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First 250 of Beyond the North Star Scifi/ YA Revised #41


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#1 ViviMont

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Posted 17 February 2016 - 04:44 PM

[post='http://agentquerycon...ed-36/?p=334411']NEW VERSION HERE[/post]

 

 

 

   I enjoy this time more than any other. The Guta moon is in full sight, and the training hall shines bright and empty. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist envelops me. Each drop is ice against my skin and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
     I can see the space harbor below, where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass, and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
     It’s here. 
 
     Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, they’ll need their bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed with cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof; even upside down, the moon and its planet looks the same . I go through my series of flips, pushing myself until I feel I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, and my body slowly lifts with my armor plates dancing in between the magnets below and above me.  
 
     “STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory.” 
 
     “Trainee Tethys, Good Rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades. ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#2 A.M.Rose

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Posted 19 February 2016 - 12:14 PM

My comments below in green. 

 

 I enjoy this time more than any other. (Confession: I read through the first 250 words already, so I think you could start with with more of a punch. I almost think you should consider moving some of this around and staring with "Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine." It is a much more grabbing sentence and right away I get a feeling for the MC.) The Guta moon is in full sight, and the training hall shines bright and empty. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist envelops me. Each drop is ice against my skin and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
     I can see (You don't need this.) tThe space harbor sits (or I'm sure you can come up with something better) below, where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass, and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
     It’s here. 
 
     Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. (Here... I think you should start here. You could weave in some of the description above to set the scene.) I warm up my wrists(Maybe conster - I twirl my wrists in circles, warming them. They're still sore from yesterday's practice, but I don't care. Nothing is stopping me today.), still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others(consider being more specific here... who are the "others" cadets? recruits? students?) rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, they’ll (consider we'll - since she is one of them) need their(then this would be our instead of their)  bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed with cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof; even upside down, the moon and its planet looks the same .(Delete the extra space before the period. Also, I am having a hard time visualizing what she is doing here.) I go through my series of flips, pushing myself until I feel I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, and my body slowly lifts with my armor plates dancing in between the magnets below and above me.  
 
     “STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory.” (consider a dialogue tag here - or some internal thought since we don't know what STES is.)
 
     “Trainee Tethys, Good Rrising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades. (?)” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
So this looks like it is going to be an interesting story. You obviously have a good grasp of the surroundings and where this is taking place. The first part didn't really grab me. Although the setting is important I think it would serve you better to be weaved into the story instead of staring with it. The MC does a lot of touching... something to be aware of... The water, the glass, the ground. You could very this up a little have her hear something or smell something instead perhaps. 
Also, I'm not sure why but I assume this is a female MC. If it isn't you might want to consider somethings to make the MC feel more masculine. But if it is a girl than good job. 
I would be interested in where the story goes from here. 
Best of luck.

A.M. Rose

Author of Road to Eugenica - Available 2018 from Entangled Teen 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#3 MiraA

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Posted 19 February 2016 - 12:32 PM

 

     I enjoy this time more than any other. The Guta moon is in full sight, and the training hall shines bright and empty. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist envelops me. Each drop is ice against my skin and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
     I can see the space harbor below, where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass, and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness. 
 
     It’s here. This is the line that really grabs me. The first two paragraphs were well-written but didn't have enough of a hook. 
 
     Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others rather (this word makes the sentence wordy) rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, they’ll (Who are "they", the "others"? It's not very clear here) need their bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed with cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof; even upside down, the moon and its planet looks the same . I go through my series of flips, pushing myself until I feel I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, and my body slowly lifts with my armor plates dancing in between the magnets below and above me.  
 
     “STES, Activate sword sequence with weighted sensory.” I was a little unsure who said this but after re-reading I see that it's the narrator. Maybe make that part clear.
 
     “Trainee Tethys, good Rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades. ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room. 
 
Good stuff! I think without those two first paragraphs, this makes for a strong opening. 

