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2nd chapter of Beyond the North Star


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#1 ViviMont

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Posted 27 February 2016 - 01:53 AM

       “Ah, the Constellation Lair. The diamond of the Guaragan Star.” My cloak gets jammed with the rickety wooden door, and I almost fall back; a loose plank holds me captive. The inside bustles with noise and energy, of tinkling glasses and—

 

      “It smells.”

 

      I look to my companion’s scrunched nose. “Oh now, that is but the stench of hard labor. Not something you’re used to, eh Juno?” I slap Juno’s back, and he staggers in, almost tripping on his own longer cloak. I yank mine away from the door and cringe when I hear a rip sounding of crispy leaves. We seem to sweep the ground of the notorious tavern with our get-up. Our feet splash on something that smells worrisomely of piss.

 

      “Nor you Panoleous.”

 

      I grin, and we make our way over to the bar. My nose twitches beneath the powder the Contessa girls layered over me. A bronze that darkens the color of my skin—the unwitting disclosure of my origins.

 

      “Hey there,” I raise a hand in greeting to an enormously large fellow as I sit beside him. He grunts, showing a row of blackened needle-like teeth. “Well alright then, you enjoy yourself.” He grunts again, and I turn to Juno.

 

      “What are we doing here? We’ll be killed before we glean anything useful,” Juno hisses.

 

      “Just keep your head down and let me do the talking—”

 

      “That’s exactly what I’m worried about you’re talking.” Juno orders us the house special as advertised behind the pock-marked barkeep. He glares at us, and Juno hides deeper in his cloak, the layered bronze makes him look almost copper. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#2 MrMidnight

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Posted 28 February 2016 - 12:37 AM

Is this the first page of the second chapter or the whole 2nd chapter?


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#3 ViviMont

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Posted 28 February 2016 - 12:56 AM

Is this the first page of the second chapter or the whole 2nd chapter?

This is the first 250 words of the second chapter. It's written from two separate POVs, so this chapter introduces one of my main characters.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#4 xkime

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Posted 28 February 2016 - 04:09 PM

Very interesting! Tight writing and a good hook. I like it. The only thing I would say is that "gets jammed" sounds wrong to me. I would consider rewording that.



#5 ViviMont

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Posted 28 February 2016 - 05:23 PM

Thanks xkime! Let's see how I can reword that. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#6 cnrage

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Posted 07 April 2016 - 09:02 PM

       “Ah, the Constellation Lair. The diamond (is this sarcasm? If so, it might add some punch to change to "shit hole" or "arm pit" instead of assuming a reader will be able to grasp the sarcasm) of the Guaragan Star.” My cloak gets jammed with in the rickety wooden door as I enter, and I almost fall back; (consider "but". An apostrophe can be jarring at times) a loose plank holds me captive. The inside bustles with noise and energy, of tinkling glasses and— (Good writing here. Good imagery. Really feel like I'm there.)

 

      “It smells like piss.”

 

      I look to my companion’s Juno's scrunched nose. (feels more personal and reads cleaner with a name in my opinion.) “Oh come now, that is but the stench of that's but the stench of hard labor. Not something you’re used to, eh Juno?” I slap Juno’s back, and he staggers in, almost tripping on his own longer cloak. I yank mine away from the door and cringe when I hear a rip sounding of crispy leaves. We seem to sweep the ground of the notorious tavern with our get-up. Our feet splash on something that smells worrisomely of piss. Do you need these last three sentences? You already said Panoleous was caught in the door.  You can probably assume he frees himself. You probably don't need to explain the tavern is "notorious" now either. Your description does that above along with the "smells of piss".

 

      “Nor you Panoleous.”

 

      I grin, and we make our way over to the bar. My nose twitches beneath the powder the Contessa girls layered over me. A bronze that darkens the color of my skin—the unwitting disclosure of my origins. Like the description but am a bit lost here as to what you are talking about.

 

      “Hey there,” I raise a hand in greeting to an enormously large fellow as I sit beside him. He grunts, showing a row of blackened needle-like teeth. “Well alright then, you enjoy yourself.” He grunts again, and I turn to Juno.

