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LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF (YA paranormal romance)new revision to post 15


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#1 SarahMarie

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 11:10 AM

I've been working a while on this query and would love to know what everyone thinks about it. Thanks!


Dear Agent:


Secrets, lies they go with any relationship, but being in a relationship with a werewolf secrets and lies don’t just hurt they kill those closest.

19-year-old ANNA KNIGHT has always felt anything but normal, probably because that’s how her life has always been. At the age of ten, her father died after tragically falling to his death, growing up she had no friends because she would rather spend her time in the woods then go shopping at the mall, and for the past two years, she’s been living with her 21-year-old boyfriend STEVEN FOSTER who was born a werewolf.

There have been werewolves and humans believing the two shouldn’t mix, causing Anna and Steven to be constantly looking over their shoulders. When Anna is attacked in the woods by an unknown wolf, it leaves them to believe that someone sent him to kill her. Anna and Steven find out their friends Michael and Avery have been brutally murdered by a pack of wolves. Anna then sets out to find why they were killed and if there’s a connection with the wolf that attacked her.
She discovers that her father’s fall and even the car crash that killed Steven’s parents might not have been an accident. When she learns unknown secrets about her family’s past that even Steven was keeping a secret from her she starts questioning everything about her life.


LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#2 Christelle

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

Dear Agent:


Secrets, lies they go with any relationship, but being in a relationship with a werewolf secrets and lies don’t just hurt they kill those closest. Secrets and lies is in any relationship, but in a relationship with a werewolf, they don’t hurt those that are closest, they kill

19-year-old ANNA KNIGHT has always felt anything but normal, probably because that’s how her life has always been. At the age of ten, her father died after tragically falling to his death, growing up she had no friends because she would rather spend her time in the woods then go shopping at the mall, and for the past two years, she’s been living with her 21-year-old boyfriend STEVEN FOSTER who was born a werewolf. Most if this is probably not necessary for a query.

There have been Werewolves and humans believeding the two shouldn’t mix, causing Anna and Steven to be constantly looking over their shoulders. When Anna is attacked in the woods by an unknown wolf, it leaves leads them to believe that someone sent him to kill her wants her dead. Anna and Steven find out their friends Michael and Avery have been brutally murdered by a pack of wolves. Anna then sets out to find why they were killed and if there’s a connection with the wolf that attacked her. After the brutal murder of their friends by a pack of wolves, Anna tries to find of if there is a connection to the attack on her.
She discovers that her father’s fall and even the car crash that killed Steven’s parents might not have been an accident. When she learns unknown secrets about her family’s past that even Steven was keeping a secret from her she starts questioning everything about her life.


LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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#3 NavyDave

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 01:32 PM

The title drew me into reading this. Good work. Keep it up.
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#4 Joey

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 03:05 PM

Before I put in my ideas for revision on your query, let me say this, AVOID cliches in and around the 'misunderstood teenager growing up alone' part. Honestly I don't know of one teen who doesn't feel misunderstood (my own 13 yo son is included in that).

Quite a few spelling errors and grammar errors riddle the query and I want to see TEETH in this query. Also, what makes your story about an older teen falling in love with a werewolf DIFFERENT per se, than some of the plot from part of the twilight series? What IS your hook? What will make the agent want to say "Hold on, this is unique! I love this, it's never been done before in the re-telling of a werewolf/human paranormal romance!"

If I sound harsh, I do not mean to and only want to see you succeed.

Let's brainstorm a bit and go back to the drawing board for a while. I want to see you formulate a hell of a hook, and focus your writing on the action happening, the stakes, and with the conflict between the female mc and her were-boyfriend.

What sets your manuscript apart? What makes it unique? What would make an agent or person in a bookstore buy your novel?

Imagine if you will, the back of a book and it's blurb describing and SELLING why this is an amazing read. What makes you pull one book off of a shelf at a bookstore and purchase it rather than another? It's the blurb on the back.

What turned my own query around was actually PHYSICALLY going to a bookstore and pulling books I've loved and read off of the shelves and reading their sales blurbs on the back. A query is not much different, actually.

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#5 Alice in Wonderland

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 04:13 PM

I've been working a while on this query and would love to know what everyone thinks about it. Thanks!


Dear Agent:


Secrets, lies they go with any relationship, but being in a relationship with a werewolf secrets and lies don’t just hurt they kill those closest. [This hook is really awkward for a couple of reasons. It is based on a generalized statement (secrets and lies go with any relationship) that is actually very disagreeable. Also, the way the sentence is worded makes it clumsy and a bit confusing. I would scrap it completely and find a new angle on this.]

