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I am Wilson Edward Burrough: Defender of the Mighty Stick

Posted by W. E. Burrough , 18 May 2012 · 289 views

Good morrow, dearest fellows. My name is... well, you already know my name. If not, stop being a fool and read the title. I am a boy who is now considered a man. However, my status as a man can be contested until the moon cows come home. Oh, sure, wear makeup a few dozen times and suddenly you're more effeminate than RuPaul. The nerve of them, those lunatics, those charlatans.

Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I'm here to talk to you about something, a terror, a looming horde that threatens our very species. I am, of course, talking about the space penguins. Yes, you heard it right and remember that name, I implore you, for you will become their slaves if those amoral, flightless bast***s get a hold on our planet.

They are in league with the pirate turtles of the Lollipop Rainbow Cemetery. Yes, yes, I know, terrifying, isn't it? The turtle crews ride long-maned, winged unicorns with teeth of flaming pitchforks, claws the size of a boarder collie's leg and shoulder-mounted Kool-Aid cannons. A horrifying arsenal they have, indeed.

The space penguins, in their burlesque outfits and daisy dukes, are a formidable foe. But, I beg you, plead with you to not worry about them, these ne'er-do-wells, these rapscallions of old, of time immemorial. Do not fret, my dearies. I, Wilson Edward Burrough, Defender of the Mighty Stick, will use a baseball bat of my own design to combat these heathens! Have at thee, fire-breathing Hell-spawn!


That is all.

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