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Edits in Mercury (Dystopic YA)Thank you to all who have responded! Let's try this again. :)


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#1 CRicKeT27

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 12:23 PM

Hello all you budding writers, critiquers and hopefuls of all kinds!

After the first round, I have made some revisions, although there are parts I kept in place because they have a purpose. That being said, I tweeked it a bit more to hopefully provide clarification. If I am confusing you, then I'll be confusing them too. Also, the format is a compilation of "Sample Agent Query Letters" I've seen from different blogs and sites. I hate reading form letters myself and with the hundreds of thousands they get, I was hoping to mesh them together to make this something more 'me'.

Ok, here it goes, part deux:

Dear ___________,

One secret splintered her illusion of a happy life; another secret destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the latter sculpted her life; the one she was unknowingly engineered for.

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They are highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. The eldest triplets, one being fraternal, and their kid sister, share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches which her father, Chief Bio-Tech Engineer for the Hierarchy, has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil false truths when he takes her for an ‘office visit’. The Hierarchy, with its surreptitious cruel rein of governmental power, reveals their interest in the family when he does. They’ve always been watching.

With the help of friends and her sister, Mayana discovers how she and her siblings got their unnaturally enhanced abilities and why the Hierarchy wants them so bad.

Cresting 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a light stroke of romance. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more.

Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Colette Ricketts
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#2 akfoody

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 12:35 PM

One secret destroyed her happy life as she knew it; another destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the sinister Hierarchy secret that sculpted her life was the one she was unexpectedly made to live. This is incredibly confusing. I don't know what you're trying to get across by your second line.

A little over 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a touch of science fiction and a light stroke of romance. I am seeking representation and from my research, I understand that you represent authors of young adult fiction. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more. Put at end. Also, I would definitely do a bit more research into the agency when you send it to each one, more than just you represent young adult fiction (say it is a Young Adult dystopic novel above). Maybe compare it to a book with a similar market. Mention a book of the agent's client to show why that agent is a good match for your project.

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They were highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. Out of the 4 children, the three eldest, 2 identical 1 fraternal, and their kid sister share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches which her father has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil shattering truths when he takes her to his office at The Hierarchy. Things only get worse by the deteriorating health of her pregnant mother and older brother. reword these last two lines.

With the help of a boy she’s only had classes with, Rehm and her sister, Jayana, with the help of two friends, Mayana learns why The Hierarchy is extremely interested in their enhanced abilities. of the Trimble Children Even after centuries of peace, they were building an army and they want what makes the Trimble children special. How far into the story does this secret come out? Seems kind of far into it. Hold it off in the query.

If I have peaked your interest and would care to see more, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, and I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Best of luck with your query letter!

#3 efowler

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 12:38 PM

Hello all you budding writers, critiques and hopefuls of all kinds!

If y'all would be so kind as to give a read to my Query Letter so I can avoid any humiliating rejections for sending off evidence of my ignorance, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks in advance for any of you that care enough to help! :wub:

Ok, Here it goes:


Dear ___________,

One secret destroyed her happy life as she knew it; another destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the sinister Hierarchy secret that sculpted her life was the one she was unexpectedly made to live. (The hook is good, except the last part. "the one she was unexpectedly made to live." Did you mean "the one she unintentionally made."? It's a little confusing, I don't know what you mean by it.)

A little over 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a touch of science fiction (Dystopia is a subgenre of science fiction)and with a light stroke of romance. I am seeking representation and from my research, I understand that you represent authors of young adult fiction (I was told not to put this. If you're querying them, they know that you know they cover the genre. But if you do keep this, take out "fiction".) . I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more. (Everyone believes this. And put this paragraph at the end.)

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They were highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. Out of the 4 children, the three eldest twins, 2 identical 1 fraternal, and their kid sister share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches (Is this the "kid sister" you mentioned before?) which her father has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil shattering truths when he takes her to his office at The Hierarchy (What is the Hierarchy?). Things only get worse by the deteriorating health of her pregnant mother and older brother (Why is this happening? If it gives away a plot point, make it a better transition because right now it just seems unexpected as you said before they have unique beauty.).

With the help of a boy she’s only had classes with, Rehm (Limit the characters presented in a query) and her sister, Jayana, Mayana learns why The Hierarchy is extremely interested (When before were they interested? You only said the girl went there, and I assumed it was to cure her headache.) in their enhanced abilities. Even after centuries of peace, they were building an army and they want what makes the Trimble children special.

If I have peaked your interest and would care to see more, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, and I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Colette


I think I get the premise of the story, but there are still a few shady parts that I can't pull together to truly know what this story is about. Like, why are they sick? And is the point of the story that they want their abilities?

#4 ColoRODo Character

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 02:11 PM

Hello all you budding writers, critiques (s/b critiquers) and hopefuls of all kinds!

