their old employees. As Our City begins to fall apart from the inside out, Anthony could either implode with it, or learn how to escape his downward spiral from the unlikeliest of sources: a slave.

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and should appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
-ououoough.

#67 michaelmonson84

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Posted 22 March 2012 - 07:44 PM

LATEST REVISION #10
I've been staring at this way too much today. Regardless, thank you all so much for your insights and suggestions.
Here's what I've cooked up.


Dear, [uuuung]
Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.[Okay, this is finally working for me. The choppy, concise sentences give it a robotic, futuristic tone which plays well for your subject matter. Maybe consider leaving off the last sentence. Or not. Just something to think about]

The earth was destroyed just to rebuild[?] it, the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its economy depends on raising people like Anthony to ["who" instead of "to"?] kill anyone who stops shopping [I like the premise]. The Headquarters is the worlds last government, and Our City is their pride and joy.[Much clearer now]

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly [I like using a word like "golly" here, it speaks volumes about Anthony's character, so make sure "golly" is the right word. Right now it's making me think goofy, which maybe works as a scary foil for the fact that he also loves murder and is an executioner, but if that doesn't jive with what's in the book, I'd keep looking for the right word] does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. When The Headquarters asks him to murder a newborn because it was projected to be "economically invalid", Anthony finally admits he's not human anymore [I'm loving this, so much stronger, so much more engaging--but help me understand, is he going to commit suicide instead of killing the newborn? Is that the catalyst?]. The last thing he expected on the night he'd kill himself was for his slave [okay, this seems to be a pivotal, "but wait" moment and I don't think it's working because we're just hearing about "his slave" for the first time. I think you need to set things up a little more so when you tell us, "his slave wakes up freed" we say, wow, or crap, or thank goodness, or that really throws a wrench into things. Right now I'm thinking, why does he have a slave?] to wake up freed of The Headquarters’ control, and it's malfunction couldn't have happened at a better time.

The Headquarters is preparing for another hard reset [sounds interesting, but I need to know more about what this means to Anthony to really want to sign you as an author and give you a million dollar advance], and they're asking Anthony to take out their old employees. As Our City begins to fall apart from the inside out, Anthony could either implode with it, or learn how to escape his downward spiral from the unlikeliest of sources: a slave [Okay, from the introduction of the slave through the end still needs some retooling. What's really at stake for Anthony? Just escape from his old way of life? You've laid out his options, but I still don't know, really, what the consequences are of choosing one option over the other, the risks. Is he in a position to topple The Headquarters and free all the slaves? Will be be able to escape and live a better life? I'm just thinking on the screen here because it feels like there needs to be something stronger to end on, something that really leaves me wanting to know what's going to happen or at least how it's going to happen.

Welcome to Our City’s last day. [This is okay for an ending, but feels a little fatalistic. I think it works because the reader's thinking, ah, but it won't be the last day, somehow, but I think you may be able to find something even more grabby.]

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and should appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
-ououoough.


Over all looking strong. Monkey around with it a little more and I think you'll be there.
Michael
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#68 Mia K Rose

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Posted 22 March 2012 - 08:04 PM

Dear, [uuuung]
Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified. [Nice, I like this.]

The earth was destroyed just to build it [this just confused me?], the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its economy depends on raising people like Anthony to kill anyone who stops shopping. The Headquarters is the worlds last government, and Our City is their pride and joy.

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder [This sentence gives me the impression Anthony is someone I don't like, especially if he enjoys murder, and in such a flippant manner]. When The Headquarters asks him to murder a newborn because it was projected to be "economically invalid", Anthony finally admits he's not human anymore [Because he likes murder?]. The last thing he expected on the night he'd kill himself [Is this a connection to his realisation of not being human?] was for his slave [what slave? I thought he was told to kill a newborn?] to wake up freed of The Headquarters’ control, and it's malfunction [slaves aren't human, but mechanical?] couldn't have happened at a better time.

The Headquarters is preparing for another hard reset, and they're asking Anthony to take out their old employees. As Our City begins to fall apart from the inside out, Anthony could either implode with it, or learn how to escape his downward spiral from the unlikeliest of sources: a slave. [You mention the slave as if it is a new idea, but in the above paragraph a slave is mentioned. Is this a different slave?]

