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Resistance (YA)


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#1 SkylerMichele

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 07:46 PM

Dear Agent:

The world is on the brink of chaos and only one girl can stop it--but it may kill her along the way.


Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out nothing in her life is what she always believed. She's thrust into a world of warfare and Power; friends become enemies and truths become lies as she struggles to survive a world she can barely understand while tapping into a Power she's only scratched the surface of.

She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the evil Dark Carrier Cadmus, and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves while also trying to win back the boy she loves before he's lost to her forever

She is the new Carrier of Light, the one who is meant to save us all and bring balance back to the world. But visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late...


My young adult novel RESISTANCE (complete at 114,648 words) adds a new twist to the battle of light and dark and will appeal to readers who enjoy fantasy, superheros, and romance.


Sincerely,


#2 GoldQuill

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 08:25 PM

Dear Agent:

The world is on the brink of chaos and only one girl can stop it--but it may kill her along the way. Not bad, but the hook could use a little more "ooumph!" to it, because this is a very common theme in fantasy. What makes yours stand out?


Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out nothing in her life is what she always believed. She's thrust into a world of warfare and Power; friends become enemies and truths become lies as she struggles to survive a world she can barely understand(,) while tapping into a Power she's only scratched the surface of. You don't mention here, for for the rest of the query, how she is thrust into an alternate world, or how she got there. Even mentioning a name, or what kind of magical land it is would make it clearer that she IS in another world.

She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the evil Dark Carrier Cadmus, and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves while also trying to win back the boy she loves before he's lost to her forever

She is the new Carrier of Light, the one who is meant to save us all and bring balance back to the world. But visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late... This information could be useful as part of the hook - mention she is this Carrier of the LIght, the one prophesized to save the land of ______. (Also, it would be nice to know why a normal girl IS the chosen one - is there a reason of some sort? A quick explanation would be nice.


My young adult novel RESISTANCE (complete at 114,648 words) (just a head's up - this is a pretty large word count for a first time author, it may turn them off) adds a new twist (don't say there is a twist - mention it in the query) to the battle of light and dark and will appeal to readers who enjoy fantasy, superheros, and romance.


Sincerely,


This sounds like it could be a very powerful story because of the theme, but the query makes it sounds a bit too generic for a fantasy novel. You say there is a twist - what is it? You don't mention where Micah went to - where is she? What land is she in? What is there? I'm sure your story is unique, but it doesn't come across here because of a lack of details. There is a lot that I don't know about the story that I feel I need to.
These are just my thoughts, take them for what they're worth. Good luck! :)



#3 SkylerMichele

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 09:22 PM

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! One thing too clear up though: she doesn't actually go to another world. I probably didn't phrase some of those sentences well! Sorry about that!!! Hopefully this version will sound a bit better!!

Dear Agent:

A girl who becomes a Carrier of Light-the one who can save our world before it is destroyed-and a boy who is fated to become her enemy- the one who is meant to eliminate humankind- must come together and protect us all.


Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out nothing in her life is what she always believed. She's thrust into a world of warfare and Power; friends become enemies and truths become lies as she struggles to survive a world she can barely understand, while tapping into a Power she's only scratched the surface of. Her mother has passed on the responsibility, the Power Micah will need to complete her mission, and now she must find a way to fulfill her mother's goals.

She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the Dark Carrier Cadmus, and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves while also trying to win back the boy she loves before he's lost to her forever

She is the new Carrier of Light, the one who is meant to save us and bring balance back to our world. But visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late...


My young adult novel RESISTANCE combines the battle of light and dark with modern day romance and action that will appeal to readers who enjoy romance and adventure novels.


Sincerely,


#4 Snowkittyn

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 10:21 PM

A girl who becomes a Carrier of Light-the one who can save our world before it is destroyed-and a boy who is fated to become her enemy- the one who is meant to eliminate humankind- must come together and protect us all. (This is a little too choppy. I'd reword it as "A girl meant to save our world and a boy meant to destroy it must unite." Or something like that. Concise and and hooky.)


Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out nothing in her life is what she always believed. (So do lots of high school students who get thrown into freaky situations. So what?) She's thrust into a world of warfare and Power; friends become enemies and truths become lies as she struggles to survive a world she can barely understand, while tapping into a Power she's only scratched the surface of. Her mother has passed on the responsibility, the Power Micah will need to complete her mission, and now she must find a way to fulfill her mother's goals. (I'm not quite sure of the setting here. Is this in a different world? Is it dystopian, sort of? Does she get transported to a different world?)