19-year-old ANNA KNIGHT [Don't put your character's name in caps.] has always felt anything but normal, probably because that’s how her life has always been. At the age of ten, her father died after tragically [The death of her father is intrinsically tragic. We telling us so is a bit repetitive.] falling to his death, growing up she had no friends because she would rather spend her time in the woods then go shopping at the mall, and for the past two years, she’s been living with her 21-year-old boyfriend STEVEN FOSTER [Again with the caps.] who was born a werewolf.

There have been werewolves and humans believing the two shouldn’t mix, [Awkward wording against here makes this last statement a little confusing. See if you can simplify it.] causing Anna and Steven to be constantly looking over their shoulders. When Anna is attacked in the woods by an unknown wolf, it leaves them to believe that someone sent him to kill her. Anna and Steven find out their friends Michael and Avery have been brutally murdered by a pack of wolves. Anna then sets out to find why they were killed and if there’s a connection with the wolf that attacked her.
She discovers that her father’s fall and even the car crash that killed Steven’s parents might not have been an accident. When she learns unknown [Again, secrets are assumed to be unknown.] secrets about her family’s past that even Steven was keeping a secret from her she starts questioning everything about her life. [These last couple sentences throw a ton of information at us in a way that is very difficult to digest, and I'm not sure all of this information is necessary.]


LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Hello there! These comments are just my opinions, so take them or leave them. For your revision, I would focus on finding a way to condense and tighten what you are saying, particularly in the last paragraph. It ends up reading like a plot list: and then she did this, and then they did this, and then this happened. Spice up what you are saying so that your character's voice comes through a little more. Also, prioritize what you want to say and cut the things that aren't on the top of that list. For example, the information about their friends being murdered and her being attacked could be simplified, especially because intruding Michael and Avery puts too many characters into the query. Finding a creative way of saying that she and people they care about are being attacked can be done in a single sentence. Keep up the hard work and good luck on your next draft!
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#6 SarahMarie

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 05:39 PM

Thanks for the comments they've been very helpful.

#7 SarahMarie

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:24 AM

Dear Agent:


A family secret that 19-year-old Anna Knight doesn’t even know about is trying to kill her.

Living in the woods with her 21-year-old werewolf boyfriend Steven Foster, an unknown wolf attacks Anna, leading them to believe that someone wants her dead. After the brutal murder of their friends by a pack of wolves, Anna tries to find if it’s connected to her attack.

The deeper Anna digs for answers the more secrets she unveils about the people that surround her. That is everyone but Steven whose secret is still an unsolved mystery.

Unsure of where to turn for answers Anna decides to confront her mother about her family’s past.

She discovers it wasn’t Steven’s own secrets he was hiding but instead the secrets of her dead father, secrets that reveal the truth about her family’s past, and what she was intended to do with her life.



Will knowing her family secret be the end of her and Steven?






LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.



Thank you for your time and consideration.

#8 cherie

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:19 PM

Hi SarahMarie! First off, make sure you edit your query for proper punctuation usage. As it is, some of your sentences are hard to understand because of misplaced or missing punctuation. Also, watch out for repetitive words. You use "secret/s" a lot. Scrap the question at the end of the query. Focus on your protagonist and what she wants, what's standing in her way, and what are the stakes involved if she fails her goal. Goodluck!

Dear Agent:


A family secret that 19-year-old Anna Knight doesn’t even know about is trying to kill her.

Living in the woods with her 21-year-old werewolf boyfriend Steven Foster, an unknown wolf attacks Anna, leading them to believe that someone wants her dead. After the brutal murder of their friends by a pack of wolves, Anna tries to find if it’s connected to her attack.

The deeper Anna digs for answers the more secrets she unveils about the people that surround her. That is everyone but Steven whose secret is still an unsolved mystery.

Unsure of where to turn for answers Anna decides to confront her mother about her family’s past.

She discovers it wasn’t Steven’s own secrets he was hiding but instead the secrets of her dead father, secrets that reveal the truth about her family’s past, and what she was intended to do with her life.



Will knowing her family secret be the end of her and Steven?






LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.



Thank you for your time and consideration.


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#9 AMK

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 01:56 PM

Dear Agent:


A family secret IS TRYING TO KILL that 19-year-old Anna Knight doesn’t even know about is trying to kill her.

