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EARTH GIRL (commercial fiction)Version 4 - taking a different approach.....V4 really is there now!


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#1 Jaxon

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 05:25 PM

Hi all,
Thanks for all the help. The last post has version 4. If you looked awhile ago and it wasn't there, have no fear, it is there now.
Thanks for sticking with me!



VERSION 3 is in post 12, (I think ....might have lost track at this point!) Thanks in advance for your help.



Dear (Agent’s Name)


When Gloria becomes convinced that the baby she is carrying was conceived in a past life, she must somehow persuade her husband and daughter to believe it too.


Plagued by a recurring nightmare in which a young girl is raped, Gloria discovers she is pregnant and she knows that her husband is not the father. To complicate matters, Gloria is about to become a grandmother. After trying and failing to end the pregnancy, she tells her family that she was impregnated in a past life. The baby is born with golden orbs for eyes and the ability to see into the future. Is she a prophet or a disabled child? As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how she is tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time. This is the first of a three-book trilogy in which the characters discover they have the ability to change the past and shape the future. The first book in the trilogy is complete at 86,000 words.

I am a novice fiction writer. For nine years from the mid-80s to the mid 90s, I had a weekly newspaper column (HOMEFRONT, Middlesex News, Framingham, MA). As the mother of five sons and an English teacher, my columns focused mainly on family life, with a number of columns devoted to teenagers and current issues. I was sometimes referred to the as The Erma Bombeck of Metrowest. This book is my first attempt at novel-length fiction.

Thank you for taking the time to read my query, and hopefully, my manuscript!

#2 Darke

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 06:06 PM

When Gloria becomes convinced that the baby she is carrying was conceived in a past life, she must somehow persuade her husband and daughter to believe it too. [You need a stronger hook, something that will grab the reader. Plus, I'm not too sure about the title. It doesn't really convey anything of the book.]


Plagued by a recurring nightmare in which a young girl is raped, Gloria discovers she is pregnant and she knows that her husband is not the father. To complicate matters, Gloria is about to become a grandmother. After trying and failing to end the pregnancy, she tells her family that she was impregnated in a past life. [How does she know this?]

The baby is born with golden orbs for eyes and the ability to see into the future. Is she a prophet or a disabled child? As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how she is tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time. [I'm unsure about this ending part. You should include something about how she became pregnant. Are there any consequences? Especially with a woman her age. There would be all kinds of health issues with bother the mother and child. And what about conflict between her and her family? Does her husband think she cheated?]

This is the first of a three-book trilogy in which the characters discover they have the ability to change the past and shape the future. The first book in the trilogy is complete at 86,000 words.
[Can this book stand alone? You're a novice writer and (no offence) but agents aren't too keen about locking themselves into a series with an unknown author]

I am a novice fiction writer. For nine years from the mid-80s to the mid 90s, I had a weekly newspaper column (HOMEFRONT, Middlesex News, Framingham, MA). As the mother of five sons and an English teacher, my columns focused mainly on family life, with a number of columns devoted to teenagers and current issues. I was sometimes referred to the as The Erma Bombeck of Metrowest. This book is my first attempt at novel-length fiction.
[Unless it's more recent, I wouldn't add it. They only want to see your credentials as a writer. Leave the other stuff out].

Thank you for taking the time to read my query, and hopefully, my manuscript! ….your time.

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#3 anais

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Posted 13 April 2012 - 05:59 AM

Hello!
I agree with the last reviewer. A few more comments:

-----------------------
When Gloria becomes convinced that the baby she is carrying was conceived in a past life, she must somehow persuade her husband and daughter to believe it too. [You need a stronger hook, something that will grab the reader. Plus, I'm not too sure about the title. It doesn't really convey anything of the book.]

--> It's the second clause that seems especially weak to me. persuading her family about it doesn't really seem THAT important. it needs more excitement, more stakes. there's got to be some compelling reason why she has to persuade her family before X happens or whatever.

Plagued by a recurring nightmare in which a young girl is raped, Gloria discovers she is pregnant and she knows that her husband is not the father. To complicate matters, Gloria is about to become a grandmother. After trying and failing to end the pregnancy, she tells her family that she was impregnated in a past life. [How does she know this?]

--> becoming a grandmother doesn't seem like it would complicate anything.
--> why did she try to end the pregnancy? it's missing her motivations for trying ot end it and telling her faimly. does she have any doubts at all?

The baby is born with golden orbs for eyes and the ability to see into the future. Is she a prophet or a disabled child? As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how she is tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time. [I'm unsure about this ending part. You should include something about how she became pregnant. Are there any consequences? Especially with a woman her age. There would be all kinds of health issues with bother the mother and child. And what about conflict between her and her family? Does her husband think she cheated?]

