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Paper Plane (Women's Fiction)Please help me revise my query, as it is my first ever!


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#21 Cat Porter

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 10:34 AM

Wow, Angela. I find all of this so fascinating. I'm sorry to hear (read) that you've struggled so much with the publishing process and had to alter your book to fit the mold. Hey, write an autobiography about it! Thanks for all the ideas and info, btw.

No, I am from Kentucky. Sandra's life parallels my own in many ways. I moved to Nashville (lived in Brentwood) with my twin sister and danced for two years as a trainee with The Nashville Ballet. They let my sis and me down softly and sent us on our way. So, we went to Birmingham, AL, to dance as apprentices with The Alabama Ballet. After two years of that and no promotions (according to our director, she wanted to promote us, but the economy has not allowed for the company to expand in years and no positions opened up), Cass (that's my sis) and I decided to move on. Cass went back to Nashville, and I stayed here in B-ham.

#22 WritesToEscapeReality

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 10:51 AM

I figured you must have lived here at some point because Nashville is kind of a random place to pick for a book :)

I had deleted my post and send you a personal message because I realized we were in the query critique forum and my post didn't really fit it LOL I guess you saw the post before I deleted it though.
I'm Angela. I'm a mom, wife, nurse, chauffeur and aspiring writer. I hope to add published to the list one day.

#23 Cat Porter

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 11:01 AM

Yep, sure did. Thanks for resending it to me, though.

#24 Robin Alexander

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 08:19 PM

Sounds interesting! And I think you're almost there with your query, although I'm really, really no expert :laugh:

But one question for you. Is the young man that has loved her all these years Jonah? I didn't think it was, but you don't mention another male character? Is there a way you can make this a little clearer in the query? Just a thought :smile:

#25 Cat Porter

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Posted 26 April 2012 - 11:22 PM

Nope, not Jonah. That's a good idea, though. I'm trying to avoid spoilers, so that's the hardest part. Hmmm...that gives me something to think about.

#26 emilykcassidy

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Posted 29 April 2012 - 08:19 PM

Cat,
I like the feel of your query and the way that it shows the inner turmoil of your main character. I read through the previous comments and I can see you are having trouble with which tense to write in. I know that your story is written in flashbacks, but I everything I have read suggests querys should be written in the present tense. I would try playing around with writing the query backwards- Begin with the flashbacks in present tense and build to where she is today towards the end. I am not sure if that would accomplish your main point, but it might be work attempting. Great idea for a story!

#27 Cat Porter

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Posted 01 May 2012 - 08:51 AM

Thanks, Emily. That's a great idea. I'll play around with it.

#28 Cat Porter

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 05:55 PM

Yet another draft with a few more changes and approaches. I attempted starting from the beginning and working to the present, Emily, but I am unhappy with the results.

Dear XXX:

As she eyes the alluring edge of a razor, teetering on the precipice and ready to jump, twenty-one-year-old Sandra Appleton begins to wonder what circumstances in her past set up the trajectory of her pathetic life.

In a series of flashbacks – a sort of self-administered therapy – Sandra revisits her youth, looking for answers:

Beginning at a quaint parochial school in Kentucky, a Catholic priest demeaned and harassed her. However, she found no refuge in public school where her classmates greatly misunderstood and ostracized her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spied Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursued her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovered Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college started, she plunged into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggled with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grappled with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past, she realizes that she is, in fact, endowed with everything needed to find happiness. Just as she begins to love herself, Sandra discovers that a wonderful young man has loved her for years, flaws included. Blinded by strife, she had overlooked his intermittent and subdued presence in her life.