Welcome to Our City’s last day. [I don't mind this]

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and should [Never use 'should', it is a wishy washy word. Use a strong word like 'will'] appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
-ououoough.


I like the idea, but presently I am feeling a little lost in the ideas and their structure. Granted I haven't read your previous versions where it might have explained it, but in its current form I feel lost. See if you can clarify some things to make it clearer to the reader. Or I could just be misreading it. Good luck with it. :)
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#69 Dano3000

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Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:44 PM

LATEST REVISION #11
Michael and Miak. you both rock.
Here's what I've cooked up based on your advice. Rip me a new one, eh?

Dear [D.A.R.E OFFICER],

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

The Headquarters is the world’s last government, and Our City is their pride and joy. The earth was destroyed just to build it, the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its people binge eat and shop while waiting to be pronounced “Winner!” Anthony is alone in knowing that only the disaffected win. He has to kill everyone who does.

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. When The Headquarters has him slaughter a newborn for its projected "economic inconvenience", Anthony finally see’s just how inhuman he’s become. On the night he'd repent and kill himself, his slave wakes from a beating freed of The Headquarters’ control, and its malfunction couldn't have happened at a better time.

The Headquarters is depending on Anthony to prevent an uprising unlike anything their social engineering has allowed. As it becomes increasingly clear that Our City is imploding from the inside out, Anthony and his slave have to decide what’s worth killing for: a totalitarian slaughterhouse, or a world without "winners."

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
[Everything you tried to prevent.]

#70 Mia K Rose

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Posted 22 March 2012 - 11:00 PM

LATEST REVISION #11

Dear [D.A.R.E OFFICER],

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

The Headquarters is the world’s last government, and Our City is their pride and joy. The earth was destroyed just to build it, the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its people binge eat and shop while waiting to be pronounced “Winner!” Anthony is alone in knowing that only the disaffected win. He has to kill everyone who does. [I would connect those last two sentences, because the 'who does' made me go 'does what?' Otherwise nice improvement]

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. [With the mention of drugs twice now, are these drugs brainwashing him to murder, or make him a better murderer?] When The Headquarters has him slaughter a newborn for its projected "economic inconvenience", Anthony finally see’s just how inhuman he’s become. On the night he'd repent and kill himself, his slave wakes from a beating freed of The Headquarters’ control [I keep rereading this and I am still stumbling over it. How is a 'beating freed of'?], and its malfunction couldn't have happened at a better time.

The Headquarters is depending on Anthony to prevent an uprising unlike anything their social engineering has allowed. As it becomes increasingly clear that Our City is imploding from the inside out, Anthony and his slave have to decide what’s worth killing for: a totalitarian slaughterhouse, or a world without "winners."

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
[Everything you tried to prevent.]


Much better I think. Have a look at my suggestions and see what you think. :)
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#71 michaelmonson84

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Posted 23 March 2012 - 02:58 AM

LATEST REVISION #11
Michael and Miak. you both rock.
Here's what I've cooked up based on your advice. Rip me a new one, eh?

Dear [D.A.R.E OFFICER],

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.[okay, I think you're there on this hook. Looks good. Glad you didn't tinker here]

The Headquarters is the world’s last government, and Our City is their pride and joy. The earth was destroyed [you shift to passive voice here leaving the unanswered question, who destroyed it. If it was The Headquarters, I'd make them the subject of the sentence and put it in active voice, something like "The Headquarters destroyed the earth just so they could rebuilt it their way, and Our City is their crowning achievement--well, maybe that was a lame effort, but I think it would help if we knew a little more about how the world got to where it is. Hard to guess not having read the MS, but maybe you could even stay vague and just say something like "After the radiation finally blew way, The Headquarters became the world's last government and Our City is their model society.] just to build it, the survivors left in the rubble are enslaved to maintain it, and its people binge eat and shop while waiting to be pronounced “Winner! [Need to explain a little more. Winner of what? Do people live in some sort of economic survival game? What does achieving winner status get them? Immunity from Our City's Executioner?] Anthony is alone in knowing that only the disaffected win [?]. He has to kill everyone who does [what, become a Winner?].