WHILE Living in the woods with her 21-year-old werewolf boyfriend Steven Foster, an unknown wolf attacks Anna, leading them to believe that someone wants her dead. After the brutal murder of their friends by a pack of wolves, Anna tries to find if it’s connected to her attack.

The deeper Anna digs for answers, the more secrets she unveils about the people that surround her. That is, everyone but Steven, whose secret is still an unsolved mystery.

Unsure of where to turn for answers Anna decides to confront her mother about her family’s past.

She discovers it wasn’t Steven’s own secrets he was hiding but instead the secrets of her dead father, secrets that reveal the truth about her family’s past, and what she was intended to do with her life.



Will knowing her family secret be the end of her and Steven?






LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is 55,000-word paranormal romance novel.



Thank you for your time and consideration.


Honestly, I'm really confused here. You're holding too much back. And using the word 'secrets' overmuch. I need to know the main characters and the conflict. Start out with too much and then we can trim it down.
Good luck!
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#10 kmart86

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 02:55 PM

I may be in the minority here, since no one else has said anything about it, but 55,000 words for a paranormal romance seems short. It just doesn't seem like that's enough time to properly build the romance and supernatural world within your book.

#11 AWExley

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 03:19 PM

Firstly I want to say YES! a sexy werewolf story :smile:

But I am a little confused as to your target audience - is it YA or NA? If you're aiming for YA your ages might be a tiny bit on the high side.

And my understanding is to aim for the 75-90k region for YA, so at 55k its really light - which gives you some scope to expand on your story maybe?

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#12 jadeodunne

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 03:45 PM

I am in agreement with several other posts. I think that you are holding back too much, there has to be enough for an agent to want to read more. Right now I don't know what motivates your characters, their love story, and you may have to reveal some of the "secret" to give this query some meat. Good luck!

#13 SarahMarie

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 01:30 PM

Dear Agent:

Every action has a consequence and every consequence leaves another scar, that’s nothing but the truth for Anna Knight.

Anna lives in the woods with her werewolf boyfriend Steven. Their friend Tyler has just told his girlfriend, Sam, what he is. It now becomes Anna’s job to guide Sam on how to be a part of her world. As she does a peculiar string of events start to unfold, first a mysterious wolf poisons her. Then the only other human/wolf couple that Anna knows is brutally destroyed by a wolf pack.

After a trip to the Amazon to investigate her friend’s death, Anna finds out theirs more than one person that wants her dead. Unsure of where to turn for answers Anna decides to confront her mother about her family’s past.

Finding out her family and Steven’s family have been feuding with each other for generations, Anna doesn’t think her family’s secret can get any worse, but it’s the second secret that makes everything more complicated. It hurts her even more when she finds out Steven knew about her family and never told her.

Anna needs to make a choice between the life she has come to love with Steven or continue her family’s legacy. If she doesn’t make a choice soon her crazy cousin might make the choice for her, but she knows, either way, the consequences will be sever.

LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is a 60,000 word YA paranormal romance novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#14 SarahMarie

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 03:46 PM

I've recently made some changes on my query on post #13 so any feedback on it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

#15 SarahMarie

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Posted 07 September 2012 - 05:26 PM

Dear Agent:


A family secret is trying to kill 19-year-old Anna Knight.

In the past two years of being with Steven, her werewolf boyfriend, Anna has learned that nothing is ever certain, nothing but Steven, until now. When their friend tells his girlfriend what he is, it becomes Anna's job to guide her on how to be a part of Anna's world. As she does a peculiar string of events start to unfold, first a mysterious wolf poisons her, then the only other human/wolf couple that Anna knows is brutally destroyed by a wolf pack.

After a trip to the Amazon to investigate her friend’s death, Anna finds out theirs more than one person that wants her dead. Unsure of where else to turn for answers Anna decides it’s finally time to confront her mother about her family’s past. However, finding out the truth is much harder to swallow than not knowing at all.

For generations Anna and Steven's families have been feuding against each other but what sucks for Anna is that Steven knew this whole time and never felt the need to mention it to her. Now Anna needs to make a choice between the life she has come to love with Steven or continue her family’s legacy. If she doesn’t make a choice soon she could lose everything, but she also knows, either way, the consequences will be sever.

LIFE WITH A WEREWOLF is a 61,000 word YA paranormal romance novel.

Thanks for your time and consideration.




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