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Sipho and the Star shaped pearl (Supernatural Adventure)

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#21 Rfn T Leurs

Rfn T Leurs

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Posted 27 November 2010 - 08:50 AM

Hello again Laura,

I must say, I think you are finally starting to shape a finely crafted query. I think the core is now there, from here maybe just spice it up some.

Again very good progress, I look forward to seeing more in the near future.
Pride is the greatest value a man may possess, until it becomes his burden.

#22 kevinmont


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Posted 28 November 2010 - 01:08 AM

"SIPHO AND THE STAR PEARL is a story about the colorful lives of a Zulu clan ‎and their history..."

No, it's not. That's not what your story is about. Your story is about three children who go into Hell to find the pearls stolen by Satan, and in so doing, try to eliminate the evils of the world.

That's what your story is about. "Colorful lives," English Twins," "aliens," even the fact that he's a Zulu (what's a Zulu? a South-African?) is superflouous.

Your query is too short. You have plenty of room to expand your story. I'd concentrate on the children, the plot, and the pearls, and not worry about trying to explain who everybody is.

#23 laura


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Posted 06 December 2010 - 11:41 PM

Good Morning,

Thank you for all your valued opinions.

I have been away and will only be able to revise this query next week.

I do appreciate your guidance and will really try to get it right next time.


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