--> how do they know the baby can see into the future? it's a baby-- how would a baby show that? confusing.
--> disabled because she is blind? not completely clear.
--> i think you should actually reveal more details about your book-- don't keep it a secret from the agent. how IS she tied to teh past and the future? what is this love business, does she have some cosmic lover or what?

This is the first of a three-book trilogy in which the characters discover they have the ability to change the past and shape the future. The first book in the trilogy is complete at 86,000 words.
[Can this book stand alone? You're a novice writer and (no offence) but agents aren't too keen about locking themselves into a series with an unknown author]

I am a novice fiction writer. For nine years from the mid-80s to the mid 90s, I had a weekly newspaper column (HOMEFRONT, Middlesex News, Framingham, MA). As the mother of five sons and an English teacher, my columns focused mainly on family life, with a number of columns devoted to teenagers and current issues. I was sometimes referred to the as The Erma Bombeck of Metrowest. This book is my first attempt at novel-length fiction.
[Unless it's more recent, I wouldn't add it. They only want to see your credentials as a writer. Leave the other stuff out].

--> replace your bio with something short and sweet like this (but more elegant):
--> I am an English teacher and a mother of five, and was previously a newspaper columnist.

Thank you for taking the time to read my query, and hopefully, my manuscript! ….your time.

#4 Jaxon

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:47 PM

Hi,
I'm very appreciative of the feedback. Here is my next attempt. Not sure if I am supposed to re-post the previous query, but assuming not.

2nd attempt:


Dear (Agent’s Name)

Gloria awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling vulnerable, afraid and pregnant, very pregnant. Gloria did not want to be pregnant. She was 46 years old. She had a married daughter who was pregnant and, worse, a husband whom she hadn’t had sex with in 6 months. How could she be pregnant? This couldn’t be happening, but she was pretty sure it was. And, she was pretty sure that she conceived this baby in a past life.

Gloria has been plagued by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during an unidentified war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers she, too, is pregnant, she becomes convinced that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind.
After almost dying in an attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria sets about restoring her life to normal, while raising her young daughter. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is.
As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how they are tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time.

Complete at 86,000 words, but able to stand alone, this book is the first of a planned trilogy.


Thank you for your time.

#5 E.B. Black

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 03:11 PM

Hi,
I'm very appreciated of the feedback. Here is my next attempt. Not sure if I am supposed to re-post the previous query, but assuming not.

2nd attempt:


Dear (Agent’s Name)

Gloria awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling vulnerable, afraid and pregnant, very pregnant. Gloria did not want to be pregnant. She was 46 years old. She had a married daughter who was pregnant and, worse, a husband whom she hadn’t had sex with in 6 months. How could she be pregnant? This couldn’t be happening, but she was pretty sure it was. And, she was pretty sure that she conceived this baby in a past life. (In this paragraph alone, you used the word "pregnant" 5 times. You are repeating yourself and not using concise wording to express your idea. I could, personally, express most of the ideas in this paragraph just by saying: "Gloria woke-up one day to find that she was pregnant, but she hadn't had sex with her husband in six months. She had conceived the child in a past life, but her husband thought she was cheating on him." I don't think the fact that her daughter is pregnant is important enough to include in the query.)

Gloria has been plagued by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during an unidentified war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers she, too, is pregnant, she becomes convinced that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind. (Whoa. I am so lost. All these people are becoming pregnant and I'm not sure who is who anymore. And again, you can express more in less words and more concisely by saying something like: "She had nightmares about a young girl who called herself earth girl being raped and beaten. [by the way, vague phrases like "unidentified war" aren't good for a query] She is certain that she is pregnant with Earth Girl's baby.)
After almost dying in an attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria sets about restoring her life to normal, while raising her young daughter. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is.
As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how they are tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time.

Complete at 86,000 words, but able to stand alone, this book is the first of a planned trilogy.


Thank you for your time.


And don't mention anything about a trilogy until after you already have a book deal.

It's an interesting premise if you can tidy up your query letter.

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#6 Jaxon

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 03:44 PM

it's driving me crazy that one of my posts begins with "I'm very appreciated" instead of "appreciative." Oh well.
Thanks for the feedback.