 

      “What are we doing here? We’ll be killed before we glean anything useful,” Juno he hisses.

 

      “Just keep your head down and let me do the talking—”

 

      “That’s exactly what I’m worried about you’re talking.Implied by sentence above. Juno orders us the house special as advertised behind the pock-marked barkeep. He glares at us, and Juno hides deeper in his cloak, the layered bronze makes him look almost copper. 

 

I like where you're going with this. I'd be pulled in even more if you can minimize some of your excessive description (something I'm guilty of as well).

 

Keep at it!



#7 ViviMont

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Posted 07 April 2016 - 11:13 PM

 

       “Ah, the Constellation Lair. The diamond (is this sarcasm? If so, it might add some punch to change to "shit hole" or "arm pit" instead of assuming a reader will be able to grasp the sarcasm) of the Guaragan Star.” My cloak gets jammed with in the rickety wooden door as I enter, and I almost fall back; (consider "but". An apostrophe can be jarring at times) a loose plank holds me captive. The inside bustles with noise and energy, of tinkling glasses and— (Good writing here. Good imagery. Really feel like I'm there.)

 

      “It smells like piss.”

 

      I look to my companion’s Juno's scrunched nose. (feels more personal and reads cleaner with a name in my opinion.) “Oh come now, that is but the stench of that's but the stench of hard labor. Not something you’re used to, eh Juno?” I slap Juno’s back, and he staggers in, almost tripping on his own longer cloak. I yank mine away from the door and cringe when I hear a rip sounding of crispy leaves. We seem to sweep the ground of the notorious tavern with our get-up. Our feet splash on something that smells worrisomely of piss. Do you need these last three sentences? You already said Panoleous was caught in the door.  You can probably assume he frees himself. You probably don't need to explain the tavern is "notorious" now either. Your description does that above along with the "smells of piss".

 

      “Nor you Panoleous.”

 

      I grin, and we make our way over to the bar. My nose twitches beneath the powder the Contessa girls layered over me. A bronze that darkens the color of my skin—the unwitting disclosure of my origins. Like the description but am a bit lost here as to what you are talking about.

 

      “Hey there,” I raise a hand in greeting to an enormously large fellow as I sit beside him. He grunts, showing a row of blackened needle-like teeth. “Well alright then, you enjoy yourself.” He grunts again, and I turn to Juno.

 

      “What are we doing here? We’ll be killed before we glean anything useful,” Juno he hisses.

 

      “Just keep your head down and let me do the talking—”

 

      “That’s exactly what I’m worried about you’re talking.Implied by sentence above. Juno orders us the house special as advertised behind the pock-marked barkeep. He glares at us, and Juno hides deeper in his cloak, the layered bronze makes him look almost copper. 

 

I like where you're going with this. I'd be pulled in even more if you can minimize some of your excessive description (something I'm guilty of as well).

 

Keep at it!

 

 Thanks so much for all the great suggestions! I truly do have a problem reining in my descriptions. Hehe. The main character here, Pan, is naively optimistic. So his first comment isn't supposed to be so much sarcastic, but trying to look at things in a brighter light than the bleakness of this new planet and its gathering holes.

I'll make sure and return the favor if you have anything posted!


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#8 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 10:23 AM

       “Ah, the Constellation Lair. The diamond of the Guaragan Star.” Hmmmm...'diamond' just doesn't work. I think you're going for optimism here, but that term is too vague for me to get it. Maybe something like "The most...interesting...establishment of the Guaragan Star." That tells me the speaker is trying to be nice about it. My cloak gets jammed with the rickety wooden door, and I almost fall back; a loose plank holds me captive. The inside bustles with noise and energy, of tinkling glasses and—

 

      “It smells.”

 

      I look to my companion’s scrunched nose. “Oh now, that is but the stench of hard labor. Not something you’re used to, eh Juno?” I slap Juno’s back, and he staggers in, almost tripping on his own longer cloak. I yank mine away from the door and cringe when I hear a ripping sounding like of crispy leaves underfoot. We seem to sweep the ground of the notorious tavern with our get-up. (I don't understand this sentence...oh, wait, you mean your cloaks drag on the floor and clean it?) Our feet splash on something that smells worrisomely (Yikes! Adverb alert. UNLESS you know this and use it because it's humorous and fits the narrative. It is first person, after all) of piss.