 



#4 ViviMont

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Posted 19 February 2016 - 05:04 PM

Thank you both so much! Very helpful, and it appears you both agree on where I should start my story. The paragraphs right after this explain more of what's going on and where she is, but you're right, I'm being too vague right off the bat. 

 

Thanks again!

 

By the way, the MC is a girl. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#5 ViviMont

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:04 PM

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station. The training hall is cavernous, a domed starlit ceiling replicates the chill and quietness of deep space. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound, I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
I can see the space harbor below where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. 
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof.
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air.
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
“Do you really have to ask?”
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”

I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#6 annabella

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:17 PM

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station. The training hall is cavernous, a domed starlit ceiling replicates the chill and quietness of deep space. (Rewrite of sentence: It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station, cavernous, with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quiet of deep space)  I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound, I make my way over cross to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
I can see the space harbor below where my vessel lays in wait. My vessel lays in wait in the space harbor below. (Removing the filter) I press my palm against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. 
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof.   into a handstand. (Just because I didn't think it was clear initially what was happening.)
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air.
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
“Do you really have to ask?”
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”
 
Cool opening overall :) You do a lot of worldbuilding quickly and also show us what the character wants right away. Most of my suggestions were wording things, for condensing and clarity.
 
If you have the time, I'd appreciate feedback on my post: http://agentquerycon...sy-update-in-6/ Thanks!


#7 ViviMont

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:34 PM

 

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station. The training hall is cavernous, a domed starlit ceiling replicates the chill and quietness of deep space. (Rewrite of sentence: It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station, cavernous, with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quiet of deep space)  I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound, I make my way over cross to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
I can see the space harbor below where my vessel lays in wait. My vessel lays in wait in the space harbor below. (Removing the filter) I press my palm against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m in the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. 
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof.   into a handstand. (Just because I didn't think it was clear initially what was happening.)
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air.
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
“Do you really have to ask?”
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”
 
Cool opening overall :) You do a lot of worldbuilding quickly and also show us what the character wants right away. Most of my suggestions were wording things, for condensing and clarity.
 
If you have the time, I'd appreciate feedback on my post: http://agentquerycon...sy-update-in-6/ Thanks!

 

Wow, this is great! You have a real knack for removing the unnecessary. I will definitely return the favor.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#8 ViviMont

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:40 PM

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station, cavernous, with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quietness of deep space. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles. With a gratifying sound, I cross over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
My vessel lays in wait in the space harbor below. I press my palm against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m at the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. 
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing into a handstand.
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air.
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
“Do you really have to ask?”
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”

I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#9 iainburnett

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 08:16 PM

That's 275 words :)

 

 

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station, cavernous, with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quietness of deep space. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles. With a gratifying sound, I cross over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
My vessel lays in wait in the space harbor below. I press my palm against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m at the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. 
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies I'll need my body fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing into a handstand.
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air.
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room.
 
The room replies. “Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.
 
“Do you really have to ask?”
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”

 

 

Now its 250! Very nice writing, seems like a fun start.


Any help appreciated on my work in progress, THE HOMESTEAD PROJECT.

 

Query - http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Synopsis - http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/


#10 ViviMont

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 09:43 PM

That's 275 words :)

 

 

Now its 250! Very nice writing, seems like a fun start.

Thank you for all the wonderful suggestions! I usually do a guestimate on word count. hehe. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#11 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 27 April 2016 - 10:53 AM

 