Anthony hates it. All of it. But, golly, does he ever love a good, drugged out murder. When The Headquarters has him slaughter a newborn for its projected "economic inconvenience", Anthony finally see’s just how inhuman he’s become [Perfect, great revision. Very clear now] . On the night he'd repent [I like "atone" here for some reason more than "repent" and I'd revise to read "On the night he plans to atone by killing himself" the "he'd" is throwing me a little] and kill himself, his slave wakes from a beating freed of The Headquarters’ control, and its malfunction couldn't have happened at a better time. [I think I understand that the psychological stress causes Anthony to beat his slave which in turn causes the malfunction and release from The Headquarter's control. But that whole chain of events doesn't come through clearly for some reason. For purposes of the query letter, maybe just say something like, "...and kill himself, his slave malfunctions and approaches Anthony for the first time free from The Headquarter's control."

The Headquarters is depending on Anthony to prevent an uprising [that threatens to completely destroy their socially engineered society (maybe?) unlike anything their social engineering has allowed. As it becomes increasingly clear that Our City is imploding from the inside out, Anthony and his slave have to decide what’s worth killing for: a totalitarian slaughterhouse, or a world without "winners." [I like this sinker, but I think it will pop more if you set it up better with a clearer understanding of what "winners" are.]

Welcome to Our City’s last day.[This works, keep it.]

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and guest teaching college level creative writing courses. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
[Everything you tried to prevent.]


Coming along. It seems like the Slave is more than just a sidekick (I must be remembering an earlier draft). Something about the sidekick teaching Anthony or helping him decide to fight for a just cause, something. If that's the case, I'd put that in, somehow. If not and he is just a sidekick/minor character, I'd leave him out altogether and use the space to instead explore the Winner system. I'm still at a point where I pretty much get it, but I can't say I really understand the core of what the book's about--and by that I mean central conflict. I think if you can give the reader the answers to these questions it will really tighten up the query: (1) What does Anthony want or need to do (the one major thing) Bring down The Headquarters? (2) what's the major thing stopping him? An army of mind controlled slaves? (3) What's going to happen if he's not successful?

I'll keep checking back. Good luck.
Michael
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#72 H. Bruce

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 03:08 PM

You are chiseling away like a psycopath at this. As I told you early on in your endeavor, I like your style and I like the query. Miak and Michael's reviews nailed the points that I would have mentioned specifically.

For the record this is much better than your first go 'rounds. I really like to see that you are sticking with that hook, it still works for me. I love the inclusion of "Welcome to Our City’s last day" at the end of your query, expert placement.

The "winner" stuff is all a bit unclear. I have no doubt you'll address that for your next revision. As always, excited to read the final take!

#73 Dano3000

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:28 PM

LATEST REVISION #12
Things I have tried to do with this revision:
1. Explain what exactly The Headquarters is
2. Explain Our City's dynamics in relation to Anthony's role. .
3. show Anthony's slave a little better?
4. Get a more solid representation of what Anthony is torn between.

Michael, Mr. Bruce, and Miak your comments and critiques have been more helpful than morning coffee in getting me through this latest one. So here ya go :D

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

As the world’s last government, The Headquarters demolished the earth just to build Our City, engineered its population to be fat, vacuous, and easily medicated, enslaved all of THOSE remaining in the fallout, and promises every citizen that they’ll soon “win”. Anthony is alone in knowing that “winning” means The Headquarters thinks you’re dangerous, and that the dream destination everyone’s waiting for, “The Tropics”, is just a pile of bodies rotting with the wastelands.He knows because the pile is his, and he's alone because he loves doing nothing else.

But when The Headquarters has him taking newborns from their mothers to “prevent juvenile delinquency”, Anthony’s is faced with how inhuman he's really become, and it's something his drugs can't bury. The last thing he expected on the night he’d repent and kill himself was for his slave to wake from its brainwashing, put his pills away, and remind him that it’s not his fault that The Headquarters raised him to love murder.