#7 Jaxon

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 04:06 PM

Version 2.1

Gloria awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling vulnerable, afraid and pregnant, very pregnant. Gloria did not want to have a baby. She was 48 years old. She had a married daughter who was expecting and, worse, a husband whom she hadn’t had sex with in 6 months. This couldn’t be happening, but she was pretty sure it was. And, she was pretty sure that she had conceived this baby in a past life.
Gloria had been plagued by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a time of war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. Gloria convinces herself she is carrying Earth Girl's baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind. After almost dying in an attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria sets about restoring her life to normal, while raising her young daughter. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is. As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how they both are tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time.

A story that challenges their understanding of human existence, this novel, complete at 86,000 words, shows the main characters that they can change the past and shape the future.


Thank you for your time.

#8 Alice in Wonderland

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:51 PM

Version 2.1

Gloria awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling vulnerable, afraid and pregnant, very pregnant. Gloria did not want to have a baby. She was 48 years old. She had a married daughter who was expecting and, worse, a husband whom she hadn’t had sex with in 6 months. This couldn’t be happening, but she was pretty sure it was. [This hook needs to be tighter. A lot of this background could be shortened. Just make sure you get to your point and fast!] And, she was pretty sure that she had conceived this baby in a past life. [Woah, this last sentence is a pretty intense jump from just having dreams. Are there other reasons that would convince her of this conclusion? Because otherwise I might have to agree with her daughter and think she is a little crazy.]
Gloria had been plagued by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a time of war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. [Is all of this from Gloria's perspective or is it split between hers and Earth Girl's? I ask because the last sentence sounds as if it is from Earth Girl's POV.] Gloria convinces herself she is carrying Earth Girl's baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind. After almost dying in an attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria sets about restoring her life to normal, while raising her young daughter. [This transition is a little too ambiguous. Is she no longer with her husband? Is the young daughter the child of the Earth Girl or are you referring to Gloria's other daughter, mentioned earlier?] At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter [Earth Girls daughter or other daughter? What happened to the other daughter?] begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter [And Earth Girl. Don't forget about her! It would be good to bring her back in to the story here.] really is. As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how they both are tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time. [I would like a little higher stakes here to make me really itching to read this. You say that her daughter envisions the end of the world. Is that end coming soon? Can Gloria do something to prevent it? Talking more about that might up your stakes and put a deadline on everything.]

A story that challenges their understanding of human existence, this novel [I'm sure this was just a mistake, but you never actually mention the title of your novel in this query - oops! Put it in all caps here instead of saying "this novel."], complete at 86,000 words, shows the main characters that they can change the past and shape the future.
[The parts are scratched out here are telling us about the story, not showing us, and you don't want to do that. Hopefully by this point the rest of your query has made your point. Instead of telling us this stuff, just give the genre of your book and be done with it.]

Thank you for your time.


In general, this query reads much better than your previous one, so you are heading in the right direction! There is still work to be done though. The things I marked are just my opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck with revisions and keep it up!
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#9 efowler

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 08:14 PM

Overall, it seems good. Intrigues me with exactly how the world will end, how she is pregnant, etc. To me, it's a little wordy, only I don't know how to fix it. I've read it five times over and came with nothing because all of it needs to be there, sorry about that. I did, however, come with a suggestion to clear up. At "After almost dying in an attempt to end this pregnancy" I first thought it was a self-abortion but you then go on to say "while raising her younger daughter", so I assumed it meant a very 'scary' birth. So, in replacement of the first phrase, you could say something along the lines of birth-- not only will it get rid of a "pregnancy" (there seems to be maybe one too many here) but will also show symbolism as a birth to the rest of the book, a birth to the answers to come. Anyways, I'm new so I hope you don't take my criticism wrong.

#10 SC_Author

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 08:16 PM

Hi,
I'm very appreciative of the feedback. Here is my next attempt. Not sure if I am supposed to re-post the previous query, but assuming not.

2nd attempt:


Dear (Agent’s Name)

Gloria's dream awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling show this, instead of tell? vulnerable, afraid and pregnant, very pregnant. Gloria did not want to be pregnant. She was 46 years old. She had a married daughter who was pregnant and, worse, a husband whom she hadn’t had sex with in 6 months. How could she be pregnant? This couldn’t be happening, but she was pretty sure it was. And, she was pretty sure that she conceived this baby in a past life. The last sentence is the main ringer, the think that made my eyes flash back to it. Try cutting things to make it get closer.

