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SWAY (YA Paranormal)


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#81 AMK

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Posted 22 June 2012 - 04:57 PM

Thanks, everyone! How about this version?


Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove. He's been waiting for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistaken, Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. The scene shows her that in one week, on the day the woodland god is most powerful, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster. No matter how unwilling, Miach will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he won’t even be able to save Liliana or her family.

So it’s up to her to save him first.

#82 D. E. Jackson

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 09:29 AM

Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove. He's been waiting for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistaken, Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. depicting? The scene shows her that in one week, on the day the woodland god is most powerful, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster. No matter how unwilling, Miach will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he won’t even be able to save Liliana or her family.

So it’s up to her to save him first.


I still like the other hook better, but everything else looks intriguing to read. :happy:
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#83 Aightball

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 03:19 PM

Thanks, everyone! How about this version?


Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right. I think this is fine ending at knife; anything else takes away from your hook.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove. He's been waiting for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistaken, Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. The scene shows her that in one week, on the day the woodland god is most powerful, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster. No matter how unwilling, Miach will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. To me, this gives too much away. I think if you can get a short transition, you can leave it out. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he won’t even be able to save Liliana or her family.

So it’s up to her to save him first. I'd put this up in the last paragraph.


I think I commented this before and I apologize for not getting back sooner =(. I do like this query and I think you're making good progress. I'm interested to see what you can do with further revisions =).

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#84 Coyelmore

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 05:25 PM

Thanks, everyone! How about this version?


Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate (Why? on summer vacation, small trip a little detail as to why she has visited. Is it abandoned? since it's her late aunt) and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove.(If he saved his people, why is he held captive? Was the woodland God rooting for the Romans? Is he...evil?) He's been waiting for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistaken, Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. But an ancient scene carved in a local crypt catches more than her eye. The carving reveals that in one week, on the woodland god's most powerful day, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster that will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he will be unable to save Liliana or her family..... almost to the cliff hanger, feel like this could be a little edgier.)

So it’s up to her to save him first.

AMK, nicely done. I think the flow is good but a few details may help. I made a few humble suggestions. Use what you can (if any) and disregard the rest. Best of luck!

#85 AMK

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Posted 25 June 2012 - 07:50 PM

Thanks, LiaFail, Aightball, and Coyelmore!

#86 nate

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Posted 01 July 2012 - 03:10 PM

wa this is looking really good. I remember your earlier versions. I should say that "kickboxer lilana" sounds really good, the words go really well together and she sounds like a badass.

Thanks, everyone! How about this version?


Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove. He's been waiting for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistake Certain isn't a good word here. I had to read it thrice before I understood that you didn't mean certainly, or Ceritain-Mike as if it was his name. Maybe "sure that" or "knowing that," or maybe even "certain that." , Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. The scene shows her that in one week, on the day the woodland god is most powerful, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster. No matter how unwilling, Miach will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. Coool sentence structure. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he won’t even be able to save Liliana or her family.

So it’s up to her to save him first this could use a bit of work here. I want your ending to be as strong as the rest of it. This sounds more formulaic. But I cannot help much here, put this in the same voice you were using in the first sentences.


good luck

#87 Cheryl B. Dale

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Posted 01 July 2012 - 04:35 PM

Thanks, everyone! How about this version?


Seventeen-year-old kickboxer Liliana visits her late aunt's English estate and meets Miach. He has oak leaves for eyelashes and a scar the size of a steak knife. And he says she’s special. Right.

Two thousand years ago, Miach sacrificed himself to a woodland god to save his people from the advancing Roman army. Ever since, the god’s golden threads have kept him trapped in a sacred grove. He's been waiting waits for the only person capable of releasing him. Liliana.

Certain Miach is mistaken, Liliana runs from the grove and back to normalcy. But then she sees an ancient carving in a local crypt. The scene shows her that in one week, on the day the woodland god is most powerful, he will morph Miach into a soulless monster. No matter how unwilling, Miach will uproot the cities of southern England. Buildings will fall. Civilization will wither. People will die. Once Miach is under the god’s hold, he won’t even be able to save Liliana or her family.

So it’s up to her to save him first.


I really like the last line. I think this has come a long way.Couple of suggestions, but this looks pretty close to me.

Just my opinion, of course.

#88 AMK

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 04:49 PM

Thanks Nate and CherylD! We'll see how it goes...

#89 Joey

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 07:57 PM

I like it just as it is with the last teeny revisions..."He waits for the only person capable of releasing him..."

Very compelling query for a YA.

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#90 AMK

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Posted 03 July 2012 - 01:38 PM

Thanks JoeyF! I plan to send some out very soon. I'll keep y'all posted! Thanks again everyone!!!!




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