Update on 67
Hailey's Pitch (MG, Sports)
Posted 16 June 2012 - 05:44 PM
Posted 17 June 2012 - 09:54 AM
I was an awards judge, so I understand sorting through a pile of entries looking for the good ones. When you send out real queries, be ready for positive responses. If I were an agent, I’d request to see the manuscript.
Presentation format – it is great – even the order of the goals has a nice flow to it. My only suggestion is use indented headings with bullets or dashes, which indicate unordered (even though there is an apparent order).
Your last sentence -- But she really loses it when a uniformed man appears from the dugout. This would have more punch if you either changed ‘appears’ to ‘steps’ (man steps from) or changes ‘from’ to ‘in’ (man appears in).
Good skill – it isn’t luck.
Posted 17 June 2012 - 12:11 PM
Posted 17 June 2012 - 12:59 PM
Posted 18 June 2012 - 12:02 AM
Even if this is just a practice run, after reading your query it definitely makes me intrigued and wanting to read this story. Your MC's problems are spelled out in a cool manner and the query isn't bogged down with unnecessary plot details. I especially liked the last line of the query. Nice job. Your revisions will be a cakewalk.
Posted 18 June 2012 - 06:34 AM
Posted 18 June 2012 - 08:27 AM
Posted 18 June 2012 - 03:23 PM
I'm hoping that Hailey bats right-handed. If she chokes up she'll have better control over the bat and she'll have more power, as she'll actually be backhanding the ball. (Remember that female tennis player who revolutionized the game with a baseball-style, two-handed backhand?) Hailey can use part of her right arm to balance the bat while waiting for the pitch. (Sorry for the overenthusiasm. There was no "baseball for girls" in my day, but that didn't stop me from becoming a baseball coach when I was a teen. )
For what it's worth, I kinda like the bulleted items. They remind me of the rapid-fire manner of sports reporting.
Currently working on my first nonfiction book, "And Then We Saw an Eye: Caring for a Loved-One with Alzheimer's at Home."
Posted 18 June 2012 - 05:18 PM
Definitely on the right track.
Just my opinion.
Posted 19 June 2012 - 01:09 PM
I'd actually pare it down. I'd tighten your bullet sentences into a one sentence, three sentence, one sentence series of paragraphs and leave off the ending paragraph altogether. But you know me and my penchant for short and sweet.
Also, let me know when you're ready to beta this.
Juvenile Junction Group Moderator
Whispering Minds~ Blog for A.T. O'Connor
Posted 19 June 2012 - 01:17 PM
Sounds like a great read!
Posted 03 August 2012 - 09:54 AM
Posted 03 August 2012 - 03:01 PM
When one-handed pitcher, twelve-year-old Hailey takes the mound, her goal extends beyond striking out Little Leaguers.
It’s to make her dad, who can’t coach her team because he is serving overseas, proud. (Maybe... Make her dad proud while he serves overseas)
It’s to make two bullies from an opposing team sorry they ever messed with her.
It’s to bond with the catcher, the boy she’s crushing on but is too shy to tell.
It’s to lead her team to the tournament championship game, which will be played at a Minor League stadium. (I'd be tempted to eliminate that phrase to improve the flow)
It’s to show Cancer that while it took her right hand, it didn’t touch her spirit and keep her from playing the game she loves.
If anyone could accomplish such lofty goals, it’s Hailey. But, as Hailey knows all too well, (maybe eliminate that & the next one too) sometimes life doesn’t turn out as planned. Days before the championship game, her world is crumbling: her dad’s tour is extended; her best friend smooches the boy she digs; her dog goes missing in the woods; and her bullies are bent on vicious payback.
Part nail-biting baseball, part camping adventure, STEALING HOME is 45,000-word Middle Grade novel featuring a protagonist who is all heart. May I send you an excerpt or the full manuscript? Thank you for your consideration.
Those are just some streamlining nitpicks. Feel free to ignore them if they don't work for you. Hope that helps you out a bit - good luck with it. Sounds like a great story.
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users