As Anthony questions whether his childhood was an upbringing or a brainwashing, an onslaught of “winners” who've grown disaffected with waiting threaten to push Our City into collapse. Unlimited drugs and total immunity are losing their luster, and Anthony, with the help of his slave, will have to decide what’s worth killing for: A state sanctioned slaughterhouse, or a world without winners. [To be honest, sometimes when I read this I get a really awful feeling about using "winners" so closely together in the same paragraph. Thoughts?]

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and teaching college level creative writing courses.

Thank you for your time and consideration

#74 JMB

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:47 PM

Hmm... I've only read the latest post. I am confused but also intrigued. I get a strong sense of the world-building but not of the MC's personal strengths or what is at stake. Just the same, if the first 10 pages were attached, I'd read them.

I got this much 1. he knows things are f'd up when he has been told to take babies based on predictions of future crimes 2. so he decides to kill himself but 3. despite that, he is still crucial to something the state wants. Bottom line, query is a bit jumbled, but nearly there. I assume the slaughterhouse is the killing of innocent infants, but the alternative--a world without winners--have no idea what that means.

#75 Dano3000

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 07:59 PM

Thanks a ton JMB. I've been trying to avoid using terminology like "The State" to describe what goes on in the book, because I'm not sure that most agents would assume The State is an automatic evil like an anarchist (raises hand) would, but I think you get it. *long range high five*
In earlier queries, I tried (and failed) to describe other characters crucial to Our City's functions that were growing disaffected and violent. Perhaps I should attempt to do so once more.
Thanks a ton for your feedback, again :)

#76 Granite Mark

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Posted 25 March 2012 - 08:42 AM

LATEST REVISION #12
Things I have tried to do with this revision:
1. Explain what exactly The Headquarters is
2. Explain Our City's dynamics in relation to Anthony's role. .
3. show Anthony's slave a little better?
4. Get a more solid representation of what Anthony is torn between.

Michael, Mr. Bruce, and Miak your comments and critiques have been more helpful than morning coffee in getting me through this latest one. So here ya go :D

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified. (I cut out the middle phrase because you can explain "The Headquarters" in the body of your query and not really lose anything, here)

As the world’s last government, The Headquarters demolished the earth just to build Our City, engineered its population to be fat, vacuous, and easily medicated, enslaved all of THOSE remaining in the fallout, and promises every citizen that they’ll soon “win” (This is a long sentence). Anthony is alone in knowing that “winning” means The Headquarters thinks you’re dangerous, and that the dream destination everyone’s waiting for, “The Tropics”, is just a pile of bodies rotting with the wastelands.He knows because the pile is his, and he's alone because he loves doing nothing else.

But when The Headquarters has him taking newborns from their mothers to “prevent juvenile delinquency”, Anthony’s is faced with how inhuman he's really become, and it's something his drugs can't bury. The last thing he expected on the night he’d repent and kill himself was for his slave to wake from its brainwashing, put his pills away, and remind him that it’s not his fault that The Headquarters raised him to love murder.(good)

As Anthony questions whether his childhood was an upbringing or a brainwashing, an onslaught a glut of “winners” those who've grown disaffected with waiting The Tropics threaten to push Our City into collapse. Unlimited drugs and total immunity are losing their luster, and Anthony, with the help of his slave, will have to decide what’s worth killing for: A state sanctioned slaughterhouse, or a world without winners. [To be honest, sometimes when I read this I get a really awful feeling about using "winners" so closely together in the same paragraph. Thoughts?]

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and teaching college level creative writing courses.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Added my thoughts. This is really much, much better. I get it now :biggrin: I don't really think having winners twice hurts too much if at all. The first winners is the specifc definition as laid out in your book. The second winners was a figurative sense. I like the second one better- adds a touch of irony. I suggested the sentence change to eliminate the first winners, yet still convey the message.