PAPER PLANE is a work of Women's Lit complete at 190,000 words. I believe my book will attract fans of Wally Lamb and Janet Fitch. A synopsis and a full or partial manuscript are available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Catherine Porter


#29 awilson2002

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 06:25 PM

Sorry, I'm new to this site and no expert but I like where you're going with this. I'm working on my own query and I'm starting to think it's harder to write than the book itself. :tongue:

Anyway, I've been looking over the posts in here and I think you have a great story line. But, I think you should try re-wording your hook. From what I've seen, it needs to be short, concise. Try: "Sandra Appleton eyes the alluring edge of a razor. She is teetering on the precipice, ready to jump. She turns her attention inward, examining the circumstances of her past - a past that set up the trajectory of her current pathetic life."

No matter what, I'm not sure you need the statement about the series of flashbacks. When you say she's looking inward or thinking about her past, you set up the paragraph about her high school days and the events leading up to her current situation.

Hope this helps! :smile:

#30 Cat Porter

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Posted 03 May 2012 - 10:03 AM

Thank you!

#31 Cat Porter

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Posted 03 May 2012 - 02:09 PM

Is writing the body of my synopsis in present tense a better approach? Does this make it confusing?

As she eyes the alluring edge of a razor, teetering on the precipice and ready to jump, twenty-one-year-old Sandra Appleton begins to wonder what circumstances in her past set up the trajectory of her pathetic life.

In a series of flashbacks – a sort of self-administered therapy – Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers:

Beginning back at a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, a Catholic priest demeans and harasses Sandra. However, she finds no refuge in public school where her classmates greatly misunderstand and ostracize her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursues her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past, she realizes that she is, in fact, endowed with everything needed to find happiness. Just as she begins to love herself, Sandra discovers that a wonderful young man has loved her for years, flaws included. Blinded by strife, she had overlooked his intermittent and subdued presence in her life.


#32 jmarshburn

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 07:43 PM

This has come a long way! Well done! I love seeing the progress people are making. This forum is so great! You can read writers' excitement as they change their queries, and get more feedback.

I think the letter does sound better in present tense. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. But it sounds great. I do wonder (and stop me if you've heard this one) why the "wonderful young man" is only brought up at the end. You mention that he is an intermittent presence in her life, but we don't get that elsewhere in the body of your letter. Even if it's just one sentence, maybe defining their relationship as friends through the years or him as an unrequited lover, it might be nice to hear more about him before that last sentence. That way it will feel like he's more of a presence in the body of your letter too.

Good luck!
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#33 Jemi

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 02:50 PM

Hi Cat - fresh eyes here. The usual tense for queries is the present tense, so you're on the right track :) Here are my thoughts...

As she eyes the alluring edge of a razor, teetering on the precipice and ready to jump (I'm a bit confused, is she physically using the razor, on a ledge or both - hard to tell which, if either, is metaphorical) twenty-one-year-old Sandra Appleton begins to wonder (is this really when she begins to wonder? I would think she's been considering it/wondering for a while.) what circumstances in her past set up the trajectory of her pathetic life.

In a series of flashbacks – a sort of self-administered therapy (if she's about to actually commit suicide, I wonder if she'd have these thoughts at the moment. I've worked with several kids who've attempted suicide, and if they're in that state of mind, I'm not sure they could be this objective. Maybe it's the word therapy that's throwing me off. That indicates (to me anyway) a willingness to work to improve the circumstances. If she's holding a razor, I'm not sure she's there. Maybe if you phrased it differently. 'As she struggles to make the fatal decision, Sandra's past returns to torment her in a series of devastating flashbacks....) – Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers:

Beginning back at a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, a Catholic priest demeans and harasses Sandra. However, she finds no refuge in public school where her classmates greatly misunderstand and ostracize her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursues her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past, she realizes that she is, in fact, endowed with everything needed to find happiness. Just as she begins to love herself, Sandra discovers that a wonderful young man has loved her for years, flaws included. Blinded by strife, she had overlooked his intermittent and subdued presence in her life.


From what I've read/learned, you want the last paragraph to be kind of a tease. You don't want to say too much about the resolution - you want to make the agent think - 'Argg!!! I've got to know the ending - send me pages now!!!'. So maybe you could phrase it something like... 'As Sandra evaluates her past, she realizes one young man has shown up again and again. Always subdued, she now wonders if his reoccuring presence might offer her some hope for a future she didn't realize she wanted. Unless it's already too late.'... or something along those lines.