If y'all would be so kind as to give a read to my Query Letter so I can avoid any humiliating rejections for sending off evidence of my ignorance, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks in advance for any of you that care enough to help! :wub:

Ok, Here it goes:


Dear ___________,

One secret destroyed her happy life as she knew it; another destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the sinister Hierarchy secret that sculpted her life was the one she was unexpectedly made to live.

A little over 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a touch of science fiction and a light stroke of romance. I am seeking representation and from my research, I understand that you represent authors of young adult fiction. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more. (No need for this here., it goes at the bottom.)

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They were (suggest "are") highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. Out (Start with 'Of') of the 4 children, the three eldest, 2 identical 1 fraternal, and their kid sister share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches which her father has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil shattering truths when he takes her to his office at The Hierarchy. Things only get worse by the deteriorating health of her pregnant mother and older brother. (How can the deteriorating health of her mother and brother affect her...??? This is how the sentence reads to me.)

With the help of a boy she’s only had classes with, Rehm and her sister, Jayana, (I'm not sure we need the name of her sister just now) Mayana learns why The Hierarchy is extremely interested in their enhanced abilities. Even after centuries of peace, they were building an army and they want what makes the Trimble children special.

If I have peaked your interest and would care to see more, please let me know. (<<< Delete all of this) Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, (<<< no, no no...>>>) and I very much look forward to hearing from you. (Don't assume you'll ever hear from them...!!!)

Sincerely,
Colette


Rejection is only humilating IF you let it be so...rejection is a writer's goal...that means you have to get better at your craft...!!! Hope this helps in some small way...

PS, you can see if mine is any better when I put it up tomorrow...new revison...!!!

R-

#5 CRicKeT27

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 02:27 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your feedback! I've been editing, revising, revamping with each critique posted! Refine, review, refine, review. Still working on it and will post the revision. Hopefully it will answer some of the questions, maybe generate more. :)
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#6 robiiehood

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 03:01 PM

Dear ___________,

One secret destroyed her happy life as she knew it; another destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the sinister Hierarchy secret that sculpted her life was the one she was unexpectedly made to live. This second line is a little unclear.

A little over 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a touch of science fiction and a light stroke of romance. I am seeking representation and from my research, I understand that you represent authors of young adult fiction. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more. Moving this to the bottom.

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They were highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. Out of the 4 children, the three eldest, 2 identical 1 fraternal, and their kid sister share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. [Too many numbers I have to stop and sort this out. You don’t want the agent stopping.] But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches which her father has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil shattering truths when he takes her to his office at The Hierarchy. Things only get worse by the deteriorating health of her pregnant mother and older brother. [This paragraph is a little vague, and I’m not sure you need all that extra information about the other children. If that info is vital to the story show us why.]

With the help of Rehm, a boy she’s only had classes with, Rehm and her sister, Jayana, Mayana learns why The Hierarchy is extremely interested in their enhanced abilities. Even after centuries of peace, they were building an army and they want what makes the Trimble children special. [I thought they were already special]

A little over 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a 46,000 word dystopic tale with a touch of science fiction and a light stroke of romance. I am seeking representation and from my research, I understand that you represent authors of young adult fiction. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more. If I have peaked your interest and would care to see more, please let me know. Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, and I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Colette

I hope this helps :smile: You're story sounds very interesting!

#7 robiiehood

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 08:15 PM

Dear ___________,

One secret splintered her illusion of a happy life [if you put the word happiness here, then you won’t be repeating yourself when you say the line “the latter sculpted her life”]; another secret destroyed her family. For 17-year old Mayana, the latter sculpted her life; the one she was unknowingly engineered for. I like this second sentence much better!

The Trimble Children have always been special in the little town of Mercury. They are highly intelligent and the best athletes in school. The eldest triplets, one being fraternal, and their kid sister, share a unique beauty, and all of them with glowing eyes. But the youngest Trimble suffers from painful, mind-twisting headaches which her father, Chief Bio-Tech Engineer for the Hierarchy, has been desperately trying to find a cure for. Questions begin to unveil false truths when he takes her for an ‘office visit’. The Hierarchy, with its surreptitious cruel rein of governmental power, reveals their interest in the family when he does. They’ve always been watching.
[For the first sentence in this paragraph, maybe you can try “The Trimble Children have always been a special blend of high intelligence and athleticism in the little town of Mercury.”

With the help of friends and her sister, Mayana discovers how she and her siblings got their unnaturally enhanced abilities and why the Hierarchy wants them so bad.

Cresting 46,000 words, Edits In Mercury is a dystopic tale with a light stroke of romance. I believe my novel has a unique story that compels readers to be thirsting for more.

Thank you in advance for your consideration of my project, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Colette Ricketts

Much better Colette!

#8 CRicKeT27

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 08:21 PM

Thanks Robin! I love your suggestions!!!
CRicKeT27

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#9 robiiehood

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Posted 20 June 2012 - 02:24 PM

You're welcome!




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