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. I think you could tell us what the light is like. Is it silver, bluish, bright? "The Guta Moon reveals the training hall to me in details of pale silver." Or something along those lines. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station, cavernous, unnecessary with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quietness of deep space. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Is he/she clothed? Naked?  Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles. Good sensory image, you could add an involuntary reaction as well, such as...well, maybe not that, I don't know the target audience. But a shiver, or quiver, or something. With a gratifying sound, I don't know what a gratifying sound is, so show me I cross over  that's really tame. How about something like "I slink to the windows like a jungle cat, stretching as I go." This reveals to us how he/she seems themselves, as well as describing movement to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
My vessel lays lies in wait waiting in the space harbor below. I press my palm nothing wrong with 'palm', but I suggest 'cheek' as being more intimate against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m at the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. I do this a lot, too. But it's jarring. Better to drop the hint at mystery and say 'The time has arrived and today I face...'
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I have no idea what this means. Again, I think you're shooting for a hint of mystery but it just confuses the reader. These are the stakes, a crucial point, so we, the readers, really need to understand it/them clearly. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing into a handstand. This is all quite good, nothing really to change, except the reader doesn't know what it means because you've been coy about the what is going on. If the reader had a clearer idea, this would all make sense and be very well written. You're very close to nailing this, but you're getting in your own way.
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. This feels awkward. "Even when I'm upside down, Vivimont and its moon appear identical." I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air. You can probably get away with this, but once again it feels like the author is being coy with the details being shared. And again, I have this tendency as well, so I recognize it in others. At the beginning of the paragraph, something simple like "I chose the full battle array for training, despite the added difficulty from the extra weight and restrictions on my movements. The harder I work now, the easier it will be later."
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room. This is where the unnecessary accoutrements will force me to improve.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room. Unnecessary.
 
“Do you really have to ask?” Too cute and doesn't match the tone of what came before. Here's a chance to really ratchet up our attention. "Qualaron, level five."
 
"Trainee Tethys, I am required to inform you that you have never attempted level five before and your choice of full battle array makes successful completion statistically improbable. Do you wish to proceed?"
 
"Yes."
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”

 

 

As always, these are mere suggestions, I like what's here a lot. Hope it helps.


Follow me on twitter @jointhebrigade1

 

Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#12 ViviMont

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Posted 27 April 2016 - 03:06 PM

 

 

The Guta moon greets me in its full glory, illuminating the empty training hall. I think you could tell us what the light is like. Is it silver, bluish, bright? "The Guta Moon reveals the training hall to me in details of pale silver." Or something along those lines. It’s my favorite room in the Acquisition’s space station, cavernous, unnecessary with a domed starlit ceiling replicating the chill and quietness of deep space. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist falls over my skin. Is he/she clothed? Naked?  Each drop is ice and my flesh prickles. Good sensory image, you could add an involuntary reaction as well, such as...well, maybe not that, I don't know the target audience. But a shiver, or quiver, or something. With a gratifying sound, I don't know what a gratifying sound is, so show me I cross over  that's really tame. How about something like "I slink to the windows like a jungle cat, stretching as I go." This reveals to us how he/she seems themselves, as well as describing movement to the windows, stretching as I go.
 
My vessel lays lies in wait waiting in the space harbor below. I press my palm nothing wrong with 'palm', but I suggest 'cheek' as being more intimate against the cool curved glass and imagine I’m at the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
It’s here. I do this a lot, too. But it's jarring. Better to drop the hint at mystery and say 'The time has arrived and today I face...'
 
Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine. I have no idea what this means. Again, I think you're shooting for a hint of mystery but it just confuses the reader. These are the stakes, a crucial point, so we, the readers, really need to understand it/them clearly. I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, we’ll need our bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed from alcohol and cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing into a handstand. This is all quite good, nothing really to change, except the reader doesn't know what it means because you've been coy about the what is going on. If the reader had a clearer idea, this would all make sense and be very well written. You're very close to nailing this, but you're getting in your own way.
 
Even upside down, the moon and the planet it orbits looks the same. This feels awkward. "Even when I'm upside down, Vivimont and its moon appear identical." I go through my series of flips and cartwheels, pushing myself until I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, activating the ground and roof magnets. Here my armor lifts me until I sway in mid-air. You can probably get away with this, but once again it feels like the author is being coy with the details being shared. And again, I have this tendency as well, so I recognize it in others. At the beginning of the paragraph, something simple like "I chose the full battle array for training, despite the added difficulty from the extra weight and restrictions on my movements. The harder I work now, the easier it will be later."
 
“STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory,” I say to the room. This is where the unnecessary accoutrements will force me to improve.
 
“Trainee Tethys, good rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or the matchu blades? ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room. Unnecessary.
 
“Do you really have to ask?” Too cute and doesn't match the tone of what came before. Here's a chance to really ratchet up our attention. "Qualaron, level five."
 
"Trainee Tethys, I am required to inform you that you have never attempted level five before and your choice of full battle array makes successful completion statistically improbable. Do you wish to proceed?"
 
"Yes."
 
“Activating qualaron sequence. Fruitful training Tethys.”

 

 

As always, these are mere suggestions, I like what's here a lot. Hope it helps.

 

Thank you so much, Bill. You're comments, as always, are spot on. Love the, "Qualaron level 5" bit. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#13 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 27 April 2016 - 03:21 PM

Always glad to give whatever help I can.


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#14 DJ McP

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Posted 27 April 2016 - 09:45 PM

 

 

    I enjoy this time more than any other. kind of a vague first line--either cut right to the moon or like other reviews said skip down to it's here. That's more of a gripping first line.The Guta moon is in full sight, and the training hall shines bright and empty. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist envelops me. Each drop is ice against my skin and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound what exactly is a gratifying sound? make it more specific I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 

 

      I can see the space harbor below, where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass, and imagine I’min the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
     It’s here. 
 
     Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine.it'll is a little vague do you mean the final trial or whatever the final trial is then leading up to?  I warm up my wrists warming up wrists reads a little odd, stretching maybe or massaging, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others rather prefer? rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, they’ll need their bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed with cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof; even upside down, the moon and its planet looks the same . I go through my series of flips, pushing myself until I feel I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, and my body slowly lifts with my armor plates dancing in between the magnets below and above me.  
 
     “STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory.” This is a bit of an abrupt shift--could use more of a transition
 
     “Trainee Tethys, Good Rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or thematchu blades. ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.  
 
You have a good grasp of your world though some parts could be more specific. Since the trial is here, maybe you can give more of a sense of foreboding or anticipation in these early paragraphs just to pique the readers interest more.  It is a good start!

 

 



#15 ViviMont

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Posted 28 April 2016 - 11:27 AM

 

 

    I enjoy this time more than any other. kind of a vague first line--either cut right to the moon or like other reviews said skip down to it's here. That's more of a gripping first line.The Guta moon is in full sight, and the training hall shines bright and empty. I lift my arms, spinning in a circle as the hydrate mist envelops me. Each drop is ice against my skin and my flesh prickles as it absorbs. With a gratifying sound what exactly is a gratifying sound? make it more specific I make my way over to the windows, stretching as I go.
 

 

      I can see the space harbor below, where my vessel lays in wait. I press my palm against the cool curved glass, and imagine I’min the helm, with nothing but the silver-speckled darkness.
 
     It’s here. 
 
     Today I face my final trial and it’ll be mine.it'll is a little vague do you mean the final trial or whatever the final trial is then leading up to?  I warm up my wrists warming up wrists reads a little odd, stretching maybe or massaging, still sore from yesterday’s practice. The others rather prefer? rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned, they’ll need their bodies fired and prepped—not brain-hazed with cool muscles. I place my palms on the ground and swing my legs towards the domed roof; even upside down, the moon and its planet looks the same . I go through my series of flips, pushing myself until I feel I’m almost hovering over the floor. I stop in the center of the room, and my body slowly lifts with my armor plates dancing in between the magnets below and above me.  
 
     “STES, activate sword sequence with weighted sensory.” This is a bit of an abrupt shift--could use more of a transition
 
     “Trainee Tethys, Good Rising. Activating sword sequence with weighted sensory. Would you prefer the qualaron hooks or thematchu blades. ” The training simulator’s voice fills the room.  
 