Hope those thoughts help you out a bit. If not, feel free to ignore them :smile: Good luck with it! Sounds like you've got an intriguing story here.

#34 Cat Porter

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 05:44 PM

Merci beaucoup! Everyone has great suggestions. I will eliminate the metaphor of Sandra on the precipice. I've been wondering about that for a while now. I think it's just really difficult for me to apply some of the other critiques without explaining the whole book in depth, but I appreciate the input!

#35 awilson2002

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 07:02 PM

Cat, I definitely love the progress you've made on this! I can't wait to see your next revision. :smile:

#36 Cat Porter

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:05 AM

I got to see my parents this weekend in KY for the Derby. Mom minored in creative writing, so she helped me approach this in a different way. But now, the biggest spoiler of the book is revealed. Some critics advise using spoilers if they make your work more appealing to agents, and others advise avoiding them at all costs because an agent doesn't want to know too much. The agent needs to be thirsty for more. What do you think?

Dear XXX:

She was five when she met Tommy, a pestering boy. She was eighteen when she met T, a quiet emo. But now, at twenty-one, Sandra Appleton will discover that these two people are one and the same.

Sandra eyes the alluring edge of a razor—considering suicide—but realizes this is not the solution. Reflecting on her past, she wonders what events set up the trajectory of her pathetic life. In a series of flashbacks, Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers:

Beginning back at a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, Sandra loses faith in herself and God after she accidentally floods the girls' restroom. A Catholic priest demeans and harasses her, but she finds no refuge in public school where the students ostracize her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursues her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past, she realizes that she is, in fact, endowed with everything needed to find happiness. Just as she begins to love herself, Sandra discovers that a wonderful young man—Tom—has loved her for years, flaws included. Blinded by strife, she had overlooked his intermittent and subdued presence in her life.

PAPER PLANE is a work of Women's Lit complete at 190,000 words. I believe my debut novel will attract fans of Wally Lamb and Janet Fitch. A synopsis and a full or partial manuscript are available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Catherine Porter


#37 Danielle Saints

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Posted 09 May 2012 - 10:53 PM

Dear XXX:

At age five she met a pestering boy named Tommy. She was five when she met Tommy, a pestering boy. At eighteen she met a quiet emo named T. She was eighteen when she met T, a quiet emo. Now, at twenty-one, Sandra Appleton discovers they are one and the same. But now, at twenty-one, Sandra Appleton will discover that these two people are one and the same.

Sandra eyes the alluring edge of a razor—considering suicide—but realizes this is not the solution. Reflecting on her past, she wonders what events set up the trajectory of her pathetic life. In a series of flashbacks, Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers. [As long as her being suicidal is covered in the next paragraph, you might not need this one.]

Beginning back At a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, Sandra loses faith in herself and God after she accidentally flooding the girls' restroom. A Catholic priest demeans and harasses her, but She finds no refuge in public school where the students ostracize her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody [first time hearing that she's a nerd, so maybe this can be incorporated sooner?], he pursues her and bolsters her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, and sexual abuse [just a period would work]

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past, she realizes that she is, in fact, endowed with everything needed to find happiness. Just as she begins to love herself, Sandra discovers that a wonderful young man—Tom—has loved her for years, flaws included. Blinded by strife, she had overlooked his intermittent and subdued presence in her life. [This feels more like it should be in a synopsis. Maybe try to find a way to bring up Tom but without making it sound like a happy ending? Like why Tom's presence is a good thing but without saying that she realizes she has "everything needed to find happiness"?]

PAPER PLANE is a work of Women's Lit complete at 190,000 words. I believe my debut novel will attract fans of Wally Lamb and Janet Fitch. A synopsis and a full or partial manuscript are available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Catherine Porter


I really love how you start and end with Tom's character in the query, very subtle but it does the job!