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#77 michaelmonson84

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 05:09 PM

LATEST REVISION #12
Things I have tried to do with this revision:
1. Explain what exactly The Headquarters is [check]
2. Explain Our City's dynamics in relation to Anthony's role. .[check]
3. show Anthony's slave a little better? [check]
4. Get a more solid representation of what Anthony is torn between [check]

Michael, Mr. Bruce, and Miak your comments and critiques have been more helpful than morning coffee in getting me through this latest one. So here ya go :D

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified. [Yes]

As the world’s last government, The Headquarters demolished the earth just to build Our City [Yes], engineeringed its population to be fat, vacuous, and easily medicated[.], enslavinged all of THOSE remaining in the fallout are pacified by the hope of becoming a "winner.", and promises every citizen that they’ll soon “win”. But Anthony, Our City's executioner, alone knows that The Tropics promised to winners is really just a mass grave in the wastelands, rotting with the bodies of those The Headquarters considers dangerous. winning is alone in knowing that “winning” means The Headquarters thinks you’re dangerous, and that the dream destination everyone’s waiting for, “The Tropics”, is just a pile of bodies rotting with the wastelands [Yes, I'm definately reading this book. Yes. Thank you for these details. You're so close, I'm just messing around with the presentation a little, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. Don't take my revisions as gospel, but maybe see if you can tighten it up a little without losing any of this great information. I'm loving it.].He knows because it's his job to create the pile. is his, and Hhe's alone because he loves his work doing nothing else.[Again just trying to tighten a little, get a little more punch]

But when The Headquarters has him taking [something else to show that this is a sudden change, the turn of events he didn't see coming. Something like "...implements a new program of taking..." newborns from their mothers to “prevent juvenile delinquency”, [Yes} Anthony’s is faced [need a better word that "faced" "forced to confront" "slapped with a sudden realization of his own depravity] with how inhuman he's really become, and it's something his drugs can't bury [good sneaking in of world building. I'd like something more though, same idea, stronger language "...and the horror of killing babies is something not even the drugs can mask..." something like that. The last thing he expected on the night he’d [I still don't like the "he'd" here but I'm willing to live with it if you want to keep it] repent and kill himself was for his slave to wake from its brainwashing, put his [sounds like the slave's pills, maybe say "Anthony's"] pills away [flush his pills? snatch away his pills? dissolve his pills? give me a better verb than "put"], and remind [remind? did he know before? "show" a more accurate word?] him that it’s not his fault. [I like a period here or maybe an em dash for more emphasis. Also, great literary device. Making the murderer we would otherwise hate into a victim we can empathize with, feel sorry for. Good stuff.] that The Headquarters raised him to love murder [good good. It's all making sense now. You've got it.].

As Anthony questions whether his childhood was an upbringing or a brainwashing [yes], an onslaught of “winners” who've grown disaffected with waiting for their trip to "The Tropics" [just for clarity as I assume they're not dead yet. Love the irony too, by the way. Good stuff.] threaten to push Our City into collapse. Unlimited drugs and total immunity are losing their luster, and Anthony, with the help of his slave, will have to decide what’s worth killing for: A state sanctioned slaughterhouse, or a world without winners. [To be honest, sometimes when I read this I get a really awful feeling about using "winners" so closely together in the same paragraph. Thoughts? Great ending. The repeated use of "winners" doesn't bother me. It's a title, like a name. You use "Anthony" multiple times in this paragraph too, I feel like it's the same thing. Anyway, that term is now pregnant with meaning--winners are really losers but he has a chance to make everyone winners by making everyone losers. Brilliant. I would keep it. As a matter of fact, if you just have to get rid of one of the "winners" in the paragraph, get rid of the other one. Don't lose this great sinker.]

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and teaching college level creative writing courses.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Dano, my man, you've arrived. This is the draft. I'm hooked. Polish it up a little (as per comments above) and I think you're there. Great work.
Michael
blog: ravallavar.blogspot.com (writing, photos, travel, random stuff)

#78 H. Bruce

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 08:55 PM

Here are my concrete gripes:
  • Nowhere in your query did you acknowledge the accomplishments of Daniel Day-Lewis.
  • It doesn't sound like there is a high demand for Nordic Trac salesmen in Our City...thus you have written me out of a job and a career that I love.
  • Will they be serving beer in "The Tropics?"
I hope by the nature of this post you understand what I am saying.

Congrats Dano, this is a very good query.

#79 cherie

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 09:07 PM

LATEST REVISION #12
Things I have tried to do with this revision:
1. Explain what exactly The Headquarters is
2. Explain Our City's dynamics in relation to Anthony's role. .
3. show Anthony's slave a little better?
4. Get a more solid representation of what Anthony is torn between.