Gloria has been I'd watch these verbs (been, is, was, etc.), and watch them close. You've used them quite a lot of times, and it might scare an agent plagued by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during an unidentified war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers she, too, is pregnant, she becomes convinced that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind.
After almost dying in an attempt I REALLY want to know about this attempt (and I want to know it in this query. I'm not going to ask for a submission if you keep it 'hanging', but if I know the attempt, I will connect with Gloria more. It will pull at my heartstrings. to end this pregnancy, Gloria sets about restoring her life to normal Woah, I thought this meant her abortion worked, but then I read down and it said she didn't.... Or did she? Make this more clear-- I want to know about the abortion, while raising her young daughter. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is Wait, this daughter, or the aborted one? If it is this daughter, I thought she was just normal, and non Earth Girl? Clarify, please..
As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how they are tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time. Too telly

Complete at 86,000 words, but able to stand alone, this book is the first of a planned trilogy.


Thank you for your time.


Hope I helped. I hope you know that I give harsh/thorough crits to queries/MS's that I really feel have SO much potential and yours is one of them. I'm loving your premise, so I'm only critting to help :) Good luck! Thank you sooo much for your critique on my query! It really helped a lot! I'm going through to see if I can rewrite it.
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#11 Brighton

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:15 AM

This has come along quite nicely. I don't really have much to add, just that in reading these posts the query went from something that confused rather than intrigued me to something I'd be interested in reading. The changes you have made definitely are in the right direction.
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#12 Jaxon

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 03:01 PM


seems that some of what I wrote was confusing....the book itself has a complex plot that could never be sorted out in a query, so I am thinking maybe less is better.

Version 3

Gloria awoke from the dream with a feeling of dread. It was that same dream again and it left her feeling vulnerable, afraid and pregnant. This couldn't be happening - after all, the last time she and her husband had sex was 6 months ago. But, it was happening, and she was pretty sure it was because of the dreams about Earth Girl. She knew no one would ever believe that she conceived this baby in a past life. Heck, she could hardly believe it herself....if only she could stop Earth Girl from visiting her in her dreams.

Gloria's recurring nightmare was about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a time of war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and finds she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers that she is pregnant, she convinces herself she is carrying Earth Girl's baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her daughter thinks she has lost her mind.As she unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, Gloria learns how she is tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time.

Earth Girl is complete at 86,000 words.



#13 sbw2263

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 04:25 PM

Hi there!

Love the premise of your manuscript. It seems to contain a time bender like mine.

I'm jumping in a little late, and only read your first and last queries, so I may be repeating something others have said.

You might want to take some time to parse out a hook that has the horsepower to match your premise--perhaps a catchy sentence about immaculate conception no longer being the sole province of the Catholic Church, or something.

And you might not want to start the second paragraph with 'telling.' Maybe, "In Gloria's recurring nightmares, Earth Girl is raped and beaten during a time of war, and awakes in a hospital to find she is pregnant."

Did I say I loved the premise? <G>

#14 Jaxon

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 05:11 PM

Thanks, sbw2263. I like the rewritten sentence. Have to admit the immaculate conception idea crossed my mind too.

I'll be checking yours out soon. What is the title?

#15 Jaxon

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 03:37 PM

Just discovered there is no 4th version here....I don't know why. Must have forgotten to hit post!
I'll be back with it soon.

#16 Jaxon

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 03:59 PM

Here is Version 4 - sorry about the empty post last time!

Please read V4 and Version 3 in post 12 - not sure which way to go with this. I read Christopher Lockhart's advice on loglines for screenplay pitches and that caused me to come up with the hook in version 4. Which do you think is better?

Version 4


A complacent middle-aged woman, whose only goal in life is to have a stable marriage and a secure job, struggles to restore her family to normal after claiming that her unwanted pregnancy happened during a past life.

Gloria is disturbed by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and is told that she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers she, too, is pregnant, she becomes convinced that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her adult daughter thinks she has lost her mind.

After almost dying in a failed attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria tires to regain the uncomplicated life that she once took for granted. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is. .As she unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, Gloria learns how she is tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time.

Complete at 86,000 words, EARTH GIRL is commercial fiction.

Thank you for your time.

#17 aprilmwall

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 04:21 PM

Dear (Agent’s Name)


When Gloria becomes convinced that the baby she is carrying was conceived in a past life, she must somehow persuade her husband and daughter to believe it too. Okay, I have to say that this concept is totally cool to me and something I've never heard of before. I think this is your hook, but just needs rewording to come out stronger as others have suggested.