You have a good grasp of your world though some parts could be more specific. Since the trial is here, maybe you can give more of a sense of foreboding or anticipation in these early paragraphs just to pique the readers interest more.  It is a good start!

 

 

Thank you so much! Yeah, I need to reword that beginning to put the "it's here" at the top. I'll keep at it. :)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#16 ViviMont

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Posted 14 July 2016 - 09:10 PM

It’s here.Today I face my final trial and it will finally be mine.
 
The ship which navigates my dreams hovers patiently in the space harbor several levels below. I press my palm against the cool curved glass of the training room and imagine I'm at the helm of my ship with nothing but silver-speckled darkness. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be so eager to be a captain if it weren’t for the promise of open-space freedom and my very own vessel. If the only promise was war.
 
My gaze wanders to the Guta moon, shining like a sun. It illuminates the empty training hall and casts everything in the foggy glow of early morning. It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station—cavernous with a domed starlit ceiling that imitates the chill and quietness of deep space. 
 
I step under one of the thick circular vents, spinning in a circle as the hydrating mist falls over my skin. My training armor glistens from the moisture and any sleepiness still clinging evaporates as the icy mist falls. I fill my chest with a heavy dose of fortifying breath and cross over to the windows, stretching as I go. After today, my workouts will have to be kept up during travel.
 
First I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday's practice. The other trainees would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned for us, we'll need our bodies fired and prepped— not brain-hazed and cool muscles. 

I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#17 Gibber

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Posted 15 July 2016 - 06:08 PM

 

It’s here.Today I face my final trial and it will finally be mine. (Not sure you need this.)
 
The ship which (navigates my dreams - This bit's confusing. Is this a dream? I don't think it is.) hovers patiently in the space harbor (I wonder if there's a better way to do this. Like, just call it a harbor, but then mention it's floating in a sea of stars or something, so we know it's actually in space?) several levels below. I press my palm against the cool(comma) curved glass of the training room and imagine I'm at the helm of my ship with nothing but silver-speckled darkness. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be so eager to be a captain if it weren’t for the promise of open-space freedom and my very own vessel. If the only promise was war. (I'm not sure what you mean with these two sentences.)
 
My gaze wanders to the Guta (Is Guta a planet they're orbiting, or a type of moon?) moon, shining like a sun. It illuminates the empty training hall and casts everything in the foggy glow of early morning. (Most people associate moonlight with night time, and while time in space is a thing we arbitrarily set, this still sounds weird.) It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station—cavernous(comma) with a domed(comma) starlit ceiling that imitates the chill and quietness ("the chill" is a noun, but "quietness" is a describer. Perhaps choose another noun instead, like "silence"?) of deep space. 
 
I step under one of the thick circular vents, spinning in a circle as the hydrating mist falls over my skin. My training armor glistens from the moisture(comma) and any sleepiness still clinging evaporates as the icy mist falls. I fill my chest with a heavy dose of fortifying breath and cross over to the windows, stretching as I go. After today, my workouts will have to be kept up during travel. (I think I understand what you're getting at, but the language is vague.)
 
First(comma) I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday's practice. The other trainees would rather rest before their final. Fools. (Italicized why?) Whatever the Admirals have planned for us, we'll need our bodies fired and prepped— not brain-hazed and cool muscles. (The last part is grammatically off. Perhaps, "Not brain-hazed and clumsy"?)

 

Setting a scene. We're in space, it's cool, and she's wearing armor. I'm on board; what's next?



#18 A.M.Rose

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Posted 17 July 2016 - 10:20 AM

My comments included below in green.

 

 

It’s here.Today I face my final trial and it will finally be mine. (The first line is stronger if you cut the "It's here." - Or just consider flipping it so you first like has more punch. Today I face my last trial and it will finally be mine. It's here. (Hum... now that I write it out I think just cutting the it's here is best. Also, consider a different word so you don't use final (finally) twice in the same sentence.)
 