Michael, Mr. Bruce, and Miak your comments and critiques have been more helpful than morning coffee in getting me through this latest one. So here ya go :D

I didn't read your previous revisions, so total cold read here. :smile:

Anthony Werhsier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified. Nice! I get a sense of the conflict right away. "Eat drugs" made me picture him chomping down on pills. LOL! Maybe it's just me.

As the world’s last government, The Headquarters demolished the earth just to build Our City, engineered its population to be fat, vacuous, and easily medicated, enslaved all of THOSE remaining in the fallout, and promises promised every citizen that they’ll soon “win”. Anthony is alone in knowing that “winning” means The Headquarters thinks you’re dangerous, and that the dream destination everyone’s waiting for, “The Tropics”, is just a pile of bodies rotting with in the wastelands.He knows because the pile is his, and he's alone because he loves doing nothing else. You mentioned "Anthony is alone" twice.

But when The Headquarters has him taking newborns from their mothers to “prevent juvenile delinquency”, Anthony’s is faced with how inhuman he's really become, and it's something his drugs can't bury. The last thing he expected on the night he’d repent and kill himself was for his slave to wake from its brainwashing, put his pills away, and remind him that it’s not his fault that The Headquarters raised him to love murder. Both sentences in this para are too long.

As Anthony questions whether his childhood was an upbringing or a brainwashing, an onslaught of “winners” who've grown disaffected with waiting threaten to push Our City into collapse. Unlimited drugs and total immunity (? where does immunity come from?) are losing their luster, and Anthony, with the help of his slave, will have to decide what’s worth killing for: A state sanctioned slaughterhouse, or a world without winners. [To be honest, sometimes when I read this I get a really awful feeling about using "winners" so closely together in the same paragraph. Thoughts?]

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE" is a post apocalyptic science fiction complete at 92,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of dark dystopian fiction. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green (Removed to make post cleaner), and teaching college level creative writing courses.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Very interesting premise. I must admit I had to backtrack a couple of times while reading your query because there's so much info packed in there. Just my 2 cents. :happy:
A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.
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I'm a YA writer represented by Julia A. Weber of J.A. Weber Literaturagentur GmbH.
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Twitter: @writercherie

#80 Dano3000

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 05:53 PM

LATEST REVISION #13
Howdy hey and hidey-ho.
I let this one sit for a while. Tried simplifying it. There is less information that the previous version, but I think this one is easier to understand.
Here we go!

-------------------------------------------------

Dear [Honey Boo Boo Child],

Anthony Wershier is an error. He just freed a slave. The Headquarters raised Anthony to eat drugs and kill, not free slaves. Something is very wrong with Our City’s executioner, and The Headquarters is terrified.

The world’s last government, The Headquarters, demolished the earth just to build Our City, enslaved all of THOSE they left in the fallout, and promises every fat, slobbery citizen that they’ll soon “win”. Anthony alone knows that “winning” means The Headquarters thinks you’re dangerous, and the dream destination they promised, “The Tropics”, is a pile of bodies rotting in the wastelands. He knows because the pile is his, and he’s alone because he loves nothing else.

When The Headquarters’ forces Anthony’s blood lust into the hospital's birth ward, his inability to stop killing leaves his conscience with untreatable, debilitating stains. Deaf to drugs and dead set on suicide, the last thing Anthony expected was for his slave to malfunction from routine discipline, throw the drugs away, and remind him that it’s not his fault The Headquarters’ raised him to love murder.

As Anthony battles his upbringing, an onslaught of disaffected “winners” threaten to throw Our City into total collapse. Anthony, with the help of his slave, will have to decide what’s really worth killing for: A state sanctioned slaughterhouse, or a world without winners.

Welcome to Our City’s last day.

"THOSE", a work of literary fiction, is complete at 92,000 words, and should appeal to lovers of dark dystopias and darker humor. A seasoned spoken word performer, my background includes being the first feature at The Applesauce Teahouse in Flagstaff, AZ, starring in the documentary “Poetic Existence” by Talia Green, and teaching college creative writing classes. I am currently writing a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

-[Holla for a dolla!]




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