Plagued by a recurring nightmare in which a young girl is raped, Gloria discovers (she is that girl and now she's pregnant and her husband is not the father. she is pregnant and she knows that her husband is not the father. To complicate matters, Gloria is about to become a grandmother. After trying and failing to end the pregnancy, she tells her family that she was impregnated in a past life. The baby is born with golden orbs for eyes and the ability to see into the future (Maybe just say has psychic abilities?). Is she a prophet or a disabled child? As Gloria unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, she learns how she is tied to the past and the future and about a love that endures beyond time. This is the first of a three-book trilogy in which the characters discover they have the ability to change the past and shape the future. The first book in the trilogy is complete at 86,000 words. (Not sure you need to mention it being book #1 in a series, most places say it's not that important when securing the first book deal, it's something that can be brought up later)

I am a novice fiction writer. For nine years from the mid-80s to the mid 90s, I had a weekly newspaper column in HOMEFRONT, Middlesex News, Framingham, MA. As the mother of five sons and an English teacher, my columns focused mainly on family life, with a number of columns devoted to teenagers and current issues. I was sometimes referred to the as The Erma Bombeck of Metrowest. This book is my first attempt at novel-length fiction. (I'd just say this is my first novel.)

Thank you for taking the time to read my query, and hopefully, my manuscript! (I would maybe make this a little more professional by just saying thank you for taking the time to consider EARTH GIRL.

Really neat concept but the query could be tighter and there may need to be something in the query letter that does tie it to the title.

#18 Jaxon

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Posted 20 April 2012 - 04:45 PM

Thanks April!
I appreciate the time you took, but if possible, could you read version 3 (post 12) and 4 (Post 16)
I changed the "thank you" sentence to make it more professiona. No matter what version of the query I end up suing, I won't be using the "hopefully" sentence. :-)

Also changed the whole bio, or should I say pretty much eliminated it. I will probably just say that I am a former general interest newspaper columnist. (Have been told they like to know you can meet deadlines!)

Let me know if you think version 3 and/or 4 are closer to the mark.
Again, thanks for the time!

#19 tgweber

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 12:57 AM

A complacent middle-aged woman, whose only goal in life is to have a stable marriage and a secure job, struggles to restore her family to normal after claiming that her unwanted pregnancy happened during a past life. (I think you need a stronger hook, something short and sweet. I like the idea of the previous poster in regards to immaculate conception and the catholic church. That would grab me.)

Gloria is disturbed by a recurring nightmare about a young woman girl who calls herself named Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital to find and is told that she is pregnant. When Gloria discovers she too (eliminate the apostrophes), too, is pregnant, she is becomes convinced she's that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course her husband thinks she cheated on him and her daughter believes mom lost her mind. , her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince. Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her adult daughter thinks she has lost her mind.

After almost dying in a failed attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria tires to regain the uncomplicated life that she once took for granted. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is.Attempting to end the pregnancy didn't stop the painful dreams of the past. However, when Gloria's daughter begins to prophesize the end of time, she hopes the dreams will show her who her daughter really is. .As she unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, Gloria learns how she is tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time. (can you show this info instead of telling? )

Complete at 86,000 words, EARTH GIRL is commercial fiction.

Thank you for your time.

I think this is an interesting concept. Very original. Is the main question for Gloria finding out who her daughter really is? If so I think you could write something more dramatic than my critique above in the last paragraph. I am a novice so take my suggestions lightly!! Your versions are improving, good work.

#20 vondrac

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:37 AM

I like the newer version, it's a lot less wordy. I haven't read any of the comments but here we go.

A complacent middle-aged woman, whose only goal in life is to have a stable marriage and a secure job, struggles to restore her family to normal after claiming that her unwanted pregnancy happened during a past life. (Her name's Gloria, right? Since she's the main character maybe use her actual name. Also, this could be two sentences to make it more hooky.)

Gloria is disturbed by a recurring nightmare about a young girl who calls herself Earth Girl. Raped and beaten during a war, Earth Girl awakes in a hospital and is told that she is pregnant. (This line is so passive for such hardships, don't be afraid of adjectives.) When Gloria discovers she, too, is pregnant, she becomes convinced that she is carrying Earth Girl’s baby. Of course, her husband and daughter are not so easy to convince(semicolon?) Her husband thinks she has cheated on him and her adult daughter thinks she has lost her mind.

After almost dying in a failed attempt to end this pregnancy, Gloria tires to regain the uncomplicated life that she once took for granted. At first, she fervently hopes the dreams of the past life will stop, but when her daughter begins to prophesize the end of the world, Gloria hopes the dreams will provide answers to who her daughter really is. .As she unravels the mystery of her child’s conception, Gloria learns how she is tied to the past and the future, and about a love that endures beyond time. (This last sentence reads a little oddly, maybe instead of "about" say "of"?)

Complete at 86,000 words, EARTH GIRL is commercial fiction.

Thank you for your time.






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