The ship which navigates my dreams hovers patiently in the space harbor several levels below. (Maybe The ship of my dreams hovers ... if the ship doesn't actually navigate her dreams. Might help with that confusion.) I press my palm against the cool curved glass of the training room and imagine I'm at the helm of my ship with nothing but silver-speckled darkness. (Great) Sometimes I wonder if I’d be so eager to be a captain if it weren’t for the promise of open-space freedom and my very own vessel. If the only promise was war. (Consider getting closer here... instead of saying "I wonder" you could cut to it. Would I be this eager to be captain if there was only a promise of war? Then again, open-space, freedom, and my very own vessel is tough to resist. - or something. Do you see what I'm getting at?)
 
My gaze wanders to the Guta moon, shining like a sun. It illuminates the empty training hall and casts everything in the foggy glow of early morning. It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station—cavernous with a domed starlit ceiling that imitates the chill and quietness of deep space. Nice description
 
I step under one of the thick circular vents, spinning in a circle as the hydrating mist falls over my skin. My training armor glistens from the moisture and any sleepiness still clinging evaporates as the icy mist falls. I fill my chest with a heavy dose of fortifying breath and cross over to the windows, stretching as I go. First, I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday's practice. Consider moving this line up here. It fits with what she is doing. Also consider adding one more sentence - Then, I roll my neck a few times. (or something for flow)  After today, my workouts will have to be kept up during travel.
 
First I warm up my wrists, still sore from yesterday's practice. (Moved this line up to the previous paragraph for flow.) The other trainees would rather rest before their final. Fools. Whatever the Admirals have planned for us, we'll need our bodies fired and prepped— not brain-hazed and cool muscles. (Nice.)
 
I love all the changes you have made to this. I think you really have a strong start to a very interesting story. The voice is great. Very clear.
 
If you want to sneak in her name maybe when she is thinking about this ship being her's she can picture her name painted on the side... or posted somewhere inside with the word Captain next to it. for example -  A few hours from now she could be all mime. Captain First Name Last Name posted inside the haul. (or whatever.) It isn't necessary, but an idea to sneak in her name if you are looking for a way.  
 
Overall excellent work.
 
Best of luck to you! Keep writing! 

 


A.M. Rose

Author of Road to Eugenica - Available 2018 from Entangled Teen 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#19 ViviMont

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Posted 19 July 2016 - 10:56 AM

Thank you, ladies! I absolutely love the suggestions! I'll keep tweaking and working out the kinks.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#20 ViviMont

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Posted 19 July 2016 - 06:07 PM

Today I face my last trial and it’ll finally be mine.
 
Several levels below, hovering in the sea of stars is the ship that’s navigated my dreams for these past years. And now there it is, real and waiting, an art form of wood and metal docked in the harbor along with the other warring vessels. I press my palm against the cool, curved glass of the training room and imagine I'm at the helm of my ship with nothing but silver-speckled darkness. Would I be so eager to be captain if it weren’t for the promise of open-space freedom and my very own vessel? If the only promise given to me was war?
 
Don't go there, Tethys. I can't let the day be clouded with insecurities. If ever I needed confidence, it'd be today.
 
My gaze wanders to the Guta moon, shining like a sun. It illuminates the empty training hall and casts everything in the foggy glow of early morning. It's my favorite room in the Acquisition's space station—cavernous, with a domed, starlit ceiling that imitates the chill and quietness of deep space. 
 
I step under one of the thick circular vents, twisting at my waist as the hydrating mist falls over my skin. When no one’s around, I like to stretch out my arms and close my eyes, pretend it’s rain sliding down my cheeks. The soft rain from an unsure day. My training armor glistens from the moisture and any sleepiness still clinging evaporates as the icy mist hits. I fill my chest with a heavy dose of fortifying breath and cross over to the windows, stretching as I go. First, I warm up my wrists, wickedly sore from yesterday's practice. Then I take a few moments to jump in place, firing up my blood. I suppose after today, my workouts will have to be kept up during travel.

I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 





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