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#38 Cat Porter

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:52 AM

I've mainly focussed on revisions to the last paragraph and only included the synopsis portion of the query this time:


At age five she met Tommy, a pestering boy. At eighteen she met T, a quiet emo. But at twenty-one, Sandra Appleton discovers that these two people are one and the same.

Sandra eyes the alluring edge of a razor—considering suicide—but realizes this is not the solution. Reflecting on her past, she wonders what circumstances set up the trajectory of her pathetic life. In a series of flashbacks, Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers:

At a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, Sandra loses faith in herself and God after she accidentally floods the girls' restroom. A Catholic priest demeans and harasses her, but she finds no refuge in public school where the students ostracize her. Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursues her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past—trying to validate her existence—Tom reenters her life for the third time as a matured man. With their strengthening bond, he finally reveals his identity and the connection they’ve shared since preschool.


#39 Brighton

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 04:11 PM

At age five she met Tommy, a pestering boy. At eighteen she met T, a quiet emo. But at twenty-one, Sandra Appleton discovers that these two people are one and the same. (Oh, good, I'm glad they are the same person because I was just about to comment on how having a character named Tommy and another named T is incredibly confusing. This is interesting though, I've always liked the idea of people from different points in your life showing up again in unexpected ways. So a cool thing to write a story about.)

Sandra eyes the alluring edge of a razor—considering suicide—but realizes this is not the solution. Reflecting on her past, she wonders what circumstances set up the trajectory of her pathetic life. In a series of flashbacks, Sandra relives her youth, looking for answers:

At a parochial elementary school in Kentucky, Sandra loses faith in herself and God after she accidentally floods the girls' restroom. (Normally people on here say to be more specific about things, but to me this is a case where maybe being vague could be good, because I'm sure in the manuscript where you are able to go more in depth about why this was so traumatic for her, and the details about how awful the priest was about it, in such a limited medium as a query where you don't have time to establish all that, I find myself completely puzzled as to how flooding a bathroom could be that big of a deal that it would be the start of what led someone to consider suicide. So maybe something more mysteriously worded, such as an incident at catholic school) A Catholic priest demeans and harasses her, but she finds no refuge in public school where the students ostracize her (And here I go to contradict myself earlier and say on this one I wish you'd included a specific example to help us feel along with her, I think thats actually what my issue was before, that I wanted to feel along with her but didn't because I couldn't imagine my feelings being hurt over a flooded bathroom). Jonah, a heartthrob upperclassman from another high school, spies Sandra during her senior prom. Unaware of her reputation as a nerdy nobody, he pursues her, bolstering her ego. But after Sandra discovers Jonah’s true intent to simply enjoy a summer fling before college starts, she plunges into a state of self-loathing. Coping, she struggles with more dead-end relationships, a rash move to Nashville to physically escape her past, a rocky acclimation to her first job as a hostess in a mediocre restaurant, and the turbulence of online dating. Often driven by deep-rooted fears and phobias, she grapples with an identity crisis, poor body image, sexual abuse…

As Sandra delves into the adversity she faced in her past—trying to validate her existence—Tom reenters her life for the third time as a matured man. With their strengthening bond, he finally reveals his identity and the connection they’ve shared since preschool.

(I want to know more about how the threads of her life and Tommy's life intersect and the effect it has, and the conflict it raises, because to me thats the most interesting part about this so far, but you only touch on it at the beginning and end, instead of all this backstory about why she is so torn up tell us more about the conflict she's facing now and how Tommy reappearing is significant and what he brings to the story because if he was important enough to be the hook, he's important enough for us to know more about him. I know you were struggling with whether or not to reveal spoilers, and if you need to do that to let us know what the conflict is then this might be a case where you should. Because the whole idea you touch on of these two lives intersecting at multiple points and the effect that has is really interesting.)
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#40 Cat Porter

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 04:20 PM

Thanks, brighton. Yes, I think my query will just have to be one of spoilers.




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