Lil has no idea why Aunt Vic left
it to her[replace with 'the English estate for her]. Just the name of the place, Greneley Wood, gives her a weird feeling. Chills? Anticipation? [Cull the questions] And she’ll be there in fourteen hours.
When 17 year old Liliana arrives
at the English estate, she leaves her parents to their arguments, pulled[maybe drawn?] like a fish on a lineinto the ancient forest that surrounds[surrounding] the place like a blue-green fog.
From the hollow of a hulking oak, a boy appears, eyelashes ending in tiny oak leaves, golden spider silk running from his broad shoulders to the gnarled ridges of the tree [This is almost description overload]. Immediately, Lil notices the change in her vision. It's like she's wearing a pair of those yellow-lensed sunglasses kids buy at the drug store. Her heartbeat thunders through her feet, her hands, the leafy ground under her shoes. The boy, Miach, tells Lil that she is under his sway. Under the influence of a Green Man. [Overall I think this entire paragraph needs some trimming, to get to point a lot faster]
Wide-eyed, his vowels all curled in on themselves, Miach tells her that, to save his tribe from the Romans, he gave himself as a sacrifice to the woodland god, Cerunnos. Hung on that very oak, he is now spiritually connected to the god through the tree. Amazed at his story, his innocent enjoyment of her modern music, and his insatiable lust for life, Lil is crushed when he tells her what is coming. In ten days, Cerunnos will destroy what is left of his humanity, raise him as Oak King, and use his brutal strength to uproot the cities of Britain. [This is your high stakes but it is getting weighed down by the description and set-up before it. Again look at trimming the sentences before this one.]
Unless Lil can stop him.
Turns out, there is a reasonHer aunt left the manor and its forest to her for a reason. Liliana hasinherited more than just a piece of property. Her blood gives her the ability to break bonds, to fight for Free Will.
Miach believes she can free him before he is forced to murder and destroy. Now she must figure out how to live up to Miach’s faith, battle a god, and save her parents who won't believe that this myth that has come to life. Liliana is determined to create a happy ending for everyone, but she will soon learn that the only thing she can truly control is herself.
Using my Master’s Degree in Education in a way I never could have predicted, I teach kickboxing and self-defense to teens at our family’s martial arts school [I am not seeing the relevance between kickboxing and a paranormal romance story]. In addition to the time I spend obsessing over English history, I am an active member of YALitChat, AgentQueryConnect, Historical Fiction Online, and my local writing group.
SWAY is a YA paranormal romance (or hey does someone have a suggestion as to a better label???) [if romance is your focal point I don't see that in the query] complete at 76,000 words.
I think with some trimming this could become a nice tight query that really emphasise the high stakes your MC is facing.