She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the Dark Carrier Cadmus (Okay he sounds bad, but why is he bad? What does he do? Oh is he the one who wants to destroy the world? You should elaborate.), and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. (Oh so this isn't our world. Then you should eliminate "our world" from the hook.) . She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves while also trying to win back the boy she loves before he's lost to her forever (Where'd this guy come from? Is this the dude meant to destroy the world? Is it the same guy as the Dark Carrier guy? Or is it someone else? Why will he destroy the world, and why must he join together with MIcah? If it's part of the hook then it really must be explored as thoroughly as possible.)

She is the new Carrier of Light, the one who is meant to save us and bring balance back to our world. But visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late...


My young adult novel RESISTANCE combines the battle of light and dark with modern day romance and action that will appeal to readers who enjoy romance and adventure novels.


Sincerely,

I can't quite get a fix on the setting. I'm not sure if this is a fantasy land or some dystopian place or some alternate universe or whatever; "high school senior" heavily leans toward modern day and maybe dystopia, but then we've got wars and organizations that train people how to fight and control their magic powers or something, and now I'm envisioning armies and swords and shields and fireballs. The mother passing on the responsibility part makes me think of councils of elders you'd find in fantasy lands, too.
But mostly, that boy meant to destroy the world you have in the beginning and him having to unite with Micah in order to save everybody isn't touched on again. Why must they unite? And which boy is the one we're talking about?
Keep writing, and good luck. :)

#5 SkylerMichele

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 11:21 AM

Hopefully this sounds better. Sorry it's kind of bad right now this is my first time writing a query! Thanks for all the help you are offering!


Dear Agent:

A girl of Light meant to save our world and a boy of Darkness meant to destroy it must unite.

In an alternate version of our world today, Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out nothing in her life is what she always believed, friends become enemies and truth become lies as her whole world comes crumbling down around her. She must learn how to survive a world of warfare and Power while trying to win back the heart of a boy who may very well kill her one day. Her mother is the Carrier of Light who wishes to save the world and his father is the Carrier of Dark who plans to destroy it. She must race to bring him to her side before they both Awaken and become enemies forever.

She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the Dark Carrier Cadmus, and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves, waiting for the day she Awakens and becomes the Carrier who can save us all.

She is the one who is meant to save us and bring balance back to our world, but visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late...


My young adult novel RESISTANCE combines the battle of light and dark with modern day romance and action that will appeal to readers who enjoy romance and adventure novels.


Sincerely,

#6 Lizzie Cameron

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 12:37 PM

Sorry, I didn't scroll down to see your revised versions, so I went ahead and critiqued your first one. Hope it's still helpful!

Dear Agent:

The world is on the brink of chaos and only one girl can stop it--but it may kill her along the way.


Micah Reeves is a normal high school senior who finds out discovers that her life is not what it seems. nothing in her life is what she always believed. She's thrust into a world of warfare and Power; friends become enemies and truths become lies as she struggles to survive a world she can barely understand while tapping into a Power she's only scratched the surface of. This sentence is confusing. Start off by saying that she is the Carrier of Light.


To develop her Power, She enters the Resistance, an organization out to rid the world of the evil Dark Carrier Cadmus, and is thrown into intense physical and mental training. where She must learn to trust in herself, her friends, and her family if she is ever going to make it through this war alive. She's learning In the Resistence, she learns how to fight, to defend, and to protect an entire world of people who can't protect themselves while also trying to win back the boy she loves before he's lost to her forever. Why would he be lost forever? What are the stakes?

She is the new Carrier of Light, the one who is meant to save us all and bring balance back to the world. But visions of bloodshed and terror plague her dreams and she must find some way to ensure none of them come true before it's too late..I'd put these sentences in the second paragraph.


My young adult fantasy/sci-fi (state the genre) novel RESISTANCE (complete at 114,648 words) adds a new twist to the battle of light and dark and will appeal to readers who enjoy fantasy, superheros, and romance.


Sincerely,


Cool idea. Just be more specific and re-work some of your phrases to add more clarity. For instance, you don't mention why she's joined the Resistence and why the world depends on her until the second to last paragraph, when you mention that she is the Carrier of Light.

Good luck with your querying!




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