 

      “Nor you Panoleous.”

 

      I grin, and we make our way over to the bar. My nose twitches beneath the powder the Contessa girls layered over me. A bronze that darkens the color of my skin—the unwitting disclosure of my origins.

 

      “Hey there,” I raise a hand in greeting to an enormously large fellow as I sit beside him. He grunts, showing a row of blackened needle-like teeth. “Well alright then, you enjoy yourself.” He grunts again, and I turn to Juno.

 

      “What are we doing here? We’ll be killed before we glean anything useful,” Juno hisses.

 

      “Just keep your head down and let me do the talking—”

 

      “That’s exactly what I’m worried about you’re talking.” Juno orders us the house special as advertised behind the pock-marked barkeep. He glares at us, and Juno hides deeper in his cloak, the layered bronze makes him look almost copper. 

 

 

Ha! Quite good, and I mean that. I could never write this, which is good for you, but the POV is interesting. I didn't really get too much of the double POV here, it read quite well.


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#9 ViviMont

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:00 PM

Ha! Quite good, and I mean that. I could never write this, which is good for you, but the POV is interesting. I didn't really get too much of the double POV here, it read quite well.

Thanks Bill! This book has been interesting to write. I've never done two main characters with their own first person view for a novel. And I've never written from a male protags POV. Also the fact it takes place in different planets has been a challenge. *groan* I'm having fun drafting it nonetheless. Thanks for your insight, it is always much appreciated!


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#10 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 12:23 PM

Thanks Bill! This book has been interesting to write. I've never done two main characters with their own first person view for a novel. And I've never written from a male protags POV. Also the fact it takes place in different planets has been a challenge. *groan* I'm having fun drafting it nonetheless. Thanks for your insight, it is always much appreciated!

Glad to help. And one thing I'll interject is this: my first novel was a true hybrid of science fiction and fantasy. Half took place in a hardcore SF setting, while the other was a true sword & sorcery place. I still think it might have worked had I been a better writer at the time, but it didn't. And yet, what I now have is two very good ideas for two separate novels.

 

If yours does not turn out the way you hope, don't get frustrated, you may have two books instead of just one.


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Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#11 EmmaLucy

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Posted 02 October 2016 - 04:04 PM

       “Ah, the Constellation Lair. The diamond of the Guaragan Star.” My cloak gets jammed with (in/on) the rickety wooden door, and I almost fall back; a loose plank holds me captive.  This first sentences confused me a bit, I had to read it twice. The inside bustles with noise and energy, of tinkling glasses and—

 

      “It smells.”

 

      I look to my companion’s scrunched nose. “Oh now, that is but the stench of hard labor. Not something you’re used to, eh Juno?” I slap Juno’s back, and he staggers in ,across the threshold, almost tripping on his own longer cloak. I yank mine away from the door and cringe when I hear a rip sounding of crispy leaves. We seem to sweep the ground of the notorious tavern with our get-up. Our feet splash on something that smells worrisomely of piss.

 

      “Nor you Panoleous.”

 

      I grin, and we make our way over to the bar. My nose twitches beneath the powder the Contessa girls layered over me. A bronze that darkens the color of my skin—the unwitting disclosure of my origins. I like the way this sentence makes  me wonder who they are? 

 

      “Hey there,” I raise a hand in greeting to an enormously large fellow as I sit beside him. He grunts, showing a row of blackened needle-like teeth. “Well alright then, you enjoy yourself.” He grunts again, and I turn to Juno.

 

      “What are we doing here? We’ll be killed before we glean anything useful,” Juno hisses.

 

      “Just keep your head down and let me do the talking—”

 

      “That’s exactly what I’m worried about you’re talking.” Juno orders us the house special as advertised behind the pock-marked barkeep. He glares at us, and Juno hides deeper in his cloak, the layered bronze makes him look almost copper. 

 

 

This is quite well done!

If you have the time you could try reading it to yourself out loud. I always find that helpful.

 

Best